Brothers, Please give me strength

[MojaveFJR]

Its all been said. Just keep the faith that it WILL get better.

Be sure to keep some daddy time aside. Ya need it. Even if it is a 2 hr ride on the FEEJ. Ya NEED that daddy alone time.

Best of luck with it. Been through it twice, neither time was easy.

 

[user 6393]

Self care is a theme here, listen to it...

Be true to you as well, the rest will work itself out.

 

[Tenchi]

Young, dumb and never been there - as always, take what I say with a grain of salt. There are many more experienced people than me speaking here.

Your daughters are your focus, now. Some rules I made for myself (and enforced among my family:1) We will never insult the mother.

2) We will never downgrade or demean the mother.

3) We will not air dirty laundry in front of the child(ren).

4) We will be polite and respectful of the mother (especially in the presence of the child(ren).

There are more, but you get the idea. My children (1 mine and 1 hers) did not learn anything about their mother from my lips or by overhearing any family chatter. They learned the truth of character from their own interaction....I got to play "heal the broken heart" many times. Now, years later, I'd do it again because of the wonderful, emotionally healthy and fine young lady I have for a daughter.

THAT is what you is the future you have to look forward to and nothing can take the place of that goal.

A lifelong friend, someone I grew up with since I was 6 months old, had her parents do the same thing. She became one of the most beautiful, amazing women I know today, so I second madmike2.

The taking care of yourself theme as everyone else has mentioned is also very important - it's impossible to take care of your kids without taking care of yourself.

Best of luck...

 

[FredandJeannesRacer]

When I went through our divorce, I felt like I was alone, like the only one in the world that felt like that.

Didn't take long to realize that many have gone before.

Just picked up the pieces and moved on.

Otherwise I would have never met my second wife.

Sometimes a bad situation turns into a good one.

 

[feejer222]

Love your kids as much as you ever did, thats all they ask. Try and keep them away from the crap side of things and keep an eye on them, it affects them without doubt and when you are in the thick of it you may not notice. Spend as much quality time with them as you can, be happy and have fun whenever you are with them.

A tough road ahead for you mate. Take one day at a time. You need support and friends to talk to, try and keep legal bills down, mine were high and added to the misery. It may not be easy to do, but if I could recomend anything it would be try and stay on good terms and sort things out amicably. Brace yourself for financial loss and accept it now, it will be less painful when the final payout arrives. At least if you can keep the lawyers bill down it may not be as bad.

Good luck....remember, one day at a time.

 

[painman]

Whatever you do, don't operate on how you "feel" or someone else's past experience. Prayers my friend. PM. <><

 

[squeezer]

My heart goes out to you. There's no way this doesn't hurt. Let me toss in two observations:

- Kids do much better in a split family than a dysfunctional one. My wife and I are both social scientists who have studied family issues for most of our adult lives and there are decades of research on this and it is unambiguous. Couples that stay together for the kids' sake are doing their kids no favor at all. That said, heed the words here that you should continue to show respect for your ex. Things can remain dysfunctional even if you live apart.

- You're going to grieve, your kids are going to grieve, and it's going to be very similar to the grief process people go through when a loved one has died. This observation doesn't come from my career as a social scientist, but my career as a bartender where I served up beers and ears to a lot guys going through this, not to mention my own experience (tho' we didn't have kids). There's a lot of stuff written on the grief process. Read up on it a bit so you can help your kids and yourself get through it.

You will get through it. There's no way it won't suck, though. Hang in there.

 

[bramfrank]

I'm two years into the process, having been told I was getting a divorce as my 20th anniversary present in September 2006.

Two kids - a 14 YO daughter (a real wild one) and a 16 YO son (couldn't ask for an easier-going child) make life interesting, since I have full custody of the kids. She doesn't even have visitation rights (not that she couldn't if she'd wanted them).

Just to make things more interesting (as if a recalcitrant hopefully soon-to-be-ex and a wild, completely disrespectful daughter who thinks it is fun to call 911 and tell them 'daddy abused her' (thank goodness the child welfare people here know what's going on), my office reduced my comp plan by 35% last year and have proposed a further 40% reduction this year.

We (as in I run it and she gets the income) also operate a small business that is in 'her' name and I am ordered by the courts to continue operating it 'for her' without compensation in addition to the $2K/month she is entitled to on a temporary basis.

So no matter how bad you feel it is, *someone* out there has it worse.

Some hints:

I'm almost $30K into lawyers - and all mine does is respond to garbage from hers. DO NOT instigate anything - your lawyer is NOT your friend (interesting enough, my present lawyer and I ARE friends, but that's another story).

