Madmudder
Tim
DISNEYLAND
Two Newfies were going to Disneyland. They were driving on the Interstate when they saw the sign that said "Disneyland LEFT", so they turned around and went home.
FLORIDA OR MOON
Two newfies were sitting on a bench talking, and one says to the other, "Which do ya tink is furder away. . . Florida, or the moon?"
The other turns and says "jezz, bye, dat's easy. Can you see Florida?????"
CAR TROUBLE
A newfie pushes his BMW into a gas station. He tells the mechanic it died.
After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
The newfie asks, "What's da story?"
The mechanic replies, "Just crap in the carburetor."
The newfie asks, "'ow often do I got to do dat?"
SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a newfie for speeding and asks him if he could see his license.
He replies in a huff, "Lard t'underin' Jaysus, bye, I wish you guys'd git your acts togedder!
Jiss yesterday you took away me license an' now today you expect me to show it to ya!"
THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE
A newfie goes into the doctor's office in Ontario and says that his body hurts wherever he touches it.
"Impossible!", says the doctor. "Show me."
The newfie took his finger, pushed on his left shoulder and screamed, then he pushed his elbow and screamed even more.
He pushed his knee and screamed and then pushed his ankle and screamed. Everywhere he touched made him scream.
The doctor said, "You're not from Ontario, are you?
"No", he replied, "I'm actually from Newfoundland."
"I thought so", said the doctor. "Your finger is broken."
IN A VACUUM
A newfie was playing Trivial Pursuit one night ... It was his turn. He rolled the dice and landed on Science & Nature.
His question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?" He thought for a time and
then asked, "Is it on, or off?"
Dog Names
A guy was visiting his newfie friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked him what their names were.
The newfie replied that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.
His friend said, 'Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?'
"Dat's easy", answered the newfie. "Dey're watch dogs!"
Newfie speeding
A policeman in Ontario pulls over a Newfie for speeding, and while he's writing out the ticket a fly was bothering the Cop, so the Newfie says, "Dat's a circle fly, sir."
The policeman asks, "what's a circle fly?"
Newfie replies, "dem are da flies you find in da barn, circlin' around a 'orses ass."
The policeman asks, "are you calling me a horses ass?"
"Oh no, sir . . . I would never say a t'ing like dat . . . but you can't fool dem flies, sir."
Two Newfies were going to Disneyland. They were driving on the Interstate when they saw the sign that said "Disneyland LEFT", so they turned around and went home.
FLORIDA OR MOON
Two newfies were sitting on a bench talking, and one says to the other, "Which do ya tink is furder away. . . Florida, or the moon?"
The other turns and says "jezz, bye, dat's easy. Can you see Florida?????"
CAR TROUBLE
A newfie pushes his BMW into a gas station. He tells the mechanic it died.
After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
The newfie asks, "What's da story?"
The mechanic replies, "Just crap in the carburetor."
The newfie asks, "'ow often do I got to do dat?"
SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a newfie for speeding and asks him if he could see his license.
He replies in a huff, "Lard t'underin' Jaysus, bye, I wish you guys'd git your acts togedder!
Jiss yesterday you took away me license an' now today you expect me to show it to ya!"
THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE
A newfie goes into the doctor's office in Ontario and says that his body hurts wherever he touches it.
"Impossible!", says the doctor. "Show me."
The newfie took his finger, pushed on his left shoulder and screamed, then he pushed his elbow and screamed even more.
He pushed his knee and screamed and then pushed his ankle and screamed. Everywhere he touched made him scream.
The doctor said, "You're not from Ontario, are you?
"No", he replied, "I'm actually from Newfoundland."
"I thought so", said the doctor. "Your finger is broken."
IN A VACUUM
A newfie was playing Trivial Pursuit one night ... It was his turn. He rolled the dice and landed on Science & Nature.
His question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?" He thought for a time and
then asked, "Is it on, or off?"
Dog Names
A guy was visiting his newfie friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked him what their names were.
The newfie replied that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.
His friend said, 'Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?'
"Dat's easy", answered the newfie. "Dey're watch dogs!"
Newfie speeding
A policeman in Ontario pulls over a Newfie for speeding, and while he's writing out the ticket a fly was bothering the Cop, so the Newfie says, "Dat's a circle fly, sir."
The policeman asks, "what's a circle fly?"
Newfie replies, "dem are da flies you find in da barn, circlin' around a 'orses ass."
The policeman asks, "are you calling me a horses ass?"
"Oh no, sir . . . I would never say a t'ing like dat . . . but you can't fool dem flies, sir."
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