Brothers, Please give me strength

[Malve]

I have been trying so hard and for so long to avoid this and save my family.

The particulars don't matter but I can tell you that my family, our very best friends and HER family all say that she leaves me no other choice.

We've got a beautiful 2 & 3 year old daughter and it just kills me to think about the number of days that I won't get to be with them even though I will probably get full custody or close to it.

So please give me strength brothers and sisters and please avoid the ani-woman or anti-marriage comments because that is not what I want to hear as I am a family man and believe in marriage

 

[wheatonFJR]

All my best thoughts to you and your family.

 

[rushes]

I went through it in '93. With a 9 yr. old boy and a 3 yr. old girl. It's gonna be a rough road ahead.

You've got to be sure to take care of yourself. Nothing will make it better except time. But you will get through it.

 

[HaulinAshe]

I cried in the shower many, many mornings, worrying about how I was going to handle not seeing my girls. I wound up raising them myself but still cry often over what they have missed in life. Nobody plans a family with a divorce as outcome.

My best pieces of advice...

* Put the kids first, but remember that if you personally fall apart in the process that they have lost 50% or more of their support in life. Balance is the key.

* Forget trying to "be friends" with the ex. Many women consider "being friends" the same thing as not arguing. We men typically think very differently about it. There's a bunch of reasons you are getting a divorce. You can both agree to put the children ahead of your personal preferences. Common ground starts there and very well may end there, but that's okay too.

* Build your support network as rapidly as you can. You are going to need help, but even more, you are going to have to learn to accept help. That's especially tough for a man trying to prove himself after divorce.

* Have at least one "single" weekend a month. What happens on the FJR in Vegas, stays on your driver license.



* Don't expect society to come rushing to your aid. There's still a very large difference between the socially acceptable and readily available support services (and general public attitude) toward divorced men versus divorced women. It must be the social inequality that balances the workplace inequality, or something screwy like that. Learn to keep yourself in check.

Good luck. Your parents didn't have to face the obstacles you do, but they do know a thing or two.

 

[Mizz Bustanut]

One of the best things you can do for the kids is to take care of yourself and no matter how hard it gets, always

show respect for mom. The one thing that kids will remember is how each of you treated each other, etc. Maybe

not so much now because of their ages but as they get older, they will remember.

Wish you the best . . .

:nuetral: :nuetral:

 

[huk finn]

https://www.divorcesource.com/webcart/mensrightsbook.html

maybe this book could come into some use

 

[thompsonian]

Good luck bro. Many good thought sent your way. My parents split for a year when I was a senior in HS. Only thing I can say is don't let your kids ever think it was their fault. Always tell them you love them every day and put them first over everything.

 

[FJRay]

Hang in there!!! It really isn't the end of the world. Be there for your kids and stay to the high road. Life goes on and you will be smiling again. I went through it 25 years ago.

 

[artistic rider]

Listen to what Jeff Ashe wrote. Its so very true. My ex tried everything to keep me from seeing my daughter. Thankfully I quit trying to pay her back for all the crap she was putting me through and focused on seeing my daughter. Eventually the law finally worked for me and seeing my daughter wasn't to much of a problem again. She is now almost 21 with a full scholarship at Illinois University and has never forgotten how her father cared and was there through it all. I still have a pine cone from one of my early visits hanging from the mirror of my car. Been there in every car for the last 15 years. The pain will fade even though it feels like hell right now. Remember it will be ok and wishing you the best.

 

[SkooterG]

Hang in there Malve. This is a really ****** time for you. You will prevail, and it will get better. Time heals..........albeit sometimes very slowly.

I wish you the best.

Any may I suggest a good ride every once and a while to clear the demons from your head.

 

[Wild72]

Been there, done that, and have the t-shirts to prove it. (Two of them to be exact!!!). And I survived to tell the tale...

There has already been some excellent advice posted here, particularly regarding looking after yourself, and putting the children first.

Don't be tempted to allow either party to use the kids against the other. My first wife tried that and now that the kids are older (19 & 21) they still resent their mother for it.

Taking care of yourself is a huge piece of advice. The answers cannot be found at the end of a bottle of Scotch. I tried looking there and it caused more problems than it solved. (And that is from a Scotsman that enjoys a good drink!!!).

Keeping your friends around you is a great support mechanism. You might find a few drift away, particularly some of the mutual friends, but the true ones will be there to assist you.