When she says she wants 'things to be amicable', it means that she expects you to willingly give her EVERYTHING (in my case she already had more than half of everything, not that she did anything to bring the money in - I did it for tax purposes).

Always remember that divorced women are from another planet - it is a cult.

Your wife probably has a (growing) number of divorced friends - and because they are all miserable c*nts, the only thing they want to do is induct more members into their ranks - so your wife probably really doesn't REALLY want a divorce. Her FRIENDS want her to get a divorce because misery loves company. Your wife's perspective is that 'the grass is always greener on the other side of the street'.

Unless you've been abusing her, she WILL come to regret her actions - unless she is independently wealthy, a smoking hot babe and as athletic as a gymnast - mind you, if she is all that, then you MUST be quite the catch for the women to have landed her, and you won't be lonely for long.

YOU CANNOT KEEP YOUR KIDS OUT OF THE PROCESS. But you CAN avoid bad-mouthing her in front of them. You will unload on your friends (who will be patient, but will internally hate you for being such a one-track bore).

Here's a hint. No matter how depressed you are, when you date your smoking hot bank teller, do not spend the time with her bitching about the ex before, during and/or after. They don't care and you won't get a second chance (don't ask me how I know).

I'm told that there is light at the end of the tunnel - but we don't even expect a court date (because she won't negotiate) to be assigned until March '09 - from there, who knows?

Good luck.

 

[feejer222]

I'm two years into the process, having been told I was getting a divorce as my 20th anniversary present in September 2006.
Two kids - a 14 YO daughter (a real wild one) and a 16 YO son (couldn't ask for an easier-going child) make life interesting, since, I have full custody of the kids. She doesn't even have visitation rights (not that she couldn't if she'd wanted them).

Just to make things more interesting (as if a recalcitrant hopefully soon-to-be-ex and a wild, completely disrepectful daughter who thinks it is fun to call 911 and tell them 'daddy abused her' (thank goodness the child welfare people here know what's going on), my office reduced my comp plan by 35% last year and have proposed a further 40% reduction this year.

We (as in I run it and she gets the income) also operate a small business that is in 'her' name and I am ordered by the courts to continue operating it 'for her' without compensation in addition to the $2K/month she is entitled to on a temporary basis.

So no matter how bad you feel it is, *someone* out there has it worse.

Some hints:

I'm almost $30K into lawyers - and all mine does is respond to garbage from hers. DO NOT instigate anything - your lawyer is NOT your friend (interesting enough, my present lawyer and I ARE friends, but that's another story).

When she says she wants 'things to be amicable', it means that she expects you to willingly give her EVERYTHING (in my case she already had more than half of everything, not that she did anything to bring the money in - I did it for tax purposes).

Always remember that divorced women are from another planet - it is a cult.

Your wife probably has a (growing) number of divorced friends - and because they are all miserable c*nts, the only thing they want to do is induct more members into their ranks - so your wife probably really doesn't REALLY want a divorce. Her FRIENDS want her to get a divorce because misery loves company. Your wife's perspective is that 'the grass is always greener on the other side of the street'.

Unless you've been abusing her, she WILL come to regret her actions - unless she is independently wealthy, a smoking hot babe and as athletic as a gymnast - mind you, if she is all that, then you MUST be quite the catch for the women to have landed her, and you won't be lonely for long.

YOU CANNOT KEEP YOUR KIDS OUT OFTHE PROCESS. But you CAN avoid bad-mouthing her in front of them. You will unload on your friends (who will be patient, but will internally hate you for being such a one-track bore).

Here's a hint. No matter how depressed you are, when you date your smoking hot bank teller, do not spend the time with her bitching about the ex before, during and/or after. They don't care and you won't get a second chance (don't ask me how I know).

I'm told that there is light at the end of the tunnel - but we don't even expect a court date (because she won't negotiate) to be assigned until March '09 - from there, who knows?

Good luck.

Thanks for the laugh...I laugh at myself as much as you, if we didn't we would cry for sure. I had a similar situation....it is soooo unfair, so many of these things are so true.

your lawyer is NOT your friend

That is so true. I paid big bucks for a real good one......joke. I couldn't have ended up worse without any representation at all.

 

[FJRMGM]

when my wife and I separated I went to to a court ordered "S.M.I.L.E. " seminar which stood for Start Making It Livable for Everyone.

It emphasized being civil to your ex and never bad mouthing that person in front of the children or putting the children in the middle or using the children to get even with the ex. And always remember that at one point in time you thought enough of that person to want to have children with them.

Someone also gave me this advice: The best way to get over one woman is to get under another.

And they were right.

 

[J-DADDY]

Dear Malve,

I went through a divorce thirty-some years ago. Without getting into details, I will tell you that I was the bad guy and deserved (most of) what I got.

