teerex51
The Italian Scallion
SOCIAL SECURITY ***
Two women were talking.
So, how's your *** life?"
"Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security ***."
"Social Security ***?"
"Yeah, you know: I get a little each month, barely enough to live on!"
LOUD ***
A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem, doctor.
Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this ear splitting yell."
"My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is."
"The problem is," she complained, "It wakes me up!"
QUIET ***
Tired of a listless *** life, the man came right out and asked his wife during a recent lovemaking session,
"How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?"
She glanced at him casually and replied, "You're never home!"
CONFOUNDED ***
A man was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood" was mangled and torn from his body.
His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood,but that his insurance wouldn't
cover the surgery since it was considered cosmetic.
The doctor said the cost would be $3,500 for small, $6,500 for medium, $14,000 for large.
The man was sure he would want a medium or large,but the doctor urged him to talk it over with
his wife before he made any decision. The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options.
The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking dejected.
"Well, what have the two of you decided?" asked the doctor.The man answered,"She'd rather
remodel the kitchen".
WEDDING ANNIVERSARY ***
A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary.
The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads:
'Here Lies My Wife -Cold As Ever'."
"Yeah," she replies, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads:
Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last."
WOMEN'S HUMOR
My husband came home with a tube of K Y jelly and said,"This will make you happy tonight."
He was right. When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted it all over the doorknobs.
He couldn't get back in.
SENIOR WISDOM ON ***
One night an 87 yr old woman came home from Bingo to find her 92 yr old husband in bed with
another woman.
She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor assisted living apartment
killing him instantly.
Brought before the court on charge of murder, the judge asked her if she had anything to say in her defense.
She began coolly, Yes Sir, your honor, I figured that at 92, if he could have ***...he could also fly!
Two women were talking.
So, how's your *** life?"
"Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security ***."
"Social Security ***?"
"Yeah, you know: I get a little each month, barely enough to live on!"
LOUD ***
A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem, doctor.
Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this ear splitting yell."
"My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is."
"The problem is," she complained, "It wakes me up!"
QUIET ***
Tired of a listless *** life, the man came right out and asked his wife during a recent lovemaking session,
"How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?"
She glanced at him casually and replied, "You're never home!"
CONFOUNDED ***
A man was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood" was mangled and torn from his body.
His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood,but that his insurance wouldn't
cover the surgery since it was considered cosmetic.
The doctor said the cost would be $3,500 for small, $6,500 for medium, $14,000 for large.
The man was sure he would want a medium or large,but the doctor urged him to talk it over with
his wife before he made any decision. The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options.
The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking dejected.
"Well, what have the two of you decided?" asked the doctor.The man answered,"She'd rather
remodel the kitchen".
WEDDING ANNIVERSARY ***
A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary.
The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads:
'Here Lies My Wife -Cold As Ever'."
"Yeah," she replies, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads:
Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last."
WOMEN'S HUMOR
My husband came home with a tube of K Y jelly and said,"This will make you happy tonight."
He was right. When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted it all over the doorknobs.
He couldn't get back in.
SENIOR WISDOM ON ***
One night an 87 yr old woman came home from Bingo to find her 92 yr old husband in bed with
another woman.
She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor assisted living apartment
killing him instantly.
Brought before the court on charge of murder, the judge asked her if she had anything to say in her defense.
She began coolly, Yes Sir, your honor, I figured that at 92, if he could have ***...he could also fly!
