beemerdons
Certifiable Old Fart
Little “day brightners”.....from Eire!
A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his
priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'
The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'
The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but
then I stopped.'
The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in.
You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail
Mary's and put $50 in the poor box.'
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then
walked over to the poor box.
He paused for a moment and then started to leave.
The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I
saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!'
The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and
according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'
Baptising An Irishman
An Irish man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he
comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river.
The drunk proceeds into the water, subsequently bumping into the
preacher.
The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of
alcohol, whereupon, he asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?"
The drunk shouts, "Yes, oi am."
So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water.
He pulls him back and asks, "Brother, have you found Jesus?"
The drunk replies, "No, oi haven't found Jesus!"
The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him again but for a
little longer.
He again pulls him out of the water and asks, "Have you found Jesus,
me brother?"
The drunk answers, "No, oi haven't found Jesus!"
By this time, the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk
again -- but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds, and when
he begins kicking his arms and legs about, he pulls him up.
The preacher again asks the drunk, "For the love of God, have you
found Jesus?"
(get ready for this.....)
The drunk staggers upright, wipes his eyes, coughs up a bit of water,
catches his breath, and says to the preacher,
"Are you sure this is where he fell in"?
Lemon Squeeze
There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon
entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I
have sinned.'
The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'
The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made passionate love
to me seven times.'
The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven
lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.'
The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'
The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.'
Looks of Disappointment
A man was just waking up from anaesthesia after surgery, and his
wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said,
'You're beautiful.' Then he fell asleep again.
His wife had never heard him say that before, so she stayed by his
side. A few minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said,
'You're cute..' The wife was
disappointed because instead of
'beautiful,' it was now 'cute.'
She asked, 'What happened to beautiful?'
The man replied, 'The drugs are wearing off.'
Catholic Dog
Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog
for company.. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish
priest and asked, 'Father, my dog is dead... Could ya' be saying' a
mass for the poor creature?'
Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services
for an animal in the church.... But there are some Baptists down
the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll
do something for the creature.'
Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is
enough to donate to them for the service?'
Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't
ya tell me the dog was Catholic?
Donation
Father O'Malley answers the phone. 'Hello, is this Father O'Malley?'
'It is!'
'This is the IRS. Can you help us?'
'I can!'
'Do you know a Ted Houlihan?'
'I do!'
'Is he a member of your congregation?'
'He is!'
'Did he donate $10,000 to the church?'
'He will.'
The Next Three Jokes are for Niehart!
Confession
An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following
conversation ensues:
Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70
years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren.
Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitch-hiking.
We went to a motel, where I had sex
with each of them three times.'
Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'
Man: 'What sins?'
Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'
Man: 'I'm Jewish.'
Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'
Man: 'I'm 92 years old ..... I'm telling everybody!'
Brothel Trip
An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would
like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the
ancient man and asks how old he is.
'I'm 90 years old,' he says.
'90!' replies the woman. 'Don't you realize you've had it?'
'Oh, sorry,' says the old man. 'How much do I owe you?'
Senility
An elderly man went to his doctor and said, 'Doc, I think I'm
getting senile.. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.'
'That's not senility,' replied the doctor. 'Senility is when you
forget to zip down.'
Pest Control
A woman was having a passionate affair with an Irish inspector from
a pest-control company.. One afternoon they were carrying on in the
bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.
'Quick,' said the woman to the lover, 'into the closet!' and she
pushed him in the closet, stark naked.
The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the
bedroom discovered the man in the closet..
'Who are you?' he asked him..
'I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone,' said the exterminator.
'What are you doing in there?' the husband asked..
'I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths,' the
man replied.
'And where are your clothes?' asked the husband.
The man looked down at himself and said, 'Those little bastards!'..
Marriage Humour
Wife: 'What are you doing?'
Husband: Nothing.
Wife: 'Nothing...? You've been reading our marriagecertificatefor
an hour.'
Husband: 'I was looking for the expiration date.'
-------------------------------
Wife : 'Do you want dinner?'
Husband: 'Sure! What are my choices?'
Wife: 'Yes or no.'
--------------------------------------------------------
Stress Reliever
Girl: 'When we get married, I want to share all your worries,
troubles and lighten your burden.'
Boy: 'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have
any worries or troubles.'
Girl: 'We ll that's because we aren't married yet.'
------------------------------
Son: 'Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told
me to give up my seat to a lady.'
Mom: 'Well, you have done the right thing.'
Son: 'But mom, I was sitting on daddy's lap.'
________________________________
A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if
my father hadn't left me a fortune?'
'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO
MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!'
------------------------------------------------------------
A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty
face or my sexy body?'
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense
of humour!'
Husbands are husbands
A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round
the head with a frying pan.
'What was that for?' the man asked.
The wife replied 'That was for the piece of paper with the name
Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket'..
The man then said 'When I was at the races last week Jenny was the
name of the horse I bet on' the wife apologized and went on with
the housework...
Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on
the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious.
Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again.