You mention you believe you will be getting custody of your children. This is HUGE!

Do what is right and honest with them.

Try NOT to feel sorry for yourself...it will not help-that will only prolong the healing process.

Be in touch with your pastor and spiritual brothers and sisters.

Stay away from drugs/alcohol (please don't ask!)

Forgive the woman. (This is a decision of the heart and doesn't mean forget!) This will keep you from becoming bitter.

We do not know what the future holds around the next bend. Keep lookin' up!

I sincerely pray this helps,

JC

 

[bramfrank]

I suggested mediation - she refused

I suggested sharing a lawyer (after all, this was to be amicable, right?), she refused

I suggested counselling, she refused.

Where I am and in my situation there is no 'family patrimony', yet after almost 20 years of her REFUSING to get a job, and me having given her the material and financial benefits in any case (which I did not have to) she ended up with more than half, wants the rest and claims she is unemployable . . . . because she is supposedly disabled (she isn't) and didn't work (talk about your self fulfilling prophesies).

The good news is that she;

1. Has been volunteering in various agencies

2. because she is such a great asset she was offered free executive training, which she refused.

3. Was caught having lied on her court filings when we did 'discovery' that she insisted on.

4. Took money and food and assets from the bank and family home before she dumped the news on me.

5. Assauted me in my home (in front of the kids) the week before we transferred title of the home to me - I was forced to take on a mortgage for my home in order to pay her for half the value in the home to which she contributed not a penny . . . and only because I stupidly put her name alongside mine on the deed - then she went out for a drive, drunk. When she got home she was escorted from the home by the police to spend the night with a friend of hers (I never pressed charges. I should have).

To quote my lawyer, mine is a "real piece of work" and I "Hit the jackpot with this one".

I sympathise with you, but from what you said, you may be spared a LOT of the potential pain. Again, good luck.

 

[rushes]

Keep in mind, wives may come and go, ex-wives are forever. You've got to try to get along.

Here's something that helped me.

Attitude

"The longer I live, the more I realize the impact of attitude on life.

Attitude, to me, is more important than facts. It is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than failures, than successes, than what other people think or say or do. It is more important than appearance, giftedness, or skill. It will make or break a company ... a church ... a home.

The remarkable thing is we have a choice every day regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day. We cannot change our past. We cannot change the fact that people will act in a certain way. We cannot change the inevitable.

The only thing we can do is play on the one string we have, and that is our attitude ... I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me, and 90% how I react to it. And so it is with you ... we are in charge of our Attitudes."

Charles Swindoll

 

[05fjrBluedevil]

I have been trying so hard and for so long to avoid this and save my family.
The particulars don't matter but I can tell you that my family, our very best friends and HER family all say that she leaves me no other choice.

We've got a beautiful 2 & 3 year old daughter and it just kills me to think about the number of days that I won't get to be with them even though I will probably get full custody or close to it.

So please give me strength brothers and sisters and please avoid the ani-woman or anti-marriage comments because that is not what I want to hear as I am a family man and believe in marriage

Best wishes for you as you work through this time. Al though I went through this so many years ago and you are right it does just tear a person up. Keep strong, spend every moment you can with the little ones, let them know that through it all that you love them very much and once you have decided if the split must happen or not happen, never say anything against their mother....

They will thank you for it when they are older.....

I remember going through it -it was a long 18 years, I spent every moment I had with my son, gave up everything to get the joint custody.... I remember going to his school for lunches while he was in grade school, his class mates use to always see how many could fit at the table....I think, I spent the first 4 years working and being a dad.... only..... I wondered where all the time had gone.....I did not date much during those years as I preferred to have my son around and spent a lot of my time driving back and forth across the bridge to and from. picking him up, going home, spending time messing around, getting up early to drive him to school, then back across the bridge to go to work and then doing it over again, . I remember going out and if the women couldn't deal with me as a single father who wanted his son around, then they were gone........Only after my son got to the age of it not being cool to hang out with the old man did I move on... In hind site I should have moved on and had another family and had him join that family so that there would be the stability that the kids need.....I remember seeing every movie that came out, movie day... going to the theme parks, going to the play grounds, going jungle walking was his favorite thing to do, we would just go walking in the woods for hours and hours.... reading books to him as he feel asleep....

Then there was the introduction to golf-----I had him playing at a very young age..... In order to get him to play we would pretend that we were shooting photon launchers at dinosaurs....We played so much golf that he actually really doesn't like to play now.......Sorry to preach... be strong, work it out if possible if not-look for the good that will come, and embrace the time you have to spend with the little ones.... Good luck prayers coming your way... hoping it works out the best for you....

