beemerdons
Certifiable Old Fart
Irish Jokes for St. Patrick's Day featuring ShinyPartsUp, ScooterActivist and Old Michael!
Old Michael - Mick and Paddy were walking in Covent Garden in London. It was their first week in the capital and they were a bit naïve.
'Lord above Paddy, this is a great city,' says Mick.
'Why's that Mick?' responds Paddy.
'Well, to be sure,' explains Mick, 'where else in the world would a complete stranger come up to you, make idle chat, invite you to dinner and then offer you to spend the night at their house?'
'Begorrah, ' splutters Paddy, 'did that happen to you?'
'No,' says Mick, 'but it happens to my beautiful sister all the time.'
Two Irish mothers, Kate and Lorna were talking about their sons.
Kate says, 'My Patrick is such a saint. He works hard, doesn't smoke, and he hasn't so much as looked at a woman in over two years.'
Lorna responds, 'Well, my Michael-SPU is a saint himself. Not only hasn't he not looked at a woman in over three years, but he hasn't touched a drop of liquor in all that time.'
'My word,' says Kate, 'You must be so proud.'
'I am,' announces Lorna, 'And when he's paroled next month, I'm going to throw him a big party.'
Kieran O'Connor always slept with his gun under his pillow. Hearing a noise at the foot of the bed, he shot off his big toe.
'Thank the Lord I wasn't sleeping at the other end of the bed,' Kieran said to his friends in Donegal's pub. 'I would have blown my head off.'
Donncha and McNamara are preparing to be blasted into space and have just left the mission briefing when one turns to the other and says, 'Mac, where are we goin?'
McNamara replies, 'Well Donncha, the man in charge said we are on a mission to the sun.'
'OK,' says Donncha, he thinks for a while and then asks, 'Won't it be a bit hot, it being the sun and all?'
'Don't be stupid, Donncha,' says McNamara, 'the man said we'd be going at night.'
A ventriloquist is telling Irish jokes in Davy Byrne's pub in Grafton Street, Dublin, when, O'Keeffe, an irate Irishman stands up shouting, 'You're making out we're all dumb and stupid. I oughtta punch you in the nose.'
'I'm sorry sir, I...........'
'Not you,' says O'Keeffe, 'I'm talking to that little fella on your knee.'
ScooterActivist Paddy Was driving his lorry when he saw a bridge with a sign saying 10 foot max. headroom. He slowed down wondering if he could drive under it or not , 'A shure I'll give it a go, he thought only to find that his lorry got stuck underneath it.
Paddy sat back in his seat, poured out a cup of tea and lit a cigarette. A policeman arrived a short time later and knocked on the cab door which Paddy then opened, 'what do you think you are doing? asked the policeman in a sharp tone, 'Sure I'm having me tea break, replied Paddy, 'And what do you work at? asked the policeman, 'Agh shure I deliver bridges,! Smiled ScooterActivist Paddy!
1st Irish Farmer: My cow fell down a hole and I had to shoot it.
2nd Irish Farmer: Did you shoot it in the hole?
First Irish Farmer: No, in the head.
An Irishman, by the name of McNamara proposed to his girl on St. Patrick's Day. He gave her a ring with a synthetic diamond. The excited young lass showed it to her father, a jeweller. He took one look at it and saw it wasn't real.
The young lass on learning it wasn't real returned to her future husband. She protested vehemently about his cheapness.
'It was in honour of St. Patrick's Day, 'he smiled.
'I gave you a sham rock.'
O'Keeffe was leaving his favourite bar when he was run over by a bus. He gets to the gates of heaven and St. Peter tells him he cannot enter unless he passes a test. What choice did he have, O'Keeffe agrees to try as he never was the brightest bulb in the box. St. Peter decides to go easy on him, 'What has 5 fingers and is made of black leather?' he asks. O'Keeffe scratches his head, thinks hard and finally gives up. 'It's a glove says St. Peter.'
