2005 SPANK ride report

[vectervp1]

Disclaimer!!!!!!!

This report has adult language, I have asked permission to post and I will not be modifying my story. If you have a problem with adult language, don't read it. This post does contain adult language, violence, and adult situations (drinking you sick minded people). If you are OK with all of this, then by all means read on.

After having had several months to think about my experiences leading up and during the SPANK rally, I feel its finally time to write some of them down. I have to say that even after trying to kill myself before the rally even started, having two competitors try and poison me (thats my story and Im sticking to it!), and trying to get myself thrown in jail, I still had a blast! I thought this rally was especially cool because George decided to have it on my birthday. What a guy, I didnt even know he knew when that was!!

My rally really began the Monday prior to the rally when I received my new bixenon HID conversion kit. I opened up that little package that made its way all the way from Taiwan and thought about installing it before the SPANK rally. I know that making any major changes to your bike prior to a major ride was a big no-no but I decided that I would chance fate and do it anyway. Little did I know that this decision could have seriously injured or even killed me in just a few short days!

I had taken the Thursday and Friday prior to the rally off from work to give me time to install a new set of tires just prior to the rally at a friends house. Well, this also gave me some time to install the lights. Due to long days at work (they had to get their weeks worth of work out of me somehow bastards) I really didnt get to do much to the bike on Monday or Tuesday nights. I got the majority of the plastics off and managed to get the headlights off my FJR but I hadnt even started the install. All of the real work happened between 7:00pm Wednesday and 6:00am Thursday morning. I got 2 hours sleep and headed to Greg Marbachs to do the tires. I got home around noon, mounted up the rims on the bike and did a few more chores that I had to get done before leaving for the weekend.

The next morning Greg and I took off for SPANK around 6:30am in order to beat the Phoenix rush hour traffic. Somewhere in between Parker Arizona and 29 Palms Greg quickly veered off the main road onto a side road and pulled over. I pulled up beside him to find out what was going on. He jumped off his bike and yelled "I gotta pee real bad!" I started making a u-turn when I heard this strange grinding noise coming from the front of my bike. I got off the bike to see what was going on. What I discovered stunned and horrified me. One of the caliper bolts was missing on the left rotor, and the other one was half way out! Just then I remembered hand tightening the bolts and thinking I needed to torque then down when I lower the front onto the ground after the tire installation. In my tired state I completely forgot to do that! This was just great! Im sitting in the middle of nowhere on my way to a rally with no front brakes. I felt like such an idiot for not only forgetting to tighten the bolts down, but for breaking one of the cardinal rules and making some major changes to my bike days prior to starting a rally. If I hadnt installed the HID lights I wouldnt have been so tired and I wouldnt have forgotten the damn bolts!

We called George up to let him know what was going on. He said that if the local Yammi shop didnt have a caliper bolt for me, he would take one off his bike so I could still run the rally. That was a hell of an offer which picked up my spirits but still left me feeling like an idiot. The local Yamaha shop was just as nice as George. The guy didnt happen to have a caliper bolt in stock, but he took one off of his R6 and installed it on my bike for a mere $3.50. He basically knew he had me by the balls, yet didnt rape me and charge me $20 for a bolt. I was really feeling good and thought that my gremlins for the rally were now behind me. Boy oh by was I wrong!

During the evenings riders meeting, George went over the basics and introduced us to our rally towels. A pair of XXXL tighty-whities with SPANK 2005 on them. The 5 however was sitting on top of a 6 underneath. It turns out someone had one too many pints of Arrogant Bastard while making up the rally towels

That night a group of us decided to go to the local Mexican restaurant and grab some dinner together. I sat between Mark Crane (who took 1st place) and Greg Marbach (who took second) at dinner. After a decent meal and some good conversation we called it a night. Somewhere around midnight I woke up and the room had somehow started spinning. My stomach was telling me dinner did not go so well and it was time to purge NOW! After 15 minutes of dry heaving and finally purging myself I went back to bed. I woke up again at 1:15 and 2:45 to pay homage to the porcelain goddess. It was after my last episode while I was lying in bed with cold chills that I decided there was no way in hell I was going to run the rally in just a few short hours. I would volunteer to assist and get some rest for the ride home. I had also decided that it was a conspiracy between Greg and Mark to take me out of the rally.

 

[vectervp1]

Morning came and I was still feeling a little off. Greg was rooming with me and asked if I was up last night. I told him of what happened and said I was probably not running the rally, or if I do Ill just run it to get minimum mileage to say I was a finisher. Hell, even Mark heard me in his adjacent room! (Coincidence or conspiracy?)

