In Memory of Don Stanley - Irish Joke of the Week

[bigjohnsd]

A golfer playing in Ireland hooked his drive into the woods.

Looking for his ball, he found a little Leprechaun flat on his back, a big bump on his head, and the golfer's ball beside him.

Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from the cart and poured it over the little guy, reviving him.

"Arrgh! What happened?" the Leprechaun asked.

"I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball," the golfer says.

"Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square. Ye get three wishes, so whaddya want?"

"Thank God, you're all right!" the golfer answers in relief. "I don't want anything, I'm just glad you're OK, and I apologize." And the golfer walks off.

"What a nice guy," the Leprechaun says to himself.

"I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things I would want: a great golf game, all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life."

A year goes by and the golfer is back. On the same hole, he again hits a bad drive into the woods, and the Leprechaun is there waiting for him.

"Twas me that made ye hit the ball here," the little guy says. "I just want to ask ye, how's yer golf game?"

"My game is fantastic!" the golfer answers.

"I'm an internationally famous golfer now." He adds,

"By the way, it's good to see you're all right."

"Oh, I'm fine now, thank ye. I did that fer yer golf game, you know. And tell me, how's yer money situation?"

"Why, it's just wonderful!" the golfer states.

"When I need cash, I just reach in my pocket and pull out $100 bills

I didn't even know were there!"

"I did that fer ye also. And tell me, how's yer sex life?"

The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment, and says shyly, "It's OK."

"C'mon, c'mon now," urged the Leprechaun, "I'm wanting to know if I did a good job. How many times a week?"

Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers,

"Once, sometimes twice a week."

"What?" responds the Leprechaun in shock. "That's all? Only once or twice a week?"

"Well," says the golfer, "I figure that's not bad for a priest in a small parish."

 

[Surly]

Don would be proud.

 

[Pterodactyl]

+1, Gunny; JSNS, Aye!

 

[Panman]

 

[Uncle Hud]

Don would be proud.

Faith and begorrah, he would!

 

[HotRodZilla]

I'm sitting on a Metro Train on the way into DC, and pepole are looking at me laugh like an idiot. I guarantee you, I am NOT the craziest guy on this train.

 

[Redfish Hunter]

I'm sitting on a Metro Train on the way into DC, and pepole are looking at me laugh like an idiot. I guarantee you, I am NOT the craziest guy on this train.

The Ugliest?

 

[HotRodZilla]

RFH, you're being mean. I'm filing a "Hurt Feelings Report" against you. I'll be cowering in my Safe Space until you get your harshly worded letter.

 

[Redfish Hunter]

I actually have a few copies of that report sitting on my desk at work.

My friend, I look forward to apologizing in person. Soon.

 

[bigjohnsd]

Zilla, you have to fill out the dann report to file it, you, more than anyone, should know about that!

 

[Pterodactyl]

Three Irishmen are sitting in the pub window seat, watching the front door of the brothel over the road. The local Methodist pastor appears, and quickly goes inside. "Would you look at that!" says the first Irishman. "Didn't I always say what a bunch of hypocrites they are?"

No sooner are the words out of his mouth than a Rabbi appears at the door, knocks, and goes inside. "Another one trying to fool everyone with pious preaching and stupid hats!"

They continue drinking their beer while roundly condemning the vicar and the rabbi when they see their own Catholic priest knock on the door. "Ah, now dat's sad." says the third Irishman. "One of the girls must have died..."

 

[RossKean]

An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her Father cursed her heavily.

'Where have ye been all this time, child? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother through?'

The girl, crying, replied, Dad... I became a prostitute.'
'Ye what!? Get out a here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this Catholic family.'

'OK, Dad... as ye wish. I only came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion, plus a 5 million savings certificate. For me little brother, this gold Rolex. And for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club ... (takes a breath) ... and an invitation for ye all to spend New Year's Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera.'

'What was it ye said ye had become?' says Dad.

Girl, crying again, 'A prostitute, Daddy!.'

'Oh! My Goodness! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant! Come here and give yer old Dad a hug !!!

 

[Uncle Hud]

What do you call an Irishman sitting on a couch? Paddy O'Furniture

...............................................................................

Sean goes into a bar and orders seven shots of Jameson and a Guinness. The barman lines up shots and goes to get the Guinness. When he comes back with the pint, all seven shots are gone.

Barman: “Wow! You sure drank those fast.”

Sean: "You would drink fast, too, if you had what I have.”

Barman: “What do you have?”

Sean, bolting for the door: “Fifty cents!”

.................................................................................................

This one's not Salma, but I think beemerdons would still enjoy ...

 

[HotRodZilla]

^^^^^I don't know about Don, but I approve.

AND, I just read that first joke to my Catholic wife. She said, "That's ridiculous," and she laughed a little. I fully laughed again. Haha..

 

[FJRay]

How to get to heaven from Ireland


A true Story from an Irish Sunday School Teacher

I was testing children in my Dublin Sunday school class to see if they
understood the concept of getting to heaven.
'I asked them,"If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and

​ gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?"

"NO!" the children answered.
"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden, and kept everything

​ tidy, would that get me into heaven?"

Again, the answer was NO!
"If I gave sweets to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get

​ me into heaven?"'

Again, they all answered NO!
I was just bursting with pride for them. I continued, "Then how can I get

​i​
n​​
to heaven?"
A little boy shouted out: "YUV GOTTA BE FOOKN' DEAD."
It's a curious race, the Irish. Brings a tear to the eye, doesn't it?

 

[steveoreno]

^^^^^I don't know about Don, but I approve.
AND, I just read that first joke to my Catholic wife. She said, "That's ridiculous," and she laughed a little. I fully laughed again. Haha..

My chaplain, Father O'Connor told us the first joke at an event a couple of year's ago and they say priest's have no sense of humor.