Irish Jokes in honor of Beemerdon's

[steveoreno]

St. Patrick's Day rapidly approaches and I've seen no mention of it and feel it's only appropriate to start a string of Jokes of dubious origin aimed at honoring Beemerdons. I never had the honor of meeting him but we did share a few jokes back and forth.

The Bagpiper (In his own words)

As a bagpiper I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a gravesite service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be held at a pauper's cemetery in the back country. As I was not familiar with the area I got lost and wandered around for a bit.

I finally found the cemetery but arrived over an hour late and the funeral director and hearse were gone and only the diggers and crew remained and they were eating their lunch.

I felt terrible and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and saw the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what to do but started to play my pipes.

The workers put down their lunches and gathered around. I played out my heart & soul for this man with no family and friends. I played better than I ever had before!

My playing reached a crescendo as I played "Amazing Grace." The workers wept, I wept, we wept together. When I finished I packed up my pipes and headed to my car with my head low but heart full I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothin like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

 

[Panman]

Copied from the Net but make me think of Don.

One night, Mrs McMillen answers the door to see her husbands best friend, Paddy, standing on the doorstep.

"Hello Paddy, but where is my husband? He went with you to the beer factory"

Paddy shook his head. "Ah Mrs McMillen, there was a terrible accident at the beer factory, your husband fell into a vat of Guinness stout and drowned"

Mrs McMillen starts crying. "Oh don't tell me that, did he at least go quickly?"

Paddy shakes his head. "Not really - he got out 3 times to pee!"

JSNS

 

[Hudson]

How do you put a stop to an Irish wedding?

Flush the punch bowl...

 

[Uncle Hud]

Q: How do you blind an Irishman?

A: Put a bottle of Jameson in front of him.

So this Irishman walks out of a bar ...... wait a minute; that never happens.

last one ...

An Irish priest from Boston is driving down to New York. He gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath.

He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"

"Just water," says the priest.

"Then why do I smell wine?"

The priest picks up an empty bottle from the floor and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"

 

[rbentnail]

An Irish man is sitting at a bar drinking.
A flamboyantly gay man comes up to him and asks, "can i give you a ********?"
The Irishman stands up and punches the gay man.
The bartender comes over and asks, "Why did you hit that guy?"
The Irish man replied, "He said somethin about me gettin a job."

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been
run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his
face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp.
"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.
"Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.
"That little ****, O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you,
he must have had something in his hand."
"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible
lickin' he gave me with it."
"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, didn't you
have something in your hand?"
"That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of
beauty it was, but useless in a fight."

I went to the Murphy's pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table. I said, "Nice legs." The girl giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so?" I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."

 

[Tyler]

This one has BD written all over it... :lol:

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just beenrun over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his
face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp.
"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.
"Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.
"That little ****, O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you,
he must have had something in his hand."
"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible
lickin' he gave me with it."
"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, didn't you
have something in your hand?"
"That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of
beauty it was, but useless in a fight."

 

[Bugnatr]

Where does a Irishman go on vacation?

A different pub.

 

[Knifemaker]

Two Irish men leave a Pub and see their friend Sean laying in the gutter.

"Well he's drunk" says Patrick.

"No he isn't" replied Ian, "he moved."

 

[steveoreno]

This is a favorite of Derek Daly, former F1 and Indycar driver (and Dad of Conor of Amazing Race fame), "How do you know if an Irishman is gay? He prefers women over beer."

 

[user 90406]

How many Irishmen does it take to screw in a light bulb? Three, one to hold the bulb and two to drink 'till the room spins.

 

[Niehart]

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night."
She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised me-self. You know, he's only been in there twice in the last four years. Once I had to pull him by the ears to make him come, and the other time he fell asleep."