Newfie logger

[Madmudder]

Felix, a Newfie logger, travels across Canada to see the Pacific Ocean.



He arrives in Nanaimo and likes it so much that he decides to stay. But first he must find a job.



Felix goes to the local MacMillan-Bloedel office and fills out an application as an 'experienced' logger.



It's his lucky day. Mac-Blo is looking for an experienced logger.



The personnel manager asks Joe, the grumpy bush foreman, to verify Felix's logging experience.







Joe drives Felix into the forest, stops the truck on the side of the road, and points at a tree.

He says, "See that tree over there? What is the species and how many board feet of lumber does it have?"





Felix replies, "Dat dere's a Sitka Spruce and she got 383 board feet a' lumber in 'er."



Joe is impressed. He drives a mile down the road and stops. He points at a tree and asks the same question.







Felix replies, "Lord tunderin'jasus b'y! Dat's yer Douglas Fir and she got 690 board feet."



Joe is really impressed. Felix answered quickly and got the answers right without even using a calculator!



One more test. They drive a little farther down the road, and Joe stops at the side of the road.



Joe points to a tree and asks, "And what about that one?"







Felix replies, "A Yeller Cedar, 242 board feet at most."



Joe spins the truck around and heads back to the office.



He is annoyed because Felix is smarter than he is.



Then he stops the truck and asks Felix to step outside.



Joe hands Felix a piece of chalk and says, "I want you to mark an X on the front of that tree over there."







As Felix runs towards the tree Joe mumbles to himself, "*****! How would he know the front of a tree?"



Felix reaches the tree, walks around it and looks at the ground.



Then he then reaches up and places a white X on the side that faces the road.







He runs back to the truck and hands the chalk to Joe.



Felix says, "Dat's da front a' dat tree fer sure."



Joe laughs sarcastically and asks, "How in hell do you know that's the front of the tree?"



Cleaning the toe of his left boot in the gravel, Felix replies, "Cuz someone took a **** behind it!"







Felix got the job.

 

[Tiger_993]

 

[RaYzerman19]

A Newfie woodcutter is happily cutting one cord a day with his axe, but one day he's in town walking by the Home Hardware store and sees a double-bladed axe in the window. Curiosity got the better of him, and he went in.

The hardware store guy informs him that a double bladed axe will indeed cut twice as much as a single, and "I guarantee it, if it doesn't bring it back". The Newfie takes one, and sure enough, he was cutting two cords a day.

A few weeks later, he's walking by the Home Hardware again, and sees this nice new Husquavarna chain saw in the window..... curiosity got the better of him and he went in.

The hardware guy and him had a long conversation about the chainsaw's ability to cut 10 cords a day with ease, and the hardware guy absolutely guaranteed it or money back. The Newfie, convinced, takes it.

A few days later, he's back at the hardware store with the chain saw. Lard tunderin' it only cuts just over a cord a day, I think something's wrong with it and I want my money back. Hardware guy says, "Well, let me take it back to the shop and quickly check it over." He takes it out back, pulls the cord and it starts right up.

The Newfie yells, "Lard tunderin', whazzat noise?"

 

[Redfish Hunter]

Now I do not believe that last one. No way a Husqvarna started right up.

If it had been a Stihl... That I could believe.

 

[El Toro]

All the Newfies I used to know worked in the Cod Fishery, but them dayz is gone. I guess they've turned to wood cuttin'.

Felix is my kinda guy.

My saws are Echos.

 

[HotRodZilla]

You all know how much I hate agreeing with RFH. It's mostly a pride thing, since he is prone to such bad decisions. I mean, the guy drives a Chevy for fuckssake. BUT, he's very correct about the chainsaws. My dad had a single Husqvarna for nearly 25 years. It was a good saw, and kept our house warm every winter, but holy Hell, getting that thing started when it was cold was a testimony to my dad's patience and endurance. Although, there are times when our Stihls are no better. Haha...

 

[Redfish Hunter]

Well I like it when Zilla agrees with me. It makes me feel smarter!

I have had good results with Husqvarna, Echo, and Stihl. I can actually remember using Poulan and Homelite saws also but I remember working on them. A lot.

It was really more about maintaining my sarcastic persona than anything.

 

[RaYzerman19]

Now I do not believe that last one. No way a Husqvarna started right up.

If it had been a Stihl... That I could believe.

You are absolutely right, Husky's can be cantankerous. I got an old Stihl 036 w/20" bar given to me, had not been running for a few years. First I just took it half apart and cleaned up the gunk, fresh gas, and it fired right up on the second pull. I stihl have it. A bit too much chain saw, but ok.

 

[bluesdog]

A Newfie is applying for a job, but the foreman hates Newfies, so he must correctly answer three questions!

"Here’s your first question,” the foreman said.

“Without using numbers, represent the number 9.”

“Without numbers?” The Newfie says. “Dat is easy,” and proceeds to draw three trees.

“What’s this?” the foreman asks.

“Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make nine,” says the Newfie.

“Fair enough,” says the foreman. “Here is your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99.”

The Newfie stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. “’Ere you go.”

The foreman scratches his head and says, “How on earth do you get that to represent 99?

“Each of da trees is dirty now ! So it’s dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat is 99.”

The foreman is getting worried he’s going to have to hire this fellow, so he says, “All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100.

The Newfie stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree, and says, "Ere you go. One hundred.”

The foreman looks at the attempt. “You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!"

The Newfie leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree, and says, “A little dog come along and crap by each tree. So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which make one hundred… So when I start?”

 

[Warpdrv]

Love my Stihl's - if ya ever have an issue with them - usually after about 10-15 years, just get a replacement carb. She'll be good as new.... $30-50

Good Jokes Gents.... !!!

 

[SwollenRaccoon]

Newfie foreman needs to hire somebody, so he decides on a few easy questions, figuring he'll be able to hire the first guy he talks to.

Felix walks in, and the foreman asks him, "How many days of the week start with the letter "T"?

Felix answers, "Two". Foreman says, "That's right". Felix says, "Ya, "today" and "tomorrow".

"Well, OK, I guess that's correct." says the foreman. "Here's another....How many seconds in a year?" Felix ponders, takes about 5 minutes, and comes up with his answer.

"Twelve" Felix says. "January second, February second......"

Foreman says, "Gee, I guess you're right, but that's not what I meant". He needs a man bad, so come up with a question he feels can't be answered wrong.

"Felix, how many "D"s in "Dixie?"

Felix thinks for about 15 minutes, then says "Two hundred and forty-eight".

Foreman says, "How the hell did you get that number?"

Felix says, "You know that song. Dee-dee-deet-deet-dee, dee-dee dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-deet-dee".........(Said to the tune of the song "Dixie)

Sorry for that one....

 

[Redfish Hunter]

That settles it. Newfoundland is definitely off the list of places I need to visit.

 

[ionbeam]

That settles it. Newfoundland is definitely off the list of places I need to visit.

We might welcome a Newfie that ended up owning a FJR at an FJR event, no matter what miss-guided path led them to a FJR; if nothing else, as a joker at the get-together. Heck, the EOM Forumites which sample a lot of really good distillations in mason jars will make a Newfie look brilliant. Plus my wayward pillion has a knack for finding the mason jars in the back areas and returns to our room as an incapacitated, drooling, but smiling, slurring and happy EOM participant. We may just leave a little late for the following day's ride.

There is a lot of nice riding in Newfoundland (in some places) and you would find the more densely populated towns with more than 15 people to be very friendly and willing to share their fish with you