Woodpecker Joke

A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people

show up. One is a good looking, old retired golfer in his late 60's and

the other is a gorgeous blonde in her mid-twenties.

The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it.

This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you two

had better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment --

chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"

The girl says, "I'll go first."

She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into

the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge

her. About half way there, she throws open her coat revealing her

beautiful naked body.

The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and

starts licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss her

entire body for several minutes and then rests his head at her feet.

The circus owner's jaw is on the floor.

He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then

turns to the retired golfer and asks, "Can you top that?"

The tough old golfer replies, "No problem, just get that damn lion out

of the way."

Reverend Boudreaux was the part-time pastor of the Cajun Baptist Church in a local Louisiana Parish and Pastor Thibodaux was the minister of the Covenant Church across the road. They both were standing by the road, pounding a sign into the ground that read:

Da End is Near.

Turn Yo Self 'Round Now

Afore It Be Too Late!

As a car sped past them, the driver leaned out his window and yelled, “You religious nuts!”

From the curve they heard screeching tires, a big splash, then silence. Boudreaux turned to Thibodaux and asked, “Do ya think maybe da sign should just say Bridge Out?”

Irish Humor:

Paddy has broken his leg and his buddy Mick comes over to see him.

Mick says 'how ya doin' me bucko?'

Paddy says ' okay but do us a favour mate, run upstairs and get me

slippers, me feet are freezing.'

Mick goes upstairs and sees Paddy's gorgeous 19-year-old twin daughters

sitting on the bed. He says 'your dad's sent me up here to have sex with

both of you'.

They say 'get away with ya.. prove it.'

Mick shouts downstairs 'Paddy, both of em?'

Paddy shouts back "Of course both of em, what's the point of ******' one?"

Guy picks up a cheap street girl one evening...

Next day he realizes she gave him crabs...

He finds her again a few nights later to complain about the crabs...

She says "what do you want for five bucks-lobster?"

A Jewish woman says to her mother, "I'm divorcing Norm!

All he wants is anal sex, and my ******* is now the size of a

50 cent piece when it used to be about the size of a nickel."

Her mother says, "You're married to a multi-millionaire businessman,

you live in an 8 bedroom mansion, you drive a Ferrari, you get $2,000 a week allowance,

you take 6 vacations a year and you want to throw all that away over 45 cents?"

A trucker goes into a whorehouse and hands the Madam eight hundred dollars. He says, “I want your ugliest woman and a bologna sandwich.” The Madam says, “For that kind of money, you could have one of my finest girls and a gourmet dinner.” The trucker says, “I’m not horny, I’m homesick.”

The First Affair

A married man was having an affair

with his secretary.

One day they went to her place

and made love all afternoon.

Exhausted, they fell asleep

and woke up at 8 PM.

The man hurriedly dressed

and told his lover to take his shoes

outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.

He put on his shoes and drove home.

'Where have you been?' his wife demanded.

'I can't lie to you,' he replied,

'I'm having an affair with my secretary.

We had sex all afternoon.'

She looked down at his shoes and said:

'You lying *******!

You've been playing golf!'

The 2nd Affair

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters

but always talked about having a son.

They decided to try one last time

for the son they always wanted.

The wife got pregnant

and delivered a healthy baby boy.

The joyful father rushed to the nursery

to see his new son.

He was horrified at the ugliest child

he had ever seen.

He told his wife: 'There's no way I can

be the father of this baby.

Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!

Have you been fooling around behind my back?'

The wife smiled sweetly and replied:

'No, not this time!'

The 3rd Affair

A mortician was working late one night.

He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz,

about to be cremated,

and made a startling discovery.

Schwartz had the largest private part

he had ever seen!

'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician

commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated

with such an impressive private part.

It must be saved for posterity.'

So, he removed it,

stuffed it into his briefcase,

and took it home.

'I have something to show

you won't believe,' he said to his wife,

opening his briefcase.

'My God!' the wife exclaimed,

'Schwartz is dead!'

The 4th Affair

A woman was in bed with her lover

when she heard her husband

opening the front door.

'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.'

She rubbed baby oil all over him,

then dusted him with talcum powder.

'Don't move until I tell you,'

she said. 'Pretend you're a statue.'

'What's this?' the husband inquired

as he entered the room.

'Oh it's a statue,' she replied.

'The Smiths bought one and I liked it

so I got one for us, too.'

No more was said,

not even when they went to bed.

Around 2 AM the husband got up,

went to the kitchen and returned

with a sandwich and a beer.

'Here,' he said to the statue, 'have this.

I stood like that for two days at the Smiths

and nobody offered me a damned thing.'

The 5th Affair

A man walked into a cafe,

went to the bar and ordered a beer.

'Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent.'

'One Cent?' the man exclaimed.

He glanced at the menu and asked:

'How much for a nice juicy steak

and a bottle of wine?'

'A nickel,' the barman replied.

'A nickel?' exclaimed the man.

'Where's the guy who owns this place?'

The bartender replied:

'Upstairs, with my wife.'

The man asked: 'What's he doing upstairs

with your wife?'

The bartender replied:

'The same thing I'm doing

to his business down here.'

The 6th & Best Affair

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.

He looked up and said weakly:

'I have something I must confess.'

'There's no need to, 'his wife replied.

'No,' he insisted,

'I want to die in peace.

I slept with your sister, your best friend,

her best friend, and your mother!'

'I know,' she replied.

'Now just rest and let the poison work.'

Two women were sitting next to each other at a bar. After a while one looks at the other and says, 'I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland ."The other woman responds proudly, 'Yes, I sure am!'

The first one says, 'So am I! And where about in Ireland are ya from ? The other woman answers, 'I'm from St. John's , I am.' The first one responds, 'So, am I!! And what street did you live on?'

