EMBARRASSING MEDICAL EXAMS

[dcarver]

EMBARRASSING MEDICAL EXAMS

1. A man comes into the ER and yells . . .'My wife's going to have her baby in the cab.'

I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress and began to take off her underwear.

Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs - - - and I was in the wrong one.

Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald,
San Francisco

2. At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall.

'Big breaths,’ I instructed.

'Yes, they used to be,’ Replied the patient.

Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes,
Seattle, WA

3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a 'massive internal fart.'

Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg

4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications.

'Which one?’ I asked.

'The patch.'

'The Nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!'

I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see.

Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body!

Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.

Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair,
Norfolk, VA

5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked,
'How long have you been bedridden?'

After a look of complete confusion she answered,' Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive.'

Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson,
Corvallis, OR

6. I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while checking up on a man I asked . . .' So how's your breakfast this morning?'

'It's very good except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste,' Bob replied.

I then asked to see the jelly and Bob produced a foil packet labeled 'KY Jelly.'

Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf,
Detroit

7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery.

When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green
and above it there was a Tattoo that read . . .' Keep off the grass.'

Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, Which said, 'Sorry . . . Had to mow the lawn.'

Submitted by RN no name,

AND FINALLY!!

8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB, I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams.
To cover my embarrassment I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly.

The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing, further embarrassing me.

I looked up from my work and sheepishly said . . ..

' I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?'

She replied with tears running down her cheeks from laughing so hard . . ..

' No doctor but the song you were whistling was, ' I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener.'

Dr. Wouldn't submit his name....

1 MORE
Baby's First Doctor Visit

This made me laugh out loud. I hope it will give you a smile!

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.

The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.

'Breast-fed,' she replied.

'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered.

She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.

Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, 'No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk.'

'I know,' she said, 'I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came.'

 

[lnewlf]

 

[rbentnail]

During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “Where should I put my pants?"

“Over there by mine,” was not the answer I was expecting.

 

[FJRay]

During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “Where should I put my pants?"
“Over there by mine,” was not the answer I was expecting.

And then you discover he has Both hands on your shoulders.

 

[gregory]

The Brokeback mural should have tipped you off.......

 

[SwollenRaccoon]

A couple of true stories of my now-retired doctor. He was also my wife's doctor, and my wife was a barber, and he was one of her customers.

1) I had one previous appointment with, I'll call him Doctor Tom, and was unimpressed. He seemed bland and boring. Second appointment I had with him, I had a full physical. We get to the "bend over" portion of the exam, and I assume the position as he's putting on a glove and jellying up a finger. He says, "This isn't going to hurt ME a bit".

2) After the digital intrusion, as I'm getting my pants back on, he says "An active prostate is a healthy prostate". Trying to be witty, I say "OK, so can you write me a prescription?" "No way" he says, "Your wife cuts my hair".

3) At work, some period of time later, I mention these stories to a coworker. He says, "I go to Doctor Tom, too!" My coworker wasn't obese, but had a medium build with a decent-sized potbelly. He was in to see Doctor Tom for a physical, and is asked to strip to his shorts. Doctor Tom tells my buddy, as he's pointing at the now-exposed beer gut, "If that's spare *****, you're in great shape".

Too bad he's retired. He was a hoot.