Australia Tourism - FAQs

[Tyler]

These were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a great sense of humour (not to mention a low tolerance threshold for cretins!)

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Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? (UK).

A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

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Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? ( USA )

A: Depends how much you've been drinking.

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Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? ( Sweden)

A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.

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Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia ? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay ? ( UK)

A: What did your last slave die of?

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Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia ? ( USA )

A: A-Fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe .

Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not

... Oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.

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Q: Which direction is North in Australia ? (USA )

A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

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Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia ? ( UK )

A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do...

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Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? ( USA )

A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is

Oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

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Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia ? ( UK )

A: You are a British politician, right?

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Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? ( Germany )

A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers.

Milk is illegal.

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Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can Dispense rattlesnake serum. ( USA )

A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from.

All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.

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Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia , but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA )

A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

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Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia ? (USA)

A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

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Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia ? (France )

A: Only at Christmas.

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Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? ( USA )

A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first

 

[Rogue]

:lol2: :lol2: :lol2: :lol2:

 

[FJR Steve]

yep...pretty indicative of the tolerance level for stupid questions "down here".

Always puts a smile on my face.

 

[LDRydr]

Question: When you flush the toilet (loo?) does the water spin clockwise or counter-clockwise?

Question: Did you ever find that Wolf (Wolfe) Creek murderer that was killing vistitors to your place-out-back? If not I don't want to come visit.

Question: Is it really true that Qantas is the only commercial airline that hasn't had an accident? If not I don't want to come visit.

Question: Have you eradicated those killer invisible jellyfish I've heard are swimming about on all your beaches? If not I don't want to come visit.

 

[BlackCherry]

That is hilarious!

I had an email about Quantus airlines that was also hilarious but I can't find it. I remember a couple of the Q & A's though. It seems that when the Quantus pilots get back from a flight they enter any mechanical problems in a logbook for the mechanics to look into while the plane is grounded. After each entry the mechanic enters what he did to fix the problem. Here are a couple that I remember.

P (Pilot): There is a knocking sound that sounds like a midget with a hammer is banging on the panel.

M (Mechanic): Took hammer away from midget.

P: Engine #3 is missing

M: Engine found on left wing

It went on and on and had me :rofl:

Yeah you guys are pretty funny in Australia.

By the way, I always ask women if they like Australian Kisses. To which they ask "what are Australian kisses?" so I tell them "they are just like French kisses, only down under".

 

[FJR Steve]

Question: When you flush the toilet (loo?) does the water spin clockwise or counter-clockwise? Who cares...as long as it disappears!
Question: Did you ever find that Wolf (Wolfe) Creek murderer that was killing vistitors to your place-out-back? If not I don't want to come visit. I've watched the DVD many times...he's still out there

Question: Is it really true that Qantas is the only commercial airline that hasn't had an accident? If not I don't want to come visit. You Americans want everything for the price of a ticket, don't you?

Question: Have you eradicated those killer invisible jellyfish I've heard are swimming about on all your beaches? If not I don't want to come visit. No...they are now killing the Drop Bears and making them a rare and endangered species. The jellyfish are moving in on Kings Cross. Some say they have been spotted right after the Hippo Races and before the Vienna Boys Choir perform...which really puts the boys off their singing. You won't be touched by the jellyfish if you come naked.

 

[Tyler]

I had an email about Quantus airlines that was also hilarious but I can't find it.

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet,"

which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics

correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots

review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor.

Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded by maintenance engineers (marked with an S).

By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an

accident. Enjoy!

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.

S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.

S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Some thing loose in cockpit.

S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.

S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.

S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.

S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.

S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.

S: That's what they're for.

P: IFF inoperative.

S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.

S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.

S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.

S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.

S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.

S: Cat installed.

And the best one for last.................

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.

S: Took hammer away from midget.

 

[BlackCherry]

I had an email about Quantus airlines that was also hilarious but I can't find it.

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet,"

which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics

correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots

review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor.

Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded by maintenance engineers (marked with an S).

By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an

accident. Enjoy!

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.

S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.

S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Some thing loose in cockpit.

S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.

S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.

S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.

S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.

S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.

S: That's what they're for.

P: IFF inoperative.

S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.

S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.

S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.

S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.

S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.

S: Cat installed.

And the best one for last.................

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.

S: Took hammer away from midget.

:rofl:

Yup, that's the one, thanks!!!!

At least I remembered a couple of them accurately!

 

[Rogue]

I had an email about Quantus airlines that was also hilarious but I can't find it.

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet,"

which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics

correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots

review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor.

Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded by maintenance engineers (marked with an S).

By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an

accident. Enjoy!

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.

S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.

S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Some thing loose in cockpit.

S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.

S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.

S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.

S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.

S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.

S: That's what they're for.

P: IFF inoperative.

S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.

S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.

S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.

S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.

S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.

S: Cat installed.

And the best one for last.................

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.

S: Took hammer away from midget.

Hell! Who does Quantas shoot at, The other airlines?

When my dad sent me this years ago it was from an air force mechanic.

 

[TestPilot]

Tyler, it sure does me good seeing you posting and making us smile. You might recall (might not, that's OK) that I corresponded with you earlier in the year asking if you would have the facility to store my 'stateside FJR which we (my wife and I) use for 'stateside touring. It was during this period you said you'd be away for a while on a ride and we could continue the discussion when you return. That ride took you away longer than any of us liked.

I kept up with how you were going through CaringBridge (what a great facility that is, and what great work your 'updaters' did), and cheered every bit of progress. I didn't want to chime in with my trip details at that time, but now that you are having fun with us Aussies it is time to share the trip.

I'll be in touch by PM or email, but suffice to say in this thread hijack that you have a great country, we met many awesome people, and people like you (your touring particularly) inspired us. You go girl, and let's smile and laught together at the quirks of our compatriots.

Cheers,

David

Details of our trip are here. Not really complete, but just written as we rode: https://www.fjrowners.ws/phpbb2/viewtopic.php?t=6259

 

[Tyler]

Tyler, it sure does me good seeing you posting and making us smile. You might recall (might not, that's OK) that I corresponded with you earlier in the year asking if you would have the facility to store my 'stateside FJR which we (my wife and I) use for 'stateside touring.

Ah yes, David, thank you for jogging my memory. I'm glad that you were able to make the trip happen (I'll go peruse your link shortly) and I'm sorry that the events this summer prevented our getting together and making a deal... perhaps in the future it will still be a possibility (I still have garage space if you need it!). Wishing you and your wife the best!!

 

[SacramentoMike]

". . . By the way, I always ask women if they like Australian Kisses. To which they ask "what are Australian kisses?" so I tell them "they are just like French kisses, only down under".

How's that work for you?

 

[Silver Penguin]

Hilarious! So good to have you back, Tyler.