beemerdons
Certifiable Old Fart
Lena called the airlines information desk and inquired, "How long does
it take
to fly from Copenhagen to Frederikshavn?"
"Just a minute," said the busy clerk.
"Vell, said Lena, "If it has to go dat fast, I tink I'll just take da
bus.."
***
The judge had just awarded a divorce to Lena , who had charged
non-support. He
said to Ole, "I have decided to give your wife $400 a month for support."
"Vell, dat's fine, Judge," said Ole. "And vunce in a while I'll try to
chip in a
few bucks, myself."
***
Lars asked Ole, "Do ya know da difference between a Dane and a canoe?"
"No, I don't," said Ole
"A canoe will sometimes tip," explained Lars.
***
Ole is so cheap that after his airplane landed safely he grumbled,
"Vell, dere
gose five dollars down da drain for dat flight insurance!"
***
Lars: "Ole, stant in front of my car and tell me if da turn signals are
working."
Ole: "Yes, No, Yes, No, Yes, No, Yes, No...."
***
Ole died. So Lena went to the local paper to put a notice in the
obituaries. The
gentleman at the counter, after offering his condolences, asked Lena
what she
would like to say about Ole.
Lena replied, "You yust put 'Ole died."
The gentleman, somewhat perplexed, said, "That's it? Just 'Ole died'?
Surely,
there must be something more you'd like to say about Ole. If it's money
you're
concerned about, the first five words are free. We must say something
more."
So Lena pondered for a few minutes and finally said, "OK. You put 'Ole
died.
Boat for sale.'"
***
Ole and Lars were on their very first train ride. They had brought along
bananas
for lunch. Just as they began to peel them, the train entered a long, dark
tunnel.
"Have you eaten your banana yet," Ole asked excitedly?
"No," replied Lars..
"Vell, don't touch it den," Ole exclaimed. "I yust took vun bite and vent
blind!"
***
Ole bought Lena a piano for her birthday. A few weeks later, Lars
inquired how
she was doing with it.
"Oh," said Ole, "I persuaded her to svitch to a clarinet.."
"How come," asked Lars?
"Vell," Ole answered, "because vith a clarinet she can't sing."
***
Ole and Lena went to the Olympics.
While sitting on a bench a lady turned to Ole and said, "Are you a pole
vaulter?"
Ole said, "No, I'm Danish and my name isn't Valter."
***
Ole was arrested one night while walking bare naked down the streets of the
little town of Elbow Lake , Minnesota .
The policeman, who was good friend of Ole's, said, "Ole...What in the
world are
you doing? Where are your clothes? You're naked."
"Yah, I know," said Ole. "You see, I vas over to dat 'playboy' Sven's
for his
birthday party. Dere vas about 28 of us. Der vas boys and girls."
"Is that right?", his policeman friend asked.
"Yah, Yah, anyvay, dat Sven, he says, 'Everybody get into the bedroom!'
So vee
all go into the bedroom....den he yells, 'Everybody git naked!' "Vel,
vee all
got undressed. Den he yells, Everybody go to town!' "
"Oh, my!", exclaimed the policeman.
"Yah, Yah. I guess I'm the first one here".
***
To those in North Dakota , Minnesota , and for that matter the rest of the
country, including Canada , I must report the sad news that Ole was
shot. He was
up by the Canadian border on his 4-wheeler cutting some trees when some
rangers
looking for terrorists spotted him.
According to the news reports, the rangers shouted to him over a
loudspeaker,
"Who are you and what are you doing?"
Ole shouted back, "OLE..... BIN LOGGIN'!"
it take
to fly from Copenhagen to Frederikshavn?"
"Just a minute," said the busy clerk.
"Vell, said Lena, "If it has to go dat fast, I tink I'll just take da
bus.."
***
The judge had just awarded a divorce to Lena , who had charged
non-support. He
said to Ole, "I have decided to give your wife $400 a month for support."
"Vell, dat's fine, Judge," said Ole. "And vunce in a while I'll try to
chip in a
few bucks, myself."
***
Lars asked Ole, "Do ya know da difference between a Dane and a canoe?"
"No, I don't," said Ole
"A canoe will sometimes tip," explained Lars.
***
Ole is so cheap that after his airplane landed safely he grumbled,
"Vell, dere
gose five dollars down da drain for dat flight insurance!"
***
Lars: "Ole, stant in front of my car and tell me if da turn signals are
working."
Ole: "Yes, No, Yes, No, Yes, No, Yes, No...."
***
Ole died. So Lena went to the local paper to put a notice in the
obituaries. The
gentleman at the counter, after offering his condolences, asked Lena
what she
would like to say about Ole.
Lena replied, "You yust put 'Ole died."
The gentleman, somewhat perplexed, said, "That's it? Just 'Ole died'?
Surely,
there must be something more you'd like to say about Ole. If it's money
you're
concerned about, the first five words are free. We must say something
more."
So Lena pondered for a few minutes and finally said, "OK. You put 'Ole
died.
Boat for sale.'"
***
Ole and Lars were on their very first train ride. They had brought along
bananas
for lunch. Just as they began to peel them, the train entered a long, dark
tunnel.
"Have you eaten your banana yet," Ole asked excitedly?
"No," replied Lars..
"Vell, don't touch it den," Ole exclaimed. "I yust took vun bite and vent
blind!"
***
Ole bought Lena a piano for her birthday. A few weeks later, Lars
inquired how
she was doing with it.
"Oh," said Ole, "I persuaded her to svitch to a clarinet.."
"How come," asked Lars?
"Vell," Ole answered, "because vith a clarinet she can't sing."
***
Ole and Lena went to the Olympics.
While sitting on a bench a lady turned to Ole and said, "Are you a pole
vaulter?"
Ole said, "No, I'm Danish and my name isn't Valter."
***
Ole was arrested one night while walking bare naked down the streets of the
little town of Elbow Lake , Minnesota .
The policeman, who was good friend of Ole's, said, "Ole...What in the
world are
you doing? Where are your clothes? You're naked."
"Yah, I know," said Ole. "You see, I vas over to dat 'playboy' Sven's
for his
birthday party. Dere vas about 28 of us. Der vas boys and girls."
"Is that right?", his policeman friend asked.
"Yah, Yah, anyvay, dat Sven, he says, 'Everybody get into the bedroom!'
So vee
all go into the bedroom....den he yells, 'Everybody git naked!' "Vel,
vee all
got undressed. Den he yells, Everybody go to town!' "
"Oh, my!", exclaimed the policeman.
"Yah, Yah. I guess I'm the first one here".
***
To those in North Dakota , Minnesota , and for that matter the rest of the
country, including Canada , I must report the sad news that Ole was
shot. He was
up by the Canadian border on his 4-wheeler cutting some trees when some
rangers
looking for terrorists spotted him.
According to the news reports, the rangers shouted to him over a
loudspeaker,
"Who are you and what are you doing?"
Ole shouted back, "OLE..... BIN LOGGIN'!"
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