gregory
Great things are afoot
> Actual exchanges between pilots and control towers! No, I'm not
> kidding when I say that!
>
> Enjoy!
>
>
> Tower: 'Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!'
> Delta 351: 'Give us another hint! We have digital watches!'
>
> ----------------------------------------------------------------------
> -----------
>
> Tower: 'TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees.'
> TWA 2341: 'Centre, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we
> make up here?'
> Tower: 'Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits
> a 727?'
>
> ----------------------------------------------------------------------
> ---------------------
>
> From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: 'I'm
> f...ing bored!'
> Ground Traffic Control: 'Last aircraft transmitting, identify
> yourself immediately!'
> Unknown aircraft: 'I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!'
>
> ----------------------------------------------------------------------
> ------------------------------------------
>
> O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: 'United 329 heavy, your traffic
> is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound.'
> United 329: 'Approach, I've always wanted to say this...I've got
> the little Fokker in sight.'
>
> ----------------------------------------------------------------------
> -----------------------------------------
>
> A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While
> attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, 'What was
> your last known position?'
> Student: 'When I was number one for takeoff.'
>
> ----------------------------------------------------------------------
> -----------------------------------------
>
> A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long
> roll out after touching down.
> San Jose Tower Noted: 'American 751, make a hard right turn at the
> end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the
> Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and
> return to the airport.'
>
> ----------------------------------------------------------------------
> ------------------------------------------
>
> A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich ,
> overheard the following:
>
> Lufthansa (in German): ' Ground, what is our start clearance time?'
> Ground (in English): 'If you want an answer you must speak in
> English.'
> Lufthansa (in English): 'I am a German, flying a German airplane,
> in Germany. Why must I speak English?' Unknown voice from another
> plane (in a beautiful British accent): 'Because you lost the bloody
> war!'
>
> ----------------------------------------------------------------------
> -------------------------------------------
>
> Tower: 'Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on
> frequency 124.7'
> Eastern 702: 'Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the
> way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far
> end of the runway'
>
> Tower: 'Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702,
> contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from
> Eastern 702?'
> BR Continental 635: 'Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger;
> and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers.'
>
> ----------------------------------------------------------------------
> --------------------------------------------
>
> One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold
> short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed,
> rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some
> quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said,
> 'What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?'
> The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back
> with a real zinger: 'I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing
> like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one.'
>
> ----------------------------------------------------------------------
> --------------------------------------------
>
> The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a
> short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate
> parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from
> them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened
> to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a
> British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.
>
> Speedbird 206: ' Frankfurt , Speedbird 206! clear of active runway.'
> Ground: 'Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven.'
> The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
>
> Ground: 'Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?'
> Speedbird 206: 'Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location
> now.'
> Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): 'Speedbird 206, have you
> not been to Frankfurt before?'
> Speedbird 206 (coolly): 'Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, --
> And I didn't land.'
>
> ----------------------------------------------------------------------
> -----------------------------------------
>
> While taxiing at London 's Airport, the crew of a US Air flight
> departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to
> nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed
> out at the USAir crew, screaming: 'US Air 2771, where the hell are
> you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You
> turned right on Delta! Stop right there I know it's difficult for
> you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!'
>
> Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting
> hysterically: 'God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take
> forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till
> I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in
> about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you,
> when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?'
>
> 'Yes, ma'am,' the humbled crew responded.
>
> Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell
> terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody
> wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her
> current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick
> was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the
> silence and keyed his microphone, asking: 'Wasn't I married to you
> kidding when I say that!
>
> Enjoy!
>
>
> Tower: 'Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!'
> Delta 351: 'Give us another hint! We have digital watches!'
>
> ----------------------------------------------------------------------
> -----------
>
> Tower: 'TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees.'
> TWA 2341: 'Centre, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we
> make up here?'
> Tower: 'Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits
> a 727?'
>
> ----------------------------------------------------------------------
> ---------------------
>
> From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: 'I'm
> f...ing bored!'
> Ground Traffic Control: 'Last aircraft transmitting, identify
> yourself immediately!'
> Unknown aircraft: 'I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!'
>
> ----------------------------------------------------------------------
> ------------------------------------------
>
> O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: 'United 329 heavy, your traffic
> is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound.'
> United 329: 'Approach, I've always wanted to say this...I've got
> the little Fokker in sight.'
>
> ----------------------------------------------------------------------
> -----------------------------------------
>
> A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While
> attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, 'What was
> your last known position?'
> Student: 'When I was number one for takeoff.'
>
> ----------------------------------------------------------------------
> -----------------------------------------
>
> A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long
> roll out after touching down.
> San Jose Tower Noted: 'American 751, make a hard right turn at the
> end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the
> Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and
> return to the airport.'
>
> ----------------------------------------------------------------------
> ------------------------------------------
>
> A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich ,
> overheard the following:
>
> Lufthansa (in German): ' Ground, what is our start clearance time?'
> Ground (in English): 'If you want an answer you must speak in
> English.'
> Lufthansa (in English): 'I am a German, flying a German airplane,
> in Germany. Why must I speak English?' Unknown voice from another
> plane (in a beautiful British accent): 'Because you lost the bloody
> war!'
>
> ----------------------------------------------------------------------
> -------------------------------------------
>
> Tower: 'Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on
> frequency 124.7'
> Eastern 702: 'Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the
> way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far
> end of the runway'
>
> Tower: 'Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702,
> contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from
> Eastern 702?'
> BR Continental 635: 'Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger;
> and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers.'
>
> ----------------------------------------------------------------------
> --------------------------------------------
>
> One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold
> short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed,
> rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some
> quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said,
> 'What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?'
> The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back
> with a real zinger: 'I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing
> like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one.'
>
> ----------------------------------------------------------------------
> --------------------------------------------
>
> The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a
> short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate
> parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from
> them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened
> to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a
> British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.
>
> Speedbird 206: ' Frankfurt , Speedbird 206! clear of active runway.'
> Ground: 'Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven.'
> The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
>
> Ground: 'Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?'
> Speedbird 206: 'Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location
> now.'
> Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): 'Speedbird 206, have you
> not been to Frankfurt before?'
> Speedbird 206 (coolly): 'Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, --
> And I didn't land.'
>
> ----------------------------------------------------------------------
> -----------------------------------------
>
> While taxiing at London 's Airport, the crew of a US Air flight
> departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to
> nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed
> out at the USAir crew, screaming: 'US Air 2771, where the hell are
> you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You
> turned right on Delta! Stop right there I know it's difficult for
> you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!'
>
> Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting
> hysterically: 'God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take
> forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till
> I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in
> about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you,
> when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?'
>
> 'Yes, ma'am,' the humbled crew responded.
>
> Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell
> terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody
> wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her
> current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick
> was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the
> silence and keyed his microphone, asking: 'Wasn't I married to you