We went to the riders meeting and got our packets. We were going over the 22 pages of bonuses in our hotel room and I was looking for an easy out and back route. The obvious route was to El Paso and back via the I-10. I checked the distance and it was going to be close to 1500 miles. Not bad, I can probably do that. Besides, if I cant my house is on the route, so I can just bail out and go home. I flipped through it some more and found the 4 corners on there. Hmm same basic mileage as El Paso but much more scenic. I looked through the packet again and again and was salivating at all of the possible routes and locations. I started to get more energy for this and decided to hell with how I felt, I was gonna do this! I was going to go big, or DNF.

I decided on a route that would take me to the Four Corners then on to Zion for two big bonuses. I would hit several smaller bonuses between here and the four corners then on the way back go to Zion and through Vegas. This would land me somewhere near 20,000 points if I remember right. With my revived energy I jumped on my bike, headed to the start line and informed George and Chuck Hickey of my intended route and was off only 20 minutes after the official start time! I was feeling good, damn good about my route.

I headed towards Parker AZ and moved north to Lake Havasu and the London Bridge. I had never seen the bridge so this was a cool bonus for me. I pulled up at the end of the bridge, jumped off the bike, slapped my drawers on the bike and snapped my pictures. This of course caught the attention a few people. I took a moment to explain what I was doing and where I was heading. They got a kick out of my rally towel.

I got my bearing again and was off to Kingman for a stop in their museum for another bonus which I misread. I thought the museum closed at 1:00pm, bun in reality it opened at 1:00. I made haste and got there at 12:55. I pulled into the empty parking lot, took off my helmet, grabbed my rally packet and headed for the door. I pulled on the door and they still werent open. Dammit! Didnt they realize I was under a timeline?!?

I waited for the very nice, but slow older lady to open the door, and asked her if she knew when the caboose they had was converted to its current state. She gave me a funny look so I told her I was doing a sort of scavenger hunt and that was one of the questions. I showed her my rally packet and she took me back to the caboose. She let the entrance fee slide, as I was only going to be there for a moment. She then asked me if there was anything else she could help me out with. I asked if they had a gift shop, and if they possibly had shot glasses in there. She said they did and took me there next. Sweet, it was a two for one stop!

My fuel was running low at this point, so I stopped at a gas station near by and was feeling a little tired. I figured I was doing OK in time so I took an extra long stop. I was there around 20-25 minutes while I drank an apple juice and reviewed my plan. It was then that I realized one of my stops in Las Vegas was a daylight only stop. Dammit, there went some points. Oh well, nothing to do now but cry in my helmet and press on.

I headed out, but by the time I was nearing Williams AZ, I was once again crashing. I couldnt believe it. My lack of sleep was really going to take its toll on me. I had to stop. I was having a hard time concentrating, and I was just overall feeling worn down. I pulled into a gas station and decided that I would buy a soda even though I really didnt want to start the whole caffeine roller coaster. I took another 30 minutes and just walked around and tried to get the blood flowing again. I started to feel better so I knew it was time to shove off.

I started making good time as traffic was low, and as I started heading north on AZ89, I started to notice the sun was going down faster than I had expected. Shit! I forgot that the sun was starting to set earlier because it was turning into winter! When I started to pull further away from civilization, I started to exercise my right wrist. I made a quick stop in Tuba City and snapped a photo of the city limits sign and took off once again at rally nominal speeds.

As I entered Kayenta, I had to stop for gas. The FJR was really sucking down the gas at this point and I had managed to burn through both my main tank and my aux tank in relatively sort order. I made the quickest stop I could and proceeded north east to the four corners racing the falling sun.

When I hit Red Mesa, I was only 22 miles away from the four corners, but I knew it was too late. There was just no way I could make it before sunset. SHIT! I was pissed off at myself for totally screwing the pooch on this rally. I knew at this point I was out of the running. I could place well, but there was no way I could win the rally. I pulled into a little gas station to see if I should continue my route back, or if I should try to hit El Paso, and possibly a bonus or two on the way back. I totaled the milage, and there was just no way I could make that kind of time and keep my license. I was best off just finishing my planned route and taking this ride as a learning experience.

I started out again, and was now heading towards Page. We had to make a virtual checkpoint within an hour time frame, and my arrival into Page would be 15 minutes into that window. I got into Page and once again had to quench my thirsty bike. Damn this thing sucks down gas running rally nominal.

As I went to call George on the Bat-Phone, I had a nice little message from Greg. He of course was harassing me, so I of course had to return the favor and leave him a friendly message on his phone. I called George up and let him know I was still alive and headed back to the barn via Zion and Vegas. I mentioned I screwed the pooch on the four corners and was going to try and at least redeem myself in Zion. I put on my Widder vest and gloves and headed back out on the road.

