The Colonoscopy

[ceddec]

Hilarious and very well written...I don't think I'll click on your photobucket link if that's OK.

 

[twowheelnut]

Dude....

Um, that would be 'Dudette', to you, sir.

Thanks, Jill. Really. I mean that. Thanks a bunch. 17,000 feet, you say. Thanks. :blink:

 

[NightShine]

So you guys that got to sleep through your proceedure, consider yourself lucky. I didn't even get a reach around.

Had my a sigmoidoscopy last year for the first time, and during the procedure I was trying to think up zingy one-liners. I'll add this one to my list!

Great stories, Jill and Rambling Man!

 

[dcarver]

This may be the ticket "Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep"

 

[cota95]

As was stated earlier, the worst part is the prep and cleaning out before hand. Get it done if your over 45 or have family history!

 

[Silver Penguin]

This just in!

The Colonoscopy story was forwarded to me by another friend today, giving credit to Dave Barry as the author. It is consistent with his hilarious writing style.

Please, enjoy a chuckle or two but don't let this funny story put you off getting a potentially life saving procedure. Seriously, despite the gross description, the job's worth doing to get the information.

Jill

 

[dabayliner]

Mine was a few years ago and I told them no way I could drink that qty of liquid. They said there was another way to go and it is a small bottle. I think it was called Cituscell or something like that. The doctor said drink it fast and walk to the bathroom without stopping.

He was right and my wife has hated me since. The time it took me to clean the area around the toilet was longer than the time it took to do the procedure. And yes I was asleep and I woke up in a chair fully clothed and my wife hadn't been there....

Is there somthing called Colonoscopy Amnesia....?

Truthfully I don't have any ides what they did and since it wasn't painfull I will do it again when the doc tells me.

"GET'ER DONE"!!

 

[ShinyPartsUp]

Mine was a few years ago and I told them no way I could drink that qty of liquid. They said there was another way to go and it is a small bottle. I think it was called Cituscell or something like that. The doctor said drink it fast and walk to the bathroom without stopping.
He was right and my wife has hated me since. The time it took me to clean the area around the toilet was longer than the time it took to do the procedure. And yes I was asleep and I woke up in a chair fully clothed and my wife hadn't been there....

Is there somthing called Colonoscopy Amnesia....?

Truthfully I don't have any ides what they did and since it wasn't painfull I will do it again when the doc tells me.

"GET'ER DONE"!!

It was the anesthesia.

And nobody has mentioned it, but the KY jelly that leaks out afterward is gross. Plan on a shower ...

 

[VMax_03]

Mine was a few years ago and I told them no way I could drink that qty of liquid. They said there was another way to go and it is a small bottle. I think it was called Cituscell or something like that. The doctor said drink it fast and walk to the bathroom without stopping.
He was right and my wife has hated me since. The time it took me to clean the area around the toilet was longer than the time it took to do the procedure. And yes I was asleep and I woke up in a chair fully clothed and my wife hadn't been there....

Is there somthing called Colonoscopy Amnesia....?

Truthfully I don't have any ides what they did and since it wasn't painfull I will do it again when the doc tells me.

"GET'ER DONE"!!

It was the anesthesia.

And nobody has mentioned it, but the KY jelly that leaks out afterward is gross. Plan on a shower ...

The best part of the procedure was getting the young nurse to "pull my finger" ... she said it was the manliest fart she had ever heard

JW

 

[Kevin Daly]

Not to one up you, but....
Where the writer falls asleep, I was wide awake for the lower GI I had done.

Lying flat on my back in the sadistic gown with my knees bent for easy access, I see the nurse, an attractive woman about 28 plug a small hose about 2/3rds the size of your pinky into a large bag of what looks like plaster of paris and water and she starts mixing. Well that hose doesn't look so bad I think to myself. About that time I see her working with something just out of sight and then looking down between my legs, I see this 8 inch dildo with ribs that look like they were modled after the accrodian style for boots for a 70's MX bike appear. Attached to the end is the innocent hose at a valve.

