Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.
Well, for example, the other day a friend of mine and I went into town and went into a shop.
We were only in there for about 5 minutes. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.
We went up to him and said, 'Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?'
He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi turd. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires.
So my friend called him a ****-head. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
No worries...was having fun...not our car !!!
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An old geezer friend reports:
We have the standard 6ft. fence in the backyard, and a few months ago,
I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire city. To
make sure this never happened to me; I got an electric fence and ran a
single wire along the top of the fence.
Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for
26 miles of fence. I then used an 8 ft. long ground rod, drove 7.5 feet
into the ground. The ground rod is the key, with the more you have in
the ground, the better the fence works.
One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Wal-Mart 6hp big wheel
push mower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I knew
for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the
wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way.
It seems as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all. Now I'm
standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right hand and the
1.7 giga volt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is
about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down
cow on fire on the cover.
Time stood still. The first thing I notice is my balls trying to climb
up the front side of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel
the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time
that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head.
I was literally at one with the engine. It seems as though the fence
charger and the POS lawnmower were fighting over who would control my
electrical impulses.
Science says you cannot crap, pee, and nut at the same time. I beg to
differ. Not only did I do all three at once but my bowels emptied 3
different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of
bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back
and BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like there
were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together it was
like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand.
At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto
the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can't
let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences... but
Dad always had those POS chargers made by International or whoever that
were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled. This I could not let go of.
The 8 foot long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the
permadamp Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil.
At this point I'm thinking I'm going to have to just man up and take
it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas. 'Damn!' I think, as I remember
I just filled the tank! Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It
has settled into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big
lawnmower race cam in it. Covered in poop, pee, ****, and with my balls
on my chest I think 'Oh God, please die...pleeeeze die'. But nooooo, it
settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a
big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from its
owner's right foot.
So, here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity,
standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not take me
that day, he left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the
misery my own stupidity had created.
I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire....I woke up laying
on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It
was later on in the day and I was sunburned. There were two large dead
grass spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead
spot were the wire had laid while I was on the ground still holding on
to it.
I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had
somehow let go of the wire. Upon waking from my electrically induced
sleep I realized a few things.
1- Three of my teeth seem to have melted.
2- I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek
(not the left, just the right).
3- Poop, pee, and semen when all mixed together, do not smell as bad as
you might think.
4- My left eye will not open.
5- My right eye will not close.
6- The lawnmower runs like a sumnabitch now. Seriously! I think our
little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it
was better than new after that.
7- My balls are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot
long.
8- I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while thinking of
the number 4
(still don't understand this?)
That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things. I
appreciate the little
things more, and now I always double check to make sure the fence is
unplugged before I mow.
The good news is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I
can clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT
gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to
triple check before I mow.
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A monk once walked in to the monastery library, and, to his shock and horror, found the chief researcher banging his head against the wall.
Brother Timothy!! he cried out, Why are you doing that??? What's wrong???
To which poor Brother Timothy, still banging away, answered,
"It said Celebrate!!!
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The Spoiled Under 30 Crowd
If you are 30 or older you will think this is hilarious!!!!
When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were when they were growing up; what with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning ... uphill BOTH ways .. yadda, yadda, yadda
And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it!
But now that...
I'm over the ripe old age of thirty , I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today. You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a damn Utopia!
And I hate to say it but you kids today you don't know how good you've got it!
1. When I was a kid we didn't have The Internet. If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the damn library and look it up ourselves, in the card catalog!!
2. There was no email! ! We had to actually write somebody a letter ... with a pen! Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox and it would take like a week to get there!
3. There were no MP3's or Napsters! You wanted to steal music, you had to hitchhike to the damn record store and shoplift it yourself! Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and the DJ would usually talk over the beginning and @#*% it all up!
4. We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called they got a busy signal, that's it!
5. And we didn't have fancy Caller ID Boxes either! When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your school, your mom, your boss, your bookie, your drug dealer, a collections agent, you just didn't know!!! You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!
6. We didn't have any fancy Sony Playstation video games with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games like ' Space Invaders' and 'asteroids' and the graphics were horrible! Your guy was a little square! You actually had to use your imagination! And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen forever! And you could never win. The game just kept getting harder and harder and faster and faster unt il you died! . Just like LIFE!
7. When you went to the movie theater there no such thing as stadium seating! All the seats were the same height! If a tall guy or some old broad with a hat sat in front of you and you couldn't see, you were just screwed!
8. Sure, we had cable television, but back then that was only like 15 channels and there was no onscreen menu! You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on!
And there was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday Morning. Do you hear what I'm saying!?! We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons!
9. And we didn't have microwaves, if we wanted to heat something up, we had to use the stove or go build a fire ... imagine that! If we wanted popcorn, we had to use that stupid JiffyPop thing or a pan with HOT oil and Real popcorn kernels and shake it all over the stove forever like an idiot.
10. When we were on the phone with our friends and our parents walked-in, we were stuck to the wall with a cord, a 7 foot cord that ran to the phone - not the phone base, the actual phone. We barely had enough length to sit on the floor and still be able to twirl the phone cord in our fingers. If you suddenly had to go to the bathroom - guess what we had to do.....hang up and talk to them later.
That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it too easy. You're spoiled . You guys wouldn't have lasted five minutes back in 1980!
Regards,
The over 30 Crowd
