FJR_pig
Bud Light Real Man of Genius
Chili Contest
Notes from an inexperienced Seattle chili taster named Frank who was visiting Texas:
"Recently I was honored to be selected as an Outstanding Famous
Celebrity in Texas, to be a judge at a chili cook-off because no one
else wanted to do it. Also the original person called in sick at the
last minute and I happened to be standing there at the judges' table
asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came in. I was assured
by the other two judges (native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all
that spicy, and besides they told me I could have free beer during the
tasting, so I accepted." Here are the score cards from the event:
Chili #1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Chili
JUDGE ONE: A little to heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy smokes, what is this stuff? You could remove dried paint
from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out.
Hope that's the worst one. These hicks are crazy. :blink:
Chili #2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili
JUDGE ONE: Smoky (barbecue?) with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting barbecue flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what
I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who
wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver while I shoved my way to the
front of the beer line.
Chili #3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick! Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
FRANK: This has got to be a joke! Call the EPA, I've located a
!?#@%~#@*_#! uranium spill! :nuke: My nose feels like I have been sneezing
Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now and got out of my way so I
could make it to the beer wagon. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my
backbone is in the front part of my chest.
Chili #4: Bubba's Black Magic
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
other mild foods, not much of a chili.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to
taste it. :bad: Sally, the bar maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills
so that I wouldn't have to dash over to see her.
Chili #5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground adding
considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit
the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing and I can no longer focus my eyes. I belched
and four people in front of me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed
hurt when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally
saved my tongue by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. Sort of
irritates me that one of the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
Chili #6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice
and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.
Superb.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous
flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally.
Chili #7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef threw in canned chili peppers
at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about judge #3, he
appears to be in a bit of distress.
FRANK: You could put a hand grenade in my mouth and pull the pin and I
wouldn't feel it. I've lost sight in one eye and the world sounds like
it is made of rushing water. My clothes are covered with chili which
slid unnoticed out of my mouth at some point. Good, at autopsy they'll
know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful
and I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air I'll let it in
through the hole in my stomach.
Chili #8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili
JUDGE ONE: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor
hot. Sorry to see most of it was lost when Judge number 3 fell and
pulled most of the pot on top of himself.
JUDGE TWO: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all,
not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
FRANK: __________________________... :rip_1:
Notes from an inexperienced Seattle chili taster named Frank who was visiting Texas:
"Recently I was honored to be selected as an Outstanding Famous
Celebrity in Texas, to be a judge at a chili cook-off because no one
else wanted to do it. Also the original person called in sick at the
last minute and I happened to be standing there at the judges' table
asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came in. I was assured
by the other two judges (native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all
that spicy, and besides they told me I could have free beer during the
tasting, so I accepted." Here are the score cards from the event:
Chili #1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Chili
JUDGE ONE: A little to heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy smokes, what is this stuff? You could remove dried paint
from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out.
Hope that's the worst one. These hicks are crazy. :blink:
Chili #2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili
JUDGE ONE: Smoky (barbecue?) with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting barbecue flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what
I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who
wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver while I shoved my way to the
front of the beer line.
Chili #3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick! Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
FRANK: This has got to be a joke! Call the EPA, I've located a
!?#@%~#@*_#! uranium spill! :nuke: My nose feels like I have been sneezing
Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now and got out of my way so I
could make it to the beer wagon. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my
backbone is in the front part of my chest.
Chili #4: Bubba's Black Magic
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
other mild foods, not much of a chili.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to
taste it. :bad: Sally, the bar maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills
so that I wouldn't have to dash over to see her.
Chili #5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground adding
considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit
the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing and I can no longer focus my eyes. I belched
and four people in front of me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed
hurt when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally
saved my tongue by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. Sort of
irritates me that one of the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
Chili #6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice
and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.
Superb.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous
flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally.
Chili #7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef threw in canned chili peppers
at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about judge #3, he
appears to be in a bit of distress.
FRANK: You could put a hand grenade in my mouth and pull the pin and I
wouldn't feel it. I've lost sight in one eye and the world sounds like
it is made of rushing water. My clothes are covered with chili which
slid unnoticed out of my mouth at some point. Good, at autopsy they'll
know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful
and I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air I'll let it in
through the hole in my stomach.
Chili #8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili
JUDGE ONE: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor
hot. Sorry to see most of it was lost when Judge number 3 fell and
pulled most of the pot on top of himself.
JUDGE TWO: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all,
not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
FRANK: __________________________... :rip_1:
