FJR_pig
Bud Light Real Man of Genius
> >We've all had trouble with our animals, but I don't think anyone can top
> >this one:
> > Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate
> >my excuse, I always get the feeling that my boss thinks I'm lying.
> > On one recent occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway, because the
> >truth was just too darned humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had
> >sustained a head injury, and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next
> >day. By then, I reasoned, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage
> >on the top of my head. The accident occurred mainly because I had given in
> >to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty.
> >Initially, the new acquisition was no problem.
> >Then one morning, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my
> >wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen.
> > "Honey! The garbage disposal is dead again. Please come reset it."
> > "You know where the button is,"! I protested through the shower
> >pitter-patter and steam.? "Reset it yourself!"
> > "But I'm scared!" she persisted. "What if it starts going and sucks me
> >in?"
> > There was a meaningful pause and then, "C'mon, it'll only take you a
> >second."
> > So out I came, dripping wet and butt naked, hoping that my silent outraged
>
> >nudity would make a statement about how I perceived her behavior as
> >extremely cowardly.
> > Sighing loudly, I squatted down and stuck my head under the sink to find
> >the button. It is the last action I remember performing.
> > It struck without warning, and without any respect to my circumstances.
> >No, it wasn't the hexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth.
>
> >It was our new kitty, who discovered the fascinating dangling objects she
> >spied hanging between my legs. She had been poised around the corner and
> >stalked me as I reached under the sink. And, at the precise moment when I
> >was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and
> >snagged them with her needle-like claws. I lost all rational thought to
> >control orderly bodily?? movements, blindly rising at a violent rate of
> >speed, with the full weight of a kitten hanging from my masculine region.
> >
> > Wild animals are sometimes faced with a "fight or flight" syndrome. Men,
> >in this predicament, choose only the "flight" option. I know this from
> >experience. I was fleeing straight up into the air when the sink and
> >cabinet bluntly and forcefully impeded my ascent..... The impact knocked me
>
> >out cold.
> > When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Now there are not
> >many things in this life worse than finding oneself lying on the kitchen
> >floor buck naked in front of a group of "been-there, done-that" paramedics.
>
> >Even worse, having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics were all
> >snorting loudly as they tried to conduct their work, all the while trying
> >to suppress their hysterical laughter......and not succeeding.
> > Somehow I lived through it all. A few days later I finally made it back in
>
> >to the office, where colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me
> >about my head injury. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk
> >about, which it was. "What's the matter?" They all asked, "Cat got your
> >tongue?"
> > If they only knew!
> >this one:
> > Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate
> >my excuse, I always get the feeling that my boss thinks I'm lying.
> > On one recent occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway, because the
> >truth was just too darned humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had
> >sustained a head injury, and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next
> >day. By then, I reasoned, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage
> >on the top of my head. The accident occurred mainly because I had given in
> >to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty.
> >Initially, the new acquisition was no problem.
> >Then one morning, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my
> >wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen.
> > "Honey! The garbage disposal is dead again. Please come reset it."
> > "You know where the button is,"! I protested through the shower
> >pitter-patter and steam.? "Reset it yourself!"
> > "But I'm scared!" she persisted. "What if it starts going and sucks me
> >in?"
> > There was a meaningful pause and then, "C'mon, it'll only take you a
> >second."
> > So out I came, dripping wet and butt naked, hoping that my silent outraged
>
> >nudity would make a statement about how I perceived her behavior as
> >extremely cowardly.
> > Sighing loudly, I squatted down and stuck my head under the sink to find
> >the button. It is the last action I remember performing.
> > It struck without warning, and without any respect to my circumstances.
> >No, it wasn't the hexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth.
>
> >It was our new kitty, who discovered the fascinating dangling objects she
> >spied hanging between my legs. She had been poised around the corner and
> >stalked me as I reached under the sink. And, at the precise moment when I
> >was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and
> >snagged them with her needle-like claws. I lost all rational thought to
> >control orderly bodily?? movements, blindly rising at a violent rate of
> >speed, with the full weight of a kitten hanging from my masculine region.
> >
> > Wild animals are sometimes faced with a "fight or flight" syndrome. Men,
> >in this predicament, choose only the "flight" option. I know this from
> >experience. I was fleeing straight up into the air when the sink and
> >cabinet bluntly and forcefully impeded my ascent..... The impact knocked me
>
> >out cold.
> > When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Now there are not
> >many things in this life worse than finding oneself lying on the kitchen
> >floor buck naked in front of a group of "been-there, done-that" paramedics.
>
> >Even worse, having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics were all
> >snorting loudly as they tried to conduct their work, all the while trying
> >to suppress their hysterical laughter......and not succeeding.
> > Somehow I lived through it all. A few days later I finally made it back in
>
> >to the office, where colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me
> >about my head injury. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk
> >about, which it was. "What's the matter?" They all asked, "Cat got your
> >tongue?"
> > If they only knew!