Let's try again. 'What has 10 fingers and is made of black leather?' asks St. Peter. O'Keeffe is clearly stumped. After a few minutes of pacing in a circle and scratching his head, O'Keeffe gives up. 'Why it's 2 gloves - don't you see 10 fingers, black leather, says St. Peter amazed.' Being in a generous mood, St. Peter decides to give O'Keeffe yet another chance but thinking of an even easier question.
'Who is the patron Saint of Ireland?' asks St. Peter, thinking he can't miss this.
'It wouldn't be 3-gloves, would it?' says O'Keeffe.
Two Irishmen had just won $5,000,000 in a lottery. Having a pint in a pub Old Michael say to Sean, what about all them beggin letters, Old Michael replies, we'll just keep sending them.
The local District Judge had given the defendant a lecture on the evils of drink. But in view of the fact that this was the first time the man had been drunk and incapable, the case was dismissed on payment of ten shillings costs. "Now don't let me ever see your face again," said the Justice sternly as the defendant turned to go. "I'm afraid I can't promise that, sir," said the released man. "And why not?" Because I'm the barman at your regular pub!
'I had an accident opening a can of alphabeti spaghetti this morning,' said McNamara.
'Were you injured?' inquired Seamus.
'No, but it could have spelled disaster,' concluded McNamara.
A young Irishman sat at a pub in the New World drinking beer and conversin' with the barkeep. Another comes in and sits besides him. He says how you do and hears the lilt and says you be Irish? Yes I am. The first man yells barkeep give us another round and one for my friend here he's from the mother country as well. The second man asks-so where in the old country ye from. Dublin responds the first. Dublin you say - so am I and the second man hollers barkeep bring us another round and a shot of your best Irish Whiskey for me and my friend here. Afterwards the first man asks from where in Dublin and the second man responds with the street and the first man says well I'll be - so am I and yells barkeep another pair of beers and Irish Whiskey for the pair of us. The phone behind the bar rings and the barkeep answers it. The owner of the pub asks - how is business. The barkeep responds - not too bad - The McNamara twins are here getting drunk again.
Old Michael - Mick and Paddy were walking in Covent Garden in London. It was their first week in the capital and they were a bit naïve.
'Lord above Paddy, this is a great city,' says Mick.
'Why's that Mick?' responds Paddy.
'Well, to be sure,' explains Mick, 'where else in the world would a complete stranger come up to you, make idle chat, invite you to dinner and then offer you to spend the night at their house?'
'Begorrah, ' splutters Paddy, 'did that happen to you?'
'No,' says Mick, 'but it happens to my beautiful sister all the time.'
Two Irish mothers, Kate and Lorna were talking about their sons.
Kate says, 'My Patrick is such a saint. He works hard, doesn't smoke, and he hasn't so much as looked at a woman in over two years.'
Lorna responds, 'Well, my Michael-SPU is a saint himself. Not only hasn't he not looked at a woman in over three years, but he hasn't touched a drop of liquor in all that time.'
'My word,' says Kate, 'You must be so proud.'
'I am,' announces Lorna, 'And when he's paroled next month, I'm going to throw him a big party.'
Kieran O'Connor always slept with his gun under his pillow. Hearing a noise at the foot of the bed, he shot off his big toe.
'Thank the Lord I wasn't sleeping at the other end of the bed,' Kieran said to his friends in Donegal's pub. 'I would have blown my head off.'
Donncha and McNamara are preparing to be blasted into space and have just left the mission briefing when one turns to the other and says, 'Mac, where are we goin?'
McNamara replies, 'Well Donncha, the man in charge said we are on a mission to the sun.'
'OK,' says Donncha, he thinks for a while and then asks, 'Won't it be a bit hot, it being the sun and all?'
'Don't be stupid, Donncha,' says McNamara, 'the man said we'd be going at night.'
A ventriloquist is telling Irish jokes in Davy Byrne's pub in Grafton Street, Dublin, when, O'Keeffe, an irate Irishman stands up shouting, 'You're making out we're all dumb and stupid. I oughtta punch you in the nose.'