This thing is dripping KY jelly and I say no ******* way. She says try aand relax, and if you feel like sqeezing, pretend you have to go and push instead. That would prove key at the end of the proceedure. She slowly inserted bubba, as I affectionatley named my anal intruder, up my *** seemingly savoring every millimeter of travel. It went in, and in, and in until it sort of plunged to a rest. I neglected to say that bubba was slightly hourglass shaped to help it stay inserted through the proceedure.

Thinking the worst was over I relaxed. Thats when the nurse starts pumping on something like a bloodpressure cuff inflator and I feel bubba expanding in my ***. Then the fun begins.

I'm wheeled into the xray room where I have to get off of the table I'm on with a dildo up may *** and get on the xray table. They hang the bag of barrium enema sludge on a hanger about three feet abouve me and turn a little knob whcih starts bubba jizzing up my ***. As my colon is filling with this love mud I'm being xrayed live in a room full of people wearing lead aprons and we are all watching the flow of goo up my *** on a screen on the wall.

"you might feel a little pressure" the doctor says as he grabs the bag and gives it a firm squeeze. I feel like my lower intestines are going to burst out of my abdomen, alien style, as he keeps milking the bag and forcing it up my ***. Once the bag is empty I finally start to relax only to hear "we need you to roll on your left side. WTF!!! I have to get my right leg up over the hose and practically sit up with an 8 inch hard plastic ribbed for Satan's pleasure dildo up my ***. I manage the move only to hear "ok now the other side" Jesus Effing Kayrist!!

Once the picture taking was over they make me get back on the other table and wheel me out. They put the bag on the floor, open the valve and I feel the pressure start to subside as the bag starts to reclaim the barium goo. Once the bag stops filling, the pressure is released on bubba and I feel my sphincter srink a little. The nurse says she is going to pull bubba from my *** and not to worry if anything squirts out, which I hadn't even considered and was now deathly afraid of happening. As she is pulling bubba out I think I feel it's to the point where it's ready to slip out and instead of relaxing or pushing I squeeze down right on the ribs from hell. yoink-yoink-yoink-yoink-yoink-yoink-yoink! Plop! My whole body shook as each of those ribs made its exit. I did not however, spill a drop.

I made some stupid remark about how in some cultures we were now married and got cleaned up and left.

All that for nothing. nothing except the memory and a great story to tell.

So you guys that got to sleep through your proceedure, consider yourself lucky. I didn't even get a reach around.

Now thats ****** funny! At least for us to read :rofl:

 

[Silver Penguin]

Is there somthing called Colonoscopy Amnesia....?

Yes. It's a wonderful drug called Versed (aka Midazolam) which has amnestic properties. You may remember the nurse saying that he/she was going to put something into your IV, then the next memory you have is when the procedure is all over. I've had patients ask me if we were going to get started soon, when their particular procedure had been completed half an hour earlier.

Jill

 

[Scab]

Truthfully I don't have any ides what they did and since it wasn't painfull I will do it again when the doc tells me.

Now, that sounds like you enjoyed it.

Eeewwwww.

 

[Barabus]

I had a boss in the 90's that claims he enjoyed the lower colonoscopy and probably got a hard-on during the procedure.

 

[Scab]

Double eeewwwwww.

 

[BrunDog]

This thread is some funny ****.

-BD

 

[thegunslinger]

Hi, my name is Thegunslinger and I'm a Go-Lytely junkie.

The nurse that briefed me about the procedure warned that the magic elixer in the big plastic jug caused volcanic eruptions. My dog started barking at the bathroom door when the first thunderclap went off. Sounded a lot like a "Jake brake" on a Kenworth.

Then just before the procedure I made some wisecrack about the Dr. performing the procedure being Greek, (which he is) and saying how he ought to pay me for enabling his favorite pastime. He was cool, he just winked and said nighty night. :blink:

 

[Scab]

Then just before the procedure I made some wisecrack about the Dr. performing the procedure being Greek, (which he is) and saying how he ought to pay me for enabling his favorite pastime. He was cool, he just winked and said nighty night. :blink:

I had a similar experience. But, then I got paroled.