Mistaken identity, blonde joke, plus more

[HuskyRider]

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says "Hello!".

He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from. So he says, 'Do you know me?'

To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.' Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, 'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?'

She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I'm your son's teacher."

 

[Khunajawdge]

She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I'm your son's teacher."

Yep, unfortunately this stuff happens all the time.

 

[SacramentoMike]

I was afraid you were going to ask me to help with his college tuition.

:dribble:

(edit: This post actually made sense before OP changed the thread title from "I think you're the father of one of my kids.")

 

[HotRodZilla]

Just one more reason to be involved in our children's education. Haha...

 

[jmdaniel]

The thread title should match the joke....

 

[HuskyRider]

An old, blind Marine Gunnery Sergeant wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, Marine, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things;

1. The Bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is a blonde girl with a billy-club.

3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is a blond and a professional weight lifter.

5. The lady to your right is a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, Marine...do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?"

The blind Marine thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, "No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times....."

 

[HuskyRider]

Research shows that there are 7 kinds of sex.

The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex. * This kind of sex happens when You first meet someone, and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.

The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex. * This is when you have been with your lover for a short time,and you are so needy you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.

The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex. This is when you have been with your lover for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine, and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.

The 4th kind of sex is called: Catholic Sex. * Which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night. (Very Popular)

The 5th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex * This is when you have been with your lover for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say 'screw you.'

The 6th kind is called Courtroom Sex. * This is when you cannot stand your wife any more. She takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.

And; Last, but not least, The 7th kind of sex is called: Social Security Sex. You get a little each month, but not enough to enjoy yourself.

 

[HuskyRider]

A guy takes his wife to a disco one Saturday night.

There was a dude on the dance floor giving it everything he had--breakdancing, moonwalking, back flips, the works.

The wife turns to her hubby and says, "See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down."

The hubby says, "Looks like he's still celebrating."

 

[HuskyRider]

"Pills"

The wife told me to go out and get some of those pills that will help me get an erection.

You should have seen her face when I came back and tossed her some diet pills!

I'm looking for a new place to live..

 

[azitlies]

hey these are pretty funny thnx for the laughs

 

[HuskyRider]

TRIP TO ITALY

A young New York woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean, but just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young man stopped her.

"You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor, and we are off to Italy tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy."

With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Italy , the woman accepted. That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the hold. From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches, a bottle of red wine, and make love to her until dawn. Three weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.

"What are you doing here?" asked the captain.

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings me food and I get a free trip to Italy ."

"I see," the captain says.

Her conscience got the best of her and she added, "Plus, he's screwing me."

"He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."

 

[HuskyRider]

A friend told the blonde ( mary-jo), "Christmas is on a Friday this year." The blonde then said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th."

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Two blondes find three grenades, and they decide to take them to a police station. One asked, "What if one grenade explodes before we get there?" The other says, "We'll lie and say we only found two."

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A woman phoned her blonde neighbor and said, "Close your curtains the next time you & your husband are having sex. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday." To which the blonde replied, "Well, the joke's on all of you because I wasn't even at home yesterday."

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A blonde goes to the vet with her goldfish. "I think it's got epilepsy," she tells the vet. The vet takes a look and says, "It seems calm enough to me." The blonde says, "Wait, I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet."

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A blonde spies a letter lying on her doormat. It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND ". She spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.

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A blonde was driving home, drunk as a skunk. Suddenly she has to swerve to avoid a tree, then another, then another. A cop car pulls her over, so she tells the cop about all the trees in the road. The cop says, "That's your air freshener swinging about!"

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A blonde's dog goes missing and she is frantic. Her husband says "Why don't you put an ad in the paper?" She does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing. "What did you put in the paper?" her husband asks. "Here boy!" she replies.

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A blonde man is in jail. Guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet. "Just WHAT are you doing?" he asks. "Hanging myself," the blond guy replies. "It should be around your neck" says the guard. "I tried that," he replies, "but then I couldn't breathe".

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(This one actually makes sense...lol) An Italian tourist asks a blonde, "Why do scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?" To which the blonde replies, "If they fell forward, they'd still be in the boat."