'I'm sorry sir, I...........'
'Not you,' says O'Keeffe, 'I'm talking to that little fella on your knee.'
ScooterActivist Paddy Was driving his lorry when he saw a bridge with a sign saying 10 foot max. headroom. He slowed down wondering if he could drive under it or not , 'A shure I'll give it a go, he thought only to find that his lorry got stuck underneath it.
Paddy sat back in his seat, poured out a cup of tea and lit a cigarette. A policeman arrived a short time later and knocked on the cab door which Paddy then opened, 'what do you think you are doing? asked the policeman in a sharp tone, 'Sure I'm having me tea break, replied Paddy, 'And what do you work at? asked the policeman, 'Agh shure I deliver bridges,! Smiled ScooterActivist Paddy!
1st Irish Farmer: My cow fell down a hole and I had to shoot it.
2nd Irish Farmer: Did you shoot it in the hole?
First Irish Farmer: No, in the head.
An Irishman, by the name of McNamara proposed to his girl on St. Patrick's Day. He gave her a ring with a synthetic diamond. The excited young lass showed it to her father, a jeweller. He took one look at it and saw it wasn't real.
The young lass on learning it wasn't real returned to her future husband. She protested vehemently about his cheapness.
'It was in honour of St. Patrick's Day, 'he smiled.
'I gave you a sham rock.'
O'Keeffe was leaving his favourite bar when he was run over by a bus. He gets to the gates of heaven and St. Peter tells him he cannot enter unless he passes a test. What choice did he have, O'Keeffe agrees to try as he never was the brightest bulb in the box. St. Peter decides to go easy on him, 'What has 5 fingers and is made of black leather?' he asks. O'Keeffe scratches his head, thinks hard and finally gives up. 'It's a glove says St. Peter.'
Let's try again. 'What has 10 fingers and is made of black leather?' asks St. Peter. O'Keeffe is clearly stumped. After a few minutes of pacing in a circle and scratching his head, O'Keeffe gives up. 'Why it's 2 gloves - don't you see 10 fingers, black leather, says St. Peter amazed.' Being in a generous mood, St. Peter decides to give O'Keeffe yet another chance but thinking of an even easier question.
'Who is the patron Saint of Ireland?' asks St. Peter, thinking he can't miss this.
'It wouldn't be 3-gloves, would it?' says O'Keeffe.
Two Irishmen had just won $5,000,000 in a lottery. Having a pint in a pub Old Michael say to Sean, what about all them beggin letters, Old Michael replies, we'll just keep sending them.
The local District Judge had given the defendant a lecture on the evils of drink. But in view of the fact that this was the first time the man had been drunk and incapable, the case was dismissed on payment of ten shillings costs. "Now don't let me ever see your face again," said the Justice sternly as the defendant turned to go. "I'm afraid I can't promise that, sir," said the released man. "And why not?" Because I'm the barman at your regular pub!
'I had an accident opening a can of alphabeti spaghetti this morning,' said McNamara.
'Were you injured?' inquired Seamus.
'No, but it could have spelled disaster,' concluded McNamara.
A young Irishman sat at a pub in the New World drinking beer and conversin' with the barkeep. Another comes in and sits besides him. He says how you do and hears the lilt and says you be Irish? Yes I am. The first man yells barkeep give us another round and one for my friend here he's from the mother country as well. The second man asks-so where in the old country ye from. Dublin responds the first. Dublin you say - so am I and the second man hollers barkeep bring us another round and a shot of your best Irish Whiskey for me and my friend here. Afterwards the first man asks from where in Dublin and the second man responds with the street and the first man says well I'll be - so am I and yells barkeep another pair of beers and Irish Whiskey for the pair of us. The phone behind the bar rings and the barkeep answers it. The owner of the pub asks - how is business. The barkeep responds - not too bad - The McNamara twins are here getting drunk again.
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