I just found out my best friend in Hih School is a bum?

[dcarver]

Having read and said what I did,it is worthwhile to reach out to him, cautiously, eyes open,and don't expose your family to risk. Just let him know you care, and should he decide to turn it around, you will do what you can. And do we know he's a crack head? Many homeless are not. I don't envy your situation at all - good luck.

 

[ShinyPartsUp]

Speaking as a professional who deals with these issues daily (which means I am hesitant to sweep broad brush strokes of advice since every person is different), I wish to offer some hope other than what some posters are offering. So a few thoughts other than be very careful (good advice):

If he is a veteran the VA has new and better programs at some VA's for substance abuse, homelessness, etc., that are more integrated and successful in their approach.

Involve the family, even if the answer is they don't want to be involved: you won't end up stepping on toes or re-inventing the wheel as to what doesn't work for your friend.

I personally have seen dozens of men and women who were given up on that suddenly change. Yes, even heroin addicts with 50+ detox programs under their belt and methamphetamine addicts with no teeth and brain damage. They generally don't become model citizen's, but may straighten up enough with treatment and luck to live in a group home or Oxford House, etc.

A steady income with a legal payee is vital -- so the checks are written for housing or necessities and not junk for their arm or nose. Looking into Medicaid eligibility, pensions, SSDI, etc. might be a way you could help -- but he needs a payee if he gets $$$.

I suggest at some point he will reach bottom (believe me that living under a bridge isn't necessarily the worst that can happen), and try to make sure he has a way to contact you when that day comes. My recommendation is that NOT be your home address or home phone number.

Hard as it is, try not to be condescending, judge mental or angry at him. If you want to help him, your history with this man (as opposed to your boyhood friend that is gone) begins at this point. Treat him with humanity tempered by some firm love and reasonable and achievable expectations. Everything begins with sobriety, but some assets like good friends, money, advocates etc. make sobriety more likely.

Protect your heart and assets and find help and advice where you can. The system is set to help those that want it AND have advocates for them. There just aren't enough resources to go around.

Best of luck...

 

[2006FJR]

Speaking as a professional who deals with these issues daily (which means I am hesitant to sweep broad brush strokes of advice since every person is different), I wish to offer some hope other than what some posters are offering. So a few thoughts other than be very careful (good advice):

If he is a veteran the VA has new and better programs at some VA's for substance abuse, homelessness, etc., that are more integrated and successful in their approach.

Involve the family, even if the answer is they don't want to be involved: you won't end up stepping on toes or re-inventing the wheel as to what doesn't work for your friend.

I personally have seen dozens of men and women who were given up on that suddenly change. Yes, even heroin addicts with 50+ detox programs under their belt and methamphetamine addicts with no teeth and brain damage. They generally don't become model citizen's, but may straighten up enough with treatment and luck to live in a group home or Oxford House, etc.

A steady income with a legal payee is vital -- so the checks are written for housing or necessities and not junk for their arm or nose. Looking into Medicaid eligibility, pensions, SSDI, etc. might be a way you could help -- but he needs a payee if he gets $$$.

I suggest at some point he will reach bottom (believe me that living under a bridge isn't necessarily the worst that can happen), and try to make sure he has a way to contact you when that day comes. My recommendation is that NOT be your home address or home phone number.

Hard as it is, try not to be condescending, judge mental or angry at him. If you want to help him, your history with this man (as opposed to your boyhood friend that is gone) begins at this point. Treat him with humanity tempered by some firm love and reasonable and achievable expectations. Everything begins with sobriety, but some assets like good friends, money, advocates etc. make sobriety more likely.

Protect your heart and assets and find help and advice where you can. The system is set to help those that want it AND have advocates for them. There just aren't enough resources to go around.

Best of luck...

Thank you for sharing ShinyPartsUp! I especially like your comments regarding, "A steady income with a legal payee is vital -- so the checks are written for housing or necessities and not junk for their arm or nose. Looking into Medicaid eligibility, pensions, SSDI, etc. might be a way you could help -- but he needs a payee if he gets $$$." This is an actionable item I can discuss with his sisters. The family wants to help but does not seem to know what to do and worst case scenario is that we all kick in $300 a month (that would give us about $2100 a month) to the cause until Mike gets things going.. This of course is all contingent on him wanting to make the real changes necessary to regain his life once again.

