Plagiarised from another website..............................

[Donal]

- A photon checks into a hotel and the porter asks him if he has any luggage. The photon replies, ” No, I’m travelling light.”

- A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers, and says, “Five beers please.”

- How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A fish.

- When I heard that oxygen and magnesium had hooked up, I was like, OMg.

- What do you call two crows on a branch? Attempted murder.

- Never trust an atom. They make up everything.

- How many programmers does it take to change a lightbulb? None. It’s a hardware problem.

- A student travelling on a train looks up and sees Einstein sitting next to him. Excited, he asks, “Excuse me professor, does Boston stop at this train?”

 

[ionbeam]

If you still have a groan or two left, here are some more:

-“Is it solipsistic in here, or is it just me?”

-Two behaviourists meet in the street. One says to the other, “You’re fine. How am I?”

-Why are quantum physicists terrible in bed? Because when they can find the position, they can’t find the momentum, and when they have the momentum, they can’t find the position.

-Why didn’t the quantum particle cross the road? It was already on both sides.

-A woman comes home to find her husband, who is a string theorist, in bed with another woman. “Wait, honey,” he exclaims, “I can explain everything.”

-What does a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac spend most of his time doing? Staying up all night wondering if there really is a dog.

- Pavlov is enjoying a pint in the pub. The phone rings. He jumps up and shouts: “Hell, I forgot to feed the dog!”

-The barman says: “We don’t serve faster-than-light particles here.” A tachyon enters a bar.

- A Buddhist monk approaches a hotdog stand and says: “Make me one with everything”.

-Werner Heisenberg, Kurt Gödel, and Noam Chomsky walk into a bar. Heisenberg turns to the other two and says: “Clearly this is a joke, but how can we figure out if it’s funny or not?” Gödel replies: “We can’t know that because we’re inside the joke.” Chomsky says: “Of course it’s funny. You’re just telling it wrong.”

-Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero? He’s 0K now.

-Jean-Paul Sartre is sitting at a French café, revising his draft of Being and Nothingness. He says to the waitress: “I’d like a cup of coffee, please, with no cream.” The waitress replies: “I’m sorry, Monsieur, but we’re out of cream. How about with no milk?”

- A programmer’s wife tells him: “Run to the store and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen.” The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.

(For $1 I'll explain 'em, for $10 I won't

)

 

[mcatrophy]

...

-The barman says: “We don’t serve faster-than-light particles here.” A tachyon enters a bar.

...

This one gets my vote, even if you didn't ask.

 

[airboss]

Very enlightening......

I learned how to spell plagiarized.

 

[ionbeam]

Very enlightening...I learned how to spell plagiarized.

Better 'n the OP :lol:

 

[RossKean]

(Bad) physics jokes. Hard to believe how far we have lowered our standards. Trouble is, I understood all of them and even smiled a couple of times!

 

[Spud]

You'll need to explain most of these to the kleptomaniacs on here because they always take things literally.

 

[Old Guy]

A programmer’s wife tells him: “Run to the store and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen.” The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.

I made my living for several years as a programmer. I thoroughly enjoyed this one

 

[Fred W]

Plagiarism

Did you know that there are now software packages that will digest a written piece of work and analyze it for the degree of plagiarism? That willo keep those writing students out of the Dean's office, eh?

I've always felt that "Plagiarism is the sincerest form of flattery." (yes, I just plagiarized that, mostly because I have no f'ing idea who first said, or wrote, it)

Personally, I found this one to be humorous:

-Jean-Paul Sartre is sitting at a French café, revising his draft of Being and Nothingness. He says to the waitress: “I’d like a cup of coffee, please, with no cream.” The waitress replies: “I’m sorry, Monsieur, but we’re out of cream. How about with no milk?” - Anon

 

[bluesdog]

- A Buddhist monk approaches a hotdog stand and says: “Make me one with everything”.

--

The hotdog vendor assembles the treat, and the monk pays with a $20

After a few moments, the monk asks for his change

The vendor replies, "As you know, change must come from within".

 

[kawabeemer]

What really scares me is that I understood most of these on first read; but I can't remember why I put down my tools, washed the grease off my hands, and went upstairs!

 

[Surly]