SIGNS YOU'VE HIRED THE WRONG CLOWN
* By the end of the party, he's got every damn kid doing the "pull my finger" trick.
* Clown car must be started with breathalyzer device.
* Keeps screaming, "My name's not BO-zo, it's bo-ZO!"
* References to Kierkegaard and Nietzsche are lost on most 5-year olds.
* Props for his "disappearing" trick: a moving van and your wide-screen TV.
* Scares the holy hell outta the kids during the "Severed Limb" trick.
* Tells the kids he killed Barney in a blood match in Newark.
* Didn't bring any balloons, but manages to twist your dachshund into other animal shapes.
* Prefaces each trick with, "here's a little number I learned in the joint."
* Not exactly the Peewee Herman impression you were expecting.
* Wears a T-Shirt that says, "Drug-free since March!"
* More interested in squirting seltzer into his Scotch than into his pants.
* Those huge ears look too darn life-like, and the entire act consists of showing charts and complaining about the deficit.
* A sad clown is one thing -- a clown who spends the entire party with a gun to his temple is another thing entirely.
* Only balloon animals he can make are a snake and a "snake on acid."
* Business cards include the phrase "From the Mind of Stephen King..."
* Price list includes "lap dance" and "around the world.
* All the balloon animals are ribbed and lubricated.
* By the end of the party, he's got every damn kid doing the "pull my finger" trick.
* Clown car must be started with breathalyzer device.
* Keeps screaming, "My name's not BO-zo, it's bo-ZO!"
* References to Kierkegaard and Nietzsche are lost on most 5-year olds.
* Props for his "disappearing" trick: a moving van and your wide-screen TV.
* Scares the holy hell outta the kids during the "Severed Limb" trick.
* Tells the kids he killed Barney in a blood match in Newark.
* Didn't bring any balloons, but manages to twist your dachshund into other animal shapes.
* Prefaces each trick with, "here's a little number I learned in the joint."
* Not exactly the Peewee Herman impression you were expecting.
* Wears a T-Shirt that says, "Drug-free since March!"
* More interested in squirting seltzer into his Scotch than into his pants.
* Those huge ears look too darn life-like, and the entire act consists of showing charts and complaining about the deficit.
* A sad clown is one thing -- a clown who spends the entire party with a gun to his temple is another thing entirely.
* Only balloon animals he can make are a snake and a "snake on acid."
* Business cards include the phrase "From the Mind of Stephen King..."
* Price list includes "lap dance" and "around the world.
* All the balloon animals are ribbed and lubricated.