 

[Checkswrecks]

We've got a few of both the drugged and plain homeless folks here in our Nation's Capitol. (Too many of both.) With commuting into the city, I have gotten to know a few who live around where I park. So, modifying what I wrote and taking Shiny's thoughts to mind, you might start simply. Bring a couple of plain sandwiches and drinks to have with the guy and talk old times to break the ice. Make it a weekly "how's it going" if it goes well.

But be ready for him to ask for a buck, because he will. I'm flat out honest when they ask for change. I usually have a couple of McDonald's dollar gift certificates in my 'Stitch for people really just down on their luck. The most I tell the druggies flat out is that I'll get them something to eat off the hot dog wagon (it's between the bike and office) but won't take money from my family to pay for them to get wasted. I have had to buy hot dogs a number of times over the years and at this point the hot dog lady knows what's coming when she me walking toward her with a new "friend." Most won't take me up on the hot dog and will just argue why I should give to them. I've heard (a couple yelling in my face):

"You ain't no friend to nobody, you ****."

"F-g do-gooder think you're gonna be doing right by God helping me with this little bit." (McD gift certificate.)

"You gonna find your pretty motorbike kicked over." (Too much foot traffic, so I'm not too worried. I wait'd till that one shuffled off though.)

About that point all you can do is walk away for the day, then smile the next time you see them like nothing happened. We are both going to be there again in the same place, so it's a crazy existence but I'm in their home. They do learn quick who's good for a sandwich, who is good for a smile & nod, and who to not hit up.

A last thought: I've never gotten into a physical tangle but it has come close at least once or twice over more than 20 years of working in DC. One "went away" for a period of months after groping a female cop. <_< The difference is that I'm dealing with strangers who happen to stay near where I park and I can put a person on the ground. You're dealing with this one person you have a past connection to. Don't even THINK to go behind the bridge pylon, where his "friends" are or away from where other people can see you.

 

[redtail]

Pretty good advise from Shiny and others. I've got a lot of experience in this arena, having been on both sides of the fence. It's true that most won't make it back but you can never tell which ones. I've been clean and sober for 25 years. Couldn't tell you why I made when others don't.

When it comes meth it's really rough. Cash just goes to the next high, as well as any thing that can be sold. So, it's usually food to be offered. Depending on how sick he is he might not be able to eat right away, so bring him something that won't spoil right away. Once you get an idea of his size, get him some clean (second hand) clothes.

As mentioned before, if he can, he'll take advantage of you. Won't be able to help himself until he's clean for some time. So I'll re-iterate keeping yourself at a safe distance is very important.

One rule we follow is to not go alone. If he shows any interest in getting help, there are many "open" (meaning anyone can attend) meetings of AA or NA where you could meet up with him. He probably knows all about them but sometimes a friend (with a sandwich) can make a lot of difference.

I'd be happy to help if I can. I'm a few hours north but if you can find him I'd be willing to come with you and try to help gauge his situation.

You just never know when the window opens, even if you just plant a seed that will grow down the road.

 

[wheatonFJR]

Wow...this thread has really been a sobering eye-opener.

 

[2006FJR]

Wow...this thread has really been a sobering eye-opener.

Amen brother. I had no idea how common this was and is.. Some amazing people here.

 

[GalaxyBlue]

I am somewhat of a soft heart.

I have seen homeless from all over this country, And it is saddening to know one personally. Most of them hit the skids from drugs, Lost family, Lost Job, ect, And you can pretty much tell the career bum apart from someone who has just been extremely unlucky in life. I generally don't put myself in a position where a homeless can corner me for anything, But i do go out of my way for the ones are fighters. You can see it in their eyes.

I have been approached at truck stops all over America... The guys with a gas can and their car with a sign saying "Need Gas", But only want money. I have tried numerous times to fill their gas tank only to find they had Gas.

So, I commend you on your effort to save your friend, But depending on how long he has been on the streets will determine if there is hope left in his heart.

 

[Patriot]

I'll start with a couple of off the cuff comments:

My Mom taught me to share...no one coming to the door asking for a bite to eat left without a sandwhich or three and a plastic bottle or three of lemon aid as long as I knew her.

I often wonder why God gave me such a loving, tolerant wife and kids who take their committment to unconditional love seriously.

Being laid off for the 7th time in 2000, and my selfishness rearing it's ugly head coupled with bipolar/manic depression mental illness roaring in the manic state for 18 months, easily put me in the familyless, pennyless, homeless situation without them. They were patient and stuck it out with me and I owe them everything. It took my wife and her Dad's intervention and threat that separation from my family or getting medical help were my ONLY choices. I had to leave...they weren't going anywhere. Went with them to a recommended psychiatrist 2 days later.