Mike

 

[radman]

Seems a good parallel exists concerning divorce with the crashing mantra often written here-as if it's inevitable regardless of cautions and efforts to stave off the Demons. And the Demons do exist-be sure. Several industries/government help programs thrive on the misery of the situation-and none of them geared toward assisting the male of the species. GET A LAWYER!!!!!! They will be jumping to the aid of the soon to be ex, and will work in concert to put you in the worst light possible, their mere existence depends on it. You need someone in your camp or the Demons will see to it your children view you as something that crawled from the garbage, undeserving of their attention, if you see them at all it will be determined by a judge, who is conditioned by the system to favor the mother even if she's a meth addicted liquor store holdup artist. Those who don't believe this haven't been worked over by the system. Her claims must be disproved by you-the "innocent until proven otherwise" does not exist in divorce proceedings if you're male. If all this sounds unbelievable-ask anyone who's gone through the system-and the worst is that The Demons like to take full advantage of the fact that a guy is often willing to take the high road, concede rights in the hopes that things will come around, and is at his most vulnerable during this awful period in his life. I wish you luck in the days to come, don't let them drag you down!

 

[05fjrBluedevil]

Seems a good parallel exists concerning divorce with the crashing mantra often written here-as if it's inevitable regardless of cautions and efforts to stave off the Demons. And the Demons do exist-be sure. Several industries/government help programs thrive on the misery of the situation-and none of them geared toward assisting the male of the species. GET A LAWYER!!!!!! They will be jumping to the aid of the soon to be ex, and will work in concert to put you in the worst light possible, their mere existence depends on it. You need someone in your camp or the Demons will see to it your children view you as something that crawled from the garbage, undeserving of their attention, if you see them at all it will be determined by a judge, who is conditioned by the system to favor the mother even if she's a meth addicted liquor store holdup artist. Those who don't believe this haven't been worked over by the system. Her claims must be disproved by you-the "innocent until proven otherwise" does not exist in divorce proceedings if you're male. If all this sounds unbelievable-ask anyone who's gone through the system-and the worst is that The Demons like to take full advantage of the fact that a guy is often willing to take the high road, concede rights in the hopes that things will come around, and is at his most vulnerable during this awful period in his life. I wish you luck in the days to come, don't let them drag you down!

Okay, now that I smacked myself in the head- work towards some how getting the tax deductions- that is the one thing that i did do that helped with the thought of handing my money to that women for all those years.....Like RAd said get an att.... hopefully one that will be on your side.....worse case get joint custody......

Then if future things happen you are almost considered an equal, otherwise you are not by most systems..........I know that in Kentucky was true and still is......

 

[RAVENRIDER]

Very sorry to hear about your pain. I'm far from being a role model, but I know Jesus came through for me after I finally bent a knee. Now I fear nothing this world can throw at me including death, and I'm never alone.

God bless,

Murph

 

[Malve]

Thanks everybody. The support is really appreciated. I knew I could count on y'all in a time of need am am really impressed with the quality advice offered. I have received several PM's with other helpful and supportive words and it really means a lot to me.

Anyway, sure would be nice to have a pillion, for the bike and in life.

 

[krashdragon]

Thanks everybody. The support is really appreciated. I knew I could count on y'all in a time of need am am really impressed with the quality advice offered. I have received several PM's with other helpful and supportive words and it really means a lot to me.
Anyway, sure would be nice to have a pillion, for the bike and in life.

Sorry to hear this... BTDT, the ex divorced me.

Good advice form the guys...

The only other thing is, even tho you are really in a turmoil... try not to talk too much about it in front of your friends, they really dont' want to know.

Just use the board and pm's here...

Oh, even tho my kids knew before I did that my ex was cheating, even my ex made it a point to tell them that it was not their fault. one was 15 and the other 18 at the time. They still wont' talk to him, tho.

Just let your kids know you love them and be noncommital if they ask about their mom.

Take care of yourself. You still have a life to live.

Sending prayers.

Mary

 

[RonBB]

Been there, so sorry to learn of another going through it. I think looking back at it after 25 years now I would suggest that keeping in my mind at time, "to remember I would have to live with myself later" was the best thing I did & could have done for myself. Remember to keep your perspective and not that of those around you. Lawyers profit from disputes. Listen to legal advice but decide for yourself what things are important to you in the long run. Find someone close that you trust & can talk to. Remember, it may work out for the best. I know that this is difficult to believe in the current situation. I suggest not giving a lot of credence to all the divorce war stories that you will hear. Remember the Ex will be hearing that stuff too. Summary, survive the present but plan for the future. Wishing you the best.