First day in Hell

[FJReady]

One day a guy died and found himself in hell. As he was wallowing in despair, he had his first meeting with a demon.

The demon asked, "Why so glum?"

The guy responded, "What do you think? I'm in hell!"

"Hell's not so bad," the demon said. "We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?"

"Sure," the man said, "I love to drink."

"Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays all we do is drink Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet Tab and Fresca. We drink till we throw up and then we drink some more!"

The guy is astounded. "Damn, that sounds great."

"You a smoker?" the demon asked.

"You better believe it!"

"You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out! . If you get cancer, no biggie You're already dead, remember?"

"Wow, the guy said, "that's awesome!"

The demon continued. "I bet you like to gamble."

"Why yes, as a matter of fact I do."

"Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, well, you're dead anyhow. You into drugs?"

The guy said, "Are you kidding? I love drugs! You don't mean . . ."

"That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, you're dead, who cares!"

"Wow," the guy said, starting to feel better about his situation, "I never realized Hell was such a cool place!"

The demon said, "You gay?"

"No"

"Ooooh, you're gonna hate Fridays!"

 

[Fred W]

"That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine.

:rofl:

 

[ionbeam]

A bad man dies and is sent to hell where he is greeted by the devil. The devil tells the man he must choose between three hells.

The first hell is very hot and he sees a lot of people burning in fire. The next hell is freezing cold and he sees people shivering and clamoring. In the third hell, he sees people standing in **** up to their waist but they look quite happy. They are drinking a cup of coffee and are chatting with each other. So the bad person says to the devil, "I choose the this hell with all the people standing in **** up to their waist but drinking coffee."

So the devil admits the bad person into the third hell. He gets his cup of coffee, starts talking with the other people and feels quite comfortable. Suddenly he hears a beep from a loud speaker that says, "Attention. Attention. Coffee break is over. It's time to stand on your head now."

 

[wfooshee]

Similar, and just as old:

Hitler shows up in Hell, and the devil shows him three choices of punishment. The first, he see Goering being boiled in oil. The second, he sees Goebbels being devoured by insects, In the third he sees Stalin making love to Greta Garbo. Hitler chooses the third, Stalin's punishment. The devil says, "OK, but that's actually Garbo's punishment."