Anyone I experience asking for anything, or looking like they are in need, either get a "can I get you something to eat and drink" or just a side trip to a fast food drive through with a return trip to hand over two combo meals to them.

My CMA group includes personal horror stories of them or others as bikers on drugs who were helped back to society. I let them guide this sheltered life middle class dude (me) along.

I wish you the best and if I was there, I'd be at your side to help in any way I can.

Good on you and may you be blessed with supernatural wisdom and your friend with supernatural peace to take the right road.

This thread produces many emotions including how proud I am to be part of all of you.

best,

Mike

 

[Bounce]

maybe it's that i'm a heartless *******. maybe it's because i've been burned and seen family burned too many times over the past 30+ years from step siblings (2) that are diagnose bi-polar.

in either case, i'd say that, if you've been out of touch so long you didn't know this had happened, it's for the best to remain out of touch. there's a lot to be lost by someone "self medicating" and working "the game". money is the least of your concerns when push comes to shove. i've posted the details of these 2 in other threads. always remember that your family needs you more than he does so come home healthy, and in one piece.

Post #14 says it all. You are NOT a professional rehab center (nor a bank or other lending company). Do NOT let him know where you live or bring him to your house or to meet your family. There's a long hard path ahead of him before he gets to a place of trusted acquaintance. Until then the person you see is NOT the person you remember and WILL play "the game" to the extent he sees fit to get what he wants.

reading the rest of the thread after posting the above just shows to go that there are a lot of people with the same life experiences giving the same warnings.

 

[2006FJR]

maybe it's that i'm a heartless *******. maybe it's because i've been burned and seen family burned too many times over the past 30+ years from step siblings (2) that are diagnose bi-polar.

in either case, i'd say that, if you've been out of touch so long you didn't know this had happened, it's for the best to remain out of touch. there's a lot to be lost by someone "self medicating" and working "the game". money is the least of your concerns when push comes to shove. i've posted the details of these 2 in other threads. always remember that your family needs you more than he does so come home healthy, and in one piece.

Post #14 says it all. You are NOT a professional rehab center (nor a bank or other lending company). Do NOT let him know where you live or bring him to your house or to meet your family. There's a long hard path ahead of him before he gets to a place of trusted acquaintance. Until then the person you see is NOT the person you remember and WILL play "the game" to the extent he sees fit to get what he wants.

reading the rest of the thread after posting the above just shows to go that there are a lot of people with the same life experiences giving the same warnings.

Mike and I were best friends growing up and we were close up to about 6 years ago when he fell off the face of the earth. Another buddy and I agreed that if we find anything out about Mike that we would tell one another. Our biggest fears were that he was dead and he has burned all of the bridges but one and this is the sister that tries to reach out and let him stay with her from time to time. I will not do anything stupid and moving forward will be with the full support of the family in a safe environment. I will not give up on Mike bu I also know it needs to be done on his time and not on mine. He would have done the same for me if the reverse was true.

 

[Joe2Lmaker]

I will not give up on Mike

O.K. then.

Let your education begin. Have you ever heard of Al-Anon? Yeah, it's that group for people who's lives are affected by drinking. Guess what; you just qualified.

I wouldn't bet any money on it, but I believe the group traces it routes to Chapter 8 in AA's Big Book - To Wives. I haven't read it, but I will if you will.

Picture your buddy in quick sand and your arms aren't long enough to both hold on to him and hold on to safety. You need support too. I mean it's great that people here on the forum are following this thread, and offering suggestions. That's a great start. But it's only a start.

Your commitment to your friend will affect you a great deal. You might be surprised how much if affects you.

Also, the part about the Higher Power is an important part. Don't skip that. In fact, pray. Just as you haven't given up on Mike, the Creator hasn't given up on him either. The forum has rules about religion and politics, but I don't think I've crossed a line yet. Redemption is a beautiful thing to witness.

 

[03HiYoSilver]

2006,

My heart goes out to you... there are tooo many stories like this mostly under the radar.

Teach him how to Fish... and limit the number of Fish (No $$-Too easily misdirected) you will give him.

Eventually IF he want to achieve the path of bettering himself starting with baby goals.

Meth addicts Brains are Chemically Rewired and takes a minimum of 6 months (being straight) to slowly get the Brain's Happy Chemicals to start Making them on their own.

Be patient but don't be an Enabler. May the Force be with you....