I'm not going to pretend it's easy, but you will get through it, just as others have before you. There will be hurting, anger and a whole host of emotions, but you will end up a stronger person for it, and if done right, will earn the respect of your children.

Take things at your own pace, and do not rush into another relationship too soon. (That's how I got my second t-shirt). I know it's probably the farthest thing from your mind right now, but not having someone there when you get home from work etc. brings on feelings of loneliness and self-doubt, and can lead you into deeper troubles.

The emotional stress will be seemingly endless at first, and then suddenly you will feel released and able to think about the future of yourself and the children. Then you will wonder what all the fuss was about.

I've been with my latest wife almost fourteen years now, and life has never been better. The hard times you are enduring will make the good times to come all the more appreciated.

Keep your head held high and tough it out for a few months then go out and smell the roses. Life will be good again.

 

[FJRBluesman]

Malve - We'll be praying for you and your family.

 

[Toecutter]

Best wishes for inner strength sent. Don't be afraid to get on your knees and ask for some help. Worked for me....

Hang in there!

 

[1FJR]

Sorry to hear about that. I have not been through what you are going through. All I can offer is what I remember when my parents divorced when I was about 6 or 7.

My parents kept it civil around me and my older brother. I think that he took it harder than I did as he may have known more about what was going on. I spent many years at different homes on the weekends. At the time I hated it and did not understand it. It all worked out in the end. My father remarried later and of course I hated my step mother, felt that she was trying way to hard to be my mother.

I guess the only thing I can offer is talk to your kids and answer their questions the best you can with out lying or really hurting them. I realize now that is what my parents did and I think that I came away from it all right.

Neal

 

[Fencer]

It just happens sometimes.

I watched a friend go through a nasty one over the last 2-3 years. He didn't want it to end and would do anything for the kids,

you just need to realize as he never did, it take 2 to want to make it work. It doesn't sound like she does, realize that and move on.

My friends ex, used his desire to try to stay together, to rip him apart and take everything from him.

Move on

love your kids - never use them as pawns

forget the (soon to be) Ex

best of luck

 

[FJRGuy]

Going through the same thing but my daughter is 8 and the x and i are having equal access. It was tough getting to/through the acceptance stage but I am WAYYYYY happier than I've been in a long time. I'm sorry it had to come to this for you but envious of your position wrt custody. Once the dust settles, I'm willing to bet that you will be much happier than if you kept fighting the battle.

The breakdown of a marriage is sad, but ending an unhappy, unhealthy relationship is a good thing. Particularily for the girls!

Best of Luck. We're here when you need us.

Jeff

 

[Scab]

BTDT.

While it doesn't look that easy now, just love your kids. Time will come in their lives when some things become self-evident. Your kids will never expect perfection, but are happy if you try. Just give your best.

Remember when we were children. It wasn't the granting of every wish that made us secure. It was the builder of fences that made us safe.

 

[madmike2]

BTDT.....twice (as someone else said). I am truly sorry that your plans for the last year or 18 months have not worked out.

I raised my daughter as a single father (her mother left to "find herself" when our daughter was 18 months old).

Yep, its painful. Yep, it is ripping your world apart and destroying the principles upon which you thought you stood. Every tenet of life you have lived by is now under scrutiny and being examined by your doubting mind. This isn't what you envisioned, planed or wanted.

**** There is no answer to your "why" questions. So don't go there and don't let your mind (or your emotional/spiritual enemy) play "what if" or "if only" head games. ****

Jeff gave some of the best and most succinct advice I've read in a long time.

Your daughters are your focus, now. Some rules I made for myself (and enforced among my family:

1) We will never insult the mother.

2) We will never downgrade or demean the mother.

3) We will not air dirty laundry in front of the child(ren).

4) We will be polite and respectful of the mother (especially in the presence of the child(ren).

There are more, but you get the idea. My children (1 mine and 1 hers) did not learn anything about their mother from my lips or by overhearing any family chatter. They learned the truth of character from their own interaction....I got to play "heal the broken heart" many times. Now, years later, I'd do it again because of the wonderful, emotionally healthy and fine young lady I have for a daughter.

THAT is what you is the future you have to look forward to and nothing can take the place of that goal.

 

[DonRed7]

Thought's with you Malve....be strong for yourself and you'r children keep them close,...never argue/exchange in their midst.

-Don