feejer222
Well-known member
You might have seen this before. Just unearthed it from my 'funnies' file and it made me laugh again.
Dear Cretins,
I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2001, when I signed up for your 3-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem,
and telephone. During this three-month period I have encountered inadequacy of service which I had not previously
considered possible, as well as ignorance and stupidity of monolithic proportions. Please allow me to provide
specific details, so that you can either pursue your professional prerogative, and seek to rectify these
difficulties - or more likely (I suspect) so that you can have some entertaining reading material as you while away the
working day smoking B&H and drinking vendor-coffee on the bog in your office:
My initial installation was cancelled without warning, resulting in my spending an entire Saturday sitting on my fat arse
waiting for your technician to arrive. When he did not arrive, I spent a further 57 minutes listening to your infuriating
hold music, and the even more annoying Scottish robot woman telling me to look at your helpful website....HOW?
I alleviated the boredom by playing with my testicles for a few minutes-an activity at which you are no-doubt both
familiar and highly adept. The rescheduled installation then took place some two weeks later, although the technician
did forget to bring a number of vital tools - such as a drill-bit, and his cerebrum. Two weeks later, my cable modem had
still not arrived. After 15 telephone calls over 4 weeks my modem arrived... six weeks after I had requested it, and begun
to pay for it.
I estimate your internet server's downtime is roughly 35%... hours between about 6pm -midnight, Mon-Fri, and most of the
weekend. I am still waiting for my telephone connection. I have made 9 calls on my mobile to your no-help line, and have
been unhelpfully transferred to a variety of disinterested individuals, who are it seems also highly skilled bollock
jugglers. I have been informed that a telephone line is available (and someone will call me back); that no telephone
line is available (and someone will call me back); that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a
telephone line is available (and then been cut off); that I will be transferred to someone (and then been redirected
to an answer machine informing me that your office is closed); that I will be transferred to someone and then been
redirected to the irritating Scottish robot woman...and several other variations on this theme. Doubtless you are no
longer reading this letter, as you have at least a thousand other dissatisfied customers to ignore, and also another
one of those crucially important testicle-moments to attend to.
Frankly I don't care, it's far more satisfying as a customer to voice my frustration's in print than to shout them at your
unending hold music. Forgive me, therefore, if I continue. I thought BT were ****, that they had attained the holy
piss-pot of godawful customer relations, that no-one, anywhere, ever, could be more disinterested, less helpful or
more obstructive to delivering service to their customers. That's why I chose NTL, and because, well, there isn't anyone
else is there? How surprised I therefore was, when I discovered to my considerable dissatisfaction and disappointment what
a useless shower of bastards you truly are. You are sputum-filled pieces of distended rectum incompetents of the highest
order. British Telecom - ******s though they are - shine like brilliant beacons of success, in the filthy puss-filled
mire of your seemingly limitless inadequacy. Suffice to say that I have now given up on my futile and foolhardy quest to
receive any kind of service from you. I suggest that you cease any potential future attempts to extort payment from me
for the services which you have so pointedly and catastrophically failed to deliver - any such activity will be greeted
initially with hilarity and disbelief quickly be replaced by derision, and even perhaps bemused rage. I enclose two small
deposits, selected with great care from my cats litter tray, as an expression of my utter and complete contempt for both
you and your pointless company. I sincerely hope that they have not become desiccated during transit - they were
satisfyingly moist at the time of posting, and I would feel considerable disappointment if you did not experience both
their rich aroma and delicate texture. Consider them the very embodiment of my feelings towards NTL, and its worthless
employees. Have a nice day - may it be the last in you miserable short life, you irritatingly incompetent and
infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of twats.
John
Dear Cretins,
I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2001, when I signed up for your 3-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem,
and telephone. During this three-month period I have encountered inadequacy of service which I had not previously
considered possible, as well as ignorance and stupidity of monolithic proportions. Please allow me to provide
specific details, so that you can either pursue your professional prerogative, and seek to rectify these
difficulties - or more likely (I suspect) so that you can have some entertaining reading material as you while away the
working day smoking B&H and drinking vendor-coffee on the bog in your office:
My initial installation was cancelled without warning, resulting in my spending an entire Saturday sitting on my fat arse
waiting for your technician to arrive. When he did not arrive, I spent a further 57 minutes listening to your infuriating
hold music, and the even more annoying Scottish robot woman telling me to look at your helpful website....HOW?
I alleviated the boredom by playing with my testicles for a few minutes-an activity at which you are no-doubt both
familiar and highly adept. The rescheduled installation then took place some two weeks later, although the technician
did forget to bring a number of vital tools - such as a drill-bit, and his cerebrum. Two weeks later, my cable modem had
still not arrived. After 15 telephone calls over 4 weeks my modem arrived... six weeks after I had requested it, and begun
to pay for it.
I estimate your internet server's downtime is roughly 35%... hours between about 6pm -midnight, Mon-Fri, and most of the
weekend. I am still waiting for my telephone connection. I have made 9 calls on my mobile to your no-help line, and have
been unhelpfully transferred to a variety of disinterested individuals, who are it seems also highly skilled bollock
jugglers. I have been informed that a telephone line is available (and someone will call me back); that no telephone
line is available (and someone will call me back); that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a
telephone line is available (and then been cut off); that I will be transferred to someone (and then been redirected
to an answer machine informing me that your office is closed); that I will be transferred to someone and then been
redirected to the irritating Scottish robot woman...and several other variations on this theme. Doubtless you are no
longer reading this letter, as you have at least a thousand other dissatisfied customers to ignore, and also another
one of those crucially important testicle-moments to attend to.
Frankly I don't care, it's far more satisfying as a customer to voice my frustration's in print than to shout them at your
unending hold music. Forgive me, therefore, if I continue. I thought BT were ****, that they had attained the holy
piss-pot of godawful customer relations, that no-one, anywhere, ever, could be more disinterested, less helpful or
more obstructive to delivering service to their customers. That's why I chose NTL, and because, well, there isn't anyone
else is there? How surprised I therefore was, when I discovered to my considerable dissatisfaction and disappointment what
a useless shower of bastards you truly are. You are sputum-filled pieces of distended rectum incompetents of the highest
order. British Telecom - ******s though they are - shine like brilliant beacons of success, in the filthy puss-filled
mire of your seemingly limitless inadequacy. Suffice to say that I have now given up on my futile and foolhardy quest to
receive any kind of service from you. I suggest that you cease any potential future attempts to extort payment from me
for the services which you have so pointedly and catastrophically failed to deliver - any such activity will be greeted
initially with hilarity and disbelief quickly be replaced by derision, and even perhaps bemused rage. I enclose two small
deposits, selected with great care from my cats litter tray, as an expression of my utter and complete contempt for both
you and your pointless company. I sincerely hope that they have not become desiccated during transit - they were
satisfyingly moist at the time of posting, and I would feel considerable disappointment if you did not experience both
their rich aroma and delicate texture. Consider them the very embodiment of my feelings towards NTL, and its worthless
employees. Have a nice day - may it be the last in you miserable short life, you irritatingly incompetent and
infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of twats.
John