Wife replied.. 'Your horse phoned'
Let us pray....................
A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his
priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'
The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'
The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but
then I stopped.'
The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in.
You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail
Mary's and put $50 in the poor box.'
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then
walked over to the poor box.
He paused for a moment and then started to leave.
The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I
saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!'
The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and
according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'
Baptising An Irishman
An Irish man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he
comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river.
The drunk proceeds into the water, subsequently bumping into the
preacher.
The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of
alcohol, whereupon, he asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?"
The drunk shouts, "Yes, oi am."
So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water.
He pulls him back and asks, "Brother, have you found Jesus?"
The drunk replies, "No, oi haven't found Jesus!"
The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him again but for a
little longer.
He again pulls him out of the water and asks, "Have you found Jesus,
me brother?"
The drunk answers, "No, oi haven't found Jesus!"
By this time, the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk
again -- but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds, and when
he begins kicking his arms and legs about, he pulls him up.
The preacher again asks the drunk, "For the love of God, have you
found Jesus?"
(get ready for this.....)
The drunk staggers upright, wipes his eyes, coughs up a bit of water,
catches his breath, and says to the preacher,
"Are you sure this is where he fell in"?
Lemon Squeeze
There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon
entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I
have sinned.'
The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'
The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made passionate love
to me seven times.'
The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven
lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.'
The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'
The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.'
Looks of Disappointment
A man was just waking up from anaesthesia after surgery, and his
wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said,
'You're beautiful.' Then he fell asleep again.
His wife had never heard him say that before, so she stayed by his
side. A few minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said,
'You're cute..' The wife was
disappointed because instead of
'beautiful,' it was now 'cute.'
She asked, 'What happened to beautiful?'
The man replied, 'The drugs are wearing off.'
Catholic Dog
Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog
for company.. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish
priest and asked, 'Father, my dog is dead... Could ya' be saying' a
mass for the poor creature?'
Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services
for an animal in the church.... But there are some Baptists down
the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll
do something for the creature.'
Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is
enough to donate to them for the service?'
Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't
ya tell me the dog was Catholic?
Donation
Father O'Malley answers the phone. 'Hello, is this Father O'Malley?'
'It is!'
'This is the IRS. Can you help us?'
'I can!'
'Do you know a Ted Houlihan?'
'I do!'
'Is he a member of your congregation?'
'He is!'
'Did he donate $10,000 to the church?'
'He will.'
The Next Three Jokes are for Niehart!
Confession
An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following
conversation ensues:
Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70
years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren.
Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitch-hiking.
We went to a motel, where I had sex
with each of them three times.'
Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'
Man: 'What sins?'
Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'
Man: 'I'm Jewish.'
Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'
Man: 'I'm 92 years old ..... I'm telling everybody!'
Brothel Trip
An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would
like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the
ancient man and asks how old he is.
'I'm 90 years old,' he says.
'90!' replies the woman. 'Don't you realize you've had it?'
'Oh, sorry,' says the old man. 'How much do I owe you?'
Senility
An elderly man went to his doctor and said, 'Doc, I think I'm
getting senile.. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.'
'That's not senility,' replied the doctor. 'Senility is when you
forget to zip down.'
Pest Control
A woman was having a passionate affair with an Irish inspector from
a pest-control company.. One afternoon they were carrying on in the
bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.
'Quick,' said the woman to the lover, 'into the closet!' and she
pushed him in the closet, stark naked.
The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the
bedroom discovered the man in the closet..
'Who are you?' he asked him..
'I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone,' said the exterminator.
'What are you doing in there?' the husband asked..
'I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths,' the
man replied.
'And where are your clothes?' asked the husband.
The man looked down at himself and said, 'Those little bastards!'..
Marriage Humour
Wife: 'What are you doing?'
Husband: Nothing.
Wife: 'Nothing...? You've been reading our marriagecertificatefor
an hour.'
Husband: 'I was looking for the expiration date.'
-------------------------------
Wife : 'Do you want dinner?'
Husband: 'Sure! What are my choices?'
Wife: 'Yes or no.'
--------------------------------------------------------
Stress Reliever
Girl: 'When we get married, I want to share all your worries,
troubles and lighten your burden.'
Boy: 'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have
any worries or troubles.'
Girl: 'We ll that's because we aren't married yet.'
------------------------------
Son: 'Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told
me to give up my seat to a lady.'
Mom: 'Well, you have done the right thing.'
Son: 'But mom, I was sitting on daddy's lap.'
________________________________
A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if
my father hadn't left me a fortune?'
'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO
MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!'
------------------------------------------------------------
A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty
face or my sexy body?'
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense
of humour!'
Husbands are husbands
A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round
the head with a frying pan.
'What was that for?' the man asked.
The wife replied 'That was for the piece of paper with the name
Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket'..
The man then said 'When I was at the races last week Jenny was the
name of the horse I bet on' the wife apologized and went on with
the housework...
Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on
the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious.
Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again.
Wife replied.. 'Your horse phoned'
Let us pray....................
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