Jokes to Offend Everyone

[stergios]

JOKES TO OFFEND EVERYONE

What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?

Juan on Juan

What is a Yankee?

The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover ?

The position of the dirt bag

Why is divorce so expensive?

Because it's worth it.

What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?

Doughnuts

Why is air a lot like sex?

Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

What do you call a smart blonde?

A golden retriever.

What do attorneys use for birth control?

Their personalities.

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?

10 years and 45 lbs

What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?

45 minutes

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?

Through his chest with a sharp knife

Why do men want to marry virgins?

They can't stand criticism.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?

Because those men already have boyfriends.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?

After a year, the dog is still excited to see you

Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying?

The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?

Because they have cotton balls.

What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?

A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?

"Are you sure it's mine?"

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?

Mace will do that to you.

Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia ?

Everyone has the same DNA.

Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?

Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

Where does an Irish family go on vacation?

A different bar.

Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a blonde baby?

They named him "Sum Ting Wong"

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?

A speech impediment

What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?

A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with... "a recipe".

How do you get a sweet 80-year-old lady to say the F word?

Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?

A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time .." -A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this s**t...."

 

[user 8909]

missed one, or two..

What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast?

They're hiring.

What do you call an Arkansas farmer with a sheep under each arm?

A pimp.

Why aren't there any Puerto Ricans on Star Trek?

Because they're not going to work in the future either.

What's the Cuban national anthem?

"Row, Row, Row Your Boat"

 

[user 8909]

HOW MOSES GOT THE 10 COMMANDMENTS

God went to the Arabs and said, "I have Commandments for you that will

make your lives better."

The Arabs asked, "What are Commandments?"

And the Lord said, "They are rules for living."

"Can you give us an example?"

"Thou shall not kill."

"Not kill? We're not interested."

So He went to the Blacks and said, "I have Commandments."

The Blacks wanted an example, and the Lord said, "Honor thy Father and

Mother."

"Father? We don't know who our fathers are. We're not interested."

Then He went to the Mexicans and said, "I have Commandments."

The Mexicans also wanted an example, and the Lord said "Thou shall not

steal."

"Not steal? We're not interested."

Then He went to the French and said, "I have Commandments."

The French too wanted an example and the Lord said, "Thou shall not

commit adultery."

"Not commit adultery? We're not interested."

Finally, He went to the Jews and said, "I have Commandments."

"Commandments?" They said, "How much are they?"

"They're free."

"We'll take 10."

 

[user 8909]

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were

waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.

The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been

waiting for 15 minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but

I've never seen such ineptitude!

"The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the

greenskeeper. Let's have a word

with him." [dramatic pause]

"Hi George. Say, what's with that group

ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"

The greenskeeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a

group of blind firefighters.

They lost their sight saving our club house from

a fire last year, so we always let them play

for free anytime."

The group was silent for a moment.

The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will

say a special prayer for them tonight."

The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to

contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's

anything he can do for them."

The engineer said, "Why can't these guys

play at night?"

An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called

out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful

princess". He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into

a

beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."

The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned

it

to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and

turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you

want."

Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it

back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter?

I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a

week

and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

The engineer said, "Look I'm an engineer. I don't have time

for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."

A black Jewish kid says to his mom, "Mom, am I more black or more

Jewish?"

His mom says, "Well, that's a very good question. You should ask your

father."

When his dad gets home, the kid confronts him. "Dad, am I more Jewish

or

more black?"

Dad replies, "That's a heck of a question, son. May I ask why you want

to

know?"

So the kid says, "Well, Tommy down the street is selling his bike for

$15,

and I don't know whether to Jew him down to $10 or just steal the

thing."

 

[user 8909]

An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall. A young man walked up to

the bench and sat down. He had spiked hair all different colors, green, red,

orange, blue, and yellow. The old man just stared.

The young man said, "What's the matter old timer, never done anything wild

in your life?"

The old man replied, "Got drunk once and had sex with a parrot.* I was

just wondering if you were my son."

 

[Bike Effects]

Stergios, do some call you Serge and do you ride a funny looking Italian bike?

 

[stergios]

Nah. Some folks used to call me Sterge!!!!

And I have a cute looking FJR here in Ireland.

For those who are interested, or not, it is my Greek name.

Cheers, Steve

Stergios, do some call you Serge and do you ride a funny looking Italian bike?