The other woman says, 'A lovely little area it was in the west end. I lived on Warbury Street in the old central part of town.' The first one says, 'Faith and it's a small world. So did I! So did I! And what school did ya go to?' The other woman answers, 'Well now, I went to Holy Heart of Mary, of course.'

The first one gets really excited and says, 'And so did I. Tell me,what year did you graduate?' The other woman answers, 'Well, now, let's see. I graduated in 1964.' The first woman exclaims, 'The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same pub tonight. Can you believe it, I graduated from Holy Heart of Mary in 1964 me self."

About this time, Michael walks into the bar, sits down and orders a beer. Brian, the bartender, walks over to Michael, shaking his head and mutters, 'It's going to be a long night tonight.'

Michael asks , ' Why do you say that , Brian ?'

Brian answers , 'The Murphy twins are drunk again .'

Last night I was talking to a young, good looking woman.

She asked me if I liked breasts or legs.

I told her what I really liked was a shaved snatch.

Apparently I'm not welcome back at KFC.

Zorlac said:

Last night I was talking to a young, good looking woman.She asked me if I liked breasts or legs.

I told her what I really liked was a shaved snatch.

Apparently I'm not welcome back at KFC.

Click to expand...

:rofl:

A man was sunbathing naked at the beach.

For the sake of civility, and to keep it from getting sunburned, he had a hat over his privates.

A woman walks past and says, snickering, "If you were a gentleman you'd lift your hat."

He raised an eyebrow and replied, "If you weren't so ugly it would lift itself "

A guy calls his buddy, the horse rancher, and says he's sending a

friend over to look at a horse.

His buddy asks, "How will I recognize him?"

"That's easy; he's a midget with a speech impediment."

So, the midget shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for

a male or female horse.

"A female horth."

So he shows him a prized filly.

"Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth"?

So the guy picks up the midget and he gives the horse's eyes the once

over.

"Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth"?

So he picks the lit tle fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears.

"Nith earzth, can I see her mouf"?

The rancher is getting pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him

up again and shows him the horse's mouth.

"Nice mouf, can I see her ****?"

Totally mad as fire at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms

and rams the midget's head as far as he can up the horse's fanny,

pulls him out and slams him on the ground.

The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing.

"Perhapth I should rephrase that.

Can I thee her wun awound a widdle bit"?

My neighbor found out that her dog could hardly hear, so she took

it to the veterinarian. The vet found that the problem was hair in the

dog's ears. He cleaned both ears, and the dog could hear fine.

The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that, if she wanted to keep

this from recurring, she should go to the pharmacy and get some

"Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.

The lady went to the pharmacy and bought some "Nair" hair remover.

At the register, the pharmacist told her, "If you're going to use this

under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."

The lady said, "I'm not using it under my arms."

The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't shave for

a couple of days."

The lady replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know,

I'm using it on my schnauzer."

The pharmacist said, "Stay off your bicycle for about a week."

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

Love the avatar!

Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart. He was stiff-legged and walking slowly.

One student said to his friend: "I'm sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that."

The other student says: "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks slowly and his legs are apart, just as we learned in class."

Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man.. They approached him and one of the students said to him, "We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have Could you tell us what it is?"

The old man said, "I'll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine medical students think."

The first student said, "I think it's Peltry Syndrome."

The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."

The other student said, "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."

The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."

So they asked him, "Well, old timer, what do you have?"

The old man said, "I thought it was GAS - but I was wrong, too!"

funny as hell, keep them coming

Zorlac said:

A widowed Jewish lady was sunbathing on a beach at Boca Raton, Florida.She looked up, and noticed that a man about her age had walked up,

placed his blanket on the sand next to hers, and begun reading a book.

Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him.

"Hello, sir, how are you today?"

"Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book.

"I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked.

"First time since my wife passed away two years ago," he replied and turned back to his book.

"Im sorry to hear that, My husband passed away three years ago and it has been very lonely" she countered. "Do you live around here?" she asked.

"Yes, I live over in Suntree," he answered, and again resumed reading.

Trying to find a topic of common interest, she persisted. "Do you like pussycats?"

With that, the man dropped his book, jumped off his blanket and on to hers, tore off her swimsuit, and gave her the most passionate ride of her life!

When the cloud of sand began to settle, the widow gasped and asked the man, "How did you know that was what I wanted?"

The man replied, "How did you know my name was Katz?"

Click to expand...

Now that was a good one, it brought tears to my eyes, thanks! :yahoo:

A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane.

After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, 'Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?'

The rabbi responded, 'Yes, that is still one of our laws.'

The priest then asked, 'Have you ever eaten pork?'

To which the rabbi replied, 'Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich.'

The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.

A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, 'Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?'

The priest replied, 'Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith.'

The rabbi then asked him, 'Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?'

The priest replied, 'Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke my Faith.'

The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, thinking, for about five Minutes.

Finally, the rabbi said, 'Beats a ham sandwich, doesn't it?

An elderly senior couple were invited to an old friends home for dinner oneevening. She was impressed by the way her lady friend Preceded every requestto her husband with endearing terms such as: Honey, My Love, Darling,Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc. The couple had Been married almost 70 years and,clearly, they were still very much >in love. While the husband was in theliving room, her lady friend Leaned over to her host to say, 'I think it'swonderful that, after all these years, you still call your husband all thoseloving pet Names. The elderly lady hung her head. 'I have to tell you thetruth,' she said, 'His name slipped my mind about 10 years ago, and I'mscared to death to ask the cranky old ******* what his name is.

A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college.

There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"

"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."

"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up. Relax and enjoy yourself."

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"

"1955, ma'am."

"Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.

Afterwords, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955."

The Sergeant Major said in his serious voice, after glancing at his watch, "I hope not; it's only 2130 now."

(Gotta love military time)