I headed out of Page towards Kanab and on to Zion. I was leery of entering Utah because just a few short months ago during the Utah1088 I had managed to take out a forest rat. It was now totally dark and I was starting to enjoy the amazing amount of light my new low beams were producing. I started to gain confidence with my PHID and HID low beams turning night into day. Maybe this wont bet as bad as I thought.

 

[vectervp1]

After about 10 miles I was back on my game and my fear of forest rats was fading. I was picking up speed and was back up to rally nominal speeds. I came upon a few cars so as I approached I would shut off the PHIDS and high beams, flip the turn signal on, drop 10-20mph and pass them. I did this a few times so as I approached the next car I thought nothing of it. I started my procedure again, when I noticed the retro reflective stickers on the back of my latest victim. Yup, they said Highway Patrol. SHIT!!!!!! I grabbed the binders hard, the nose of the bike dove HARD, and the car disappeared into the darkness again. I came down to his speed about 30 feet from his rear bumper at which time I released the brakes and lit up the inside of the car. Oh shit, kill the aux lights and high beams! I flip my aux light switch and flip the high beam switch. Well as luck would have it, I had already shut them off. I was now flooding the inside of his squad car with more light than a ball park. **** me running with a broom stick, I was done! D-U-N, Done!

I started to contemplate what it would be like to spend the night in jail, and what exactly I was going to do when my bike was impounded. About the time I was wondering who I was going to call to bail my dumb ass out, the cop started to slow down. I slowed down behind him. At about 10-15mph he started to pull over on the side of the road. I pulled up beside him and saw this what is your major malfunction look from the cop. He came to a stop, so I stopped beside him. He started to roll down his window, so I flipped up my helmet and my mouth just opened. I had no idea was I was going to say, but apparently my mouth did.

"How far is it to Kanab from here? Its starting to get pretty cold out here, and well, Im really starting to get cold out here." Yeah right, my Widders were cooking and I was feeling fine.

He gives me this quizzical look and said "Well, were at mile marker XX so your about 25 miles away."

"Cool. Im supposed to make it to Cedar City tonight, but Im thinking about just finding a hotel in Kanab."

"Yeah, you might want to do that."

"Umm OK."

"By the way, be careful out here. Theres a lot of deer out right now. Its their migration time so theyre really out and about right now."

**** thanks George rat bastard knew I was skiddish of fucking-deer (technical term) and here I am out during their migration. Yeah, yeah, yeah I know, this route was my choice.

"Yeah, I unfortunately know all about that. I hit one this past summer on my bike, so Im real skiddish when I enter forested areas now"

"On THIS bike?"

"Yeah, did a lot of damage, but I managed to fix it up and truck on."

"Damn, well be careful alright"

"Yeah, Ill do that"

"OK, be careful and have a good night"

"OK"

I popped it into first, and started back out on the road. OK, what the hell just happened? Did I just talk myself out of a major ticket? Hmm maybe I should just take it easy and look out for deer. He was behind me doing 10 under the limit so I was slowly pulling away from him.

Not 5 minutes later, I start to see deer. Not just a deer, but lots of deer. I started counting, but after I reached 18, I just stopped. I didnt want to know how many deer there really were out there. This rally was turning into a real nightmare. I just wanted to make it back home alive at this point. It was time to slow down, and make sure I didnt have a repeat performance. I did NOT want to hit another deer.

After what seemed like hours, I finally made it into Kanab and decided it would be smart of me to pull into the parking lot of a hotel for a moment, to umm... 'check in for the night' as the kind officer had recommended. As I was sitting there, I decided to take a moment to focus on how I was going to cover the next 100+ miles ahead of me. I considered saying to hell with this and just heading back to the barn. My nerves were now shot, and I knew I wasnt going to win. Was it even worth it to get Zion? I would have enough miles to finish the rally even if I did shoot straight back to Twenty nine Palms. Dammit, I hate quitting. I managed to convince myself I still needed to run my rally and go to Zion. I needed to at least try. If I didnt it would haunt me that I gave up.

I waited an appropriate amount of time after 'officer friendly' had passed, and as luck would have it, a car was heading the same way I was. Score! I would just follow him, and if a deer came out, it would hopefully hit him instead. Sick and twisted I know, but the though made me feel better about riding in this personal nightmare of mine.

 

[vectervp1]

We started out on the road with me hugging the bumper of the Chrysler mini van in front of me. As we started to get deeper and deeper into the forest, I saw even more vermin on the side of the road. Their beady red eyes reflecting back at me like the evil spawn that they are. Did I ever mention I hate deer?

As I turned onto Utah 9, I lost my cover. I started to enter Zion National Park, and kept seeing more and more deer. ****, this was really starting to suck. I was putting along at 25mph because somehow I thought this would give me enough time to react if of one the evil spawn decided to take me out. After about 15-20 minute of this I pulled over just to make sure I really was on the right path and to calm myself down. Just then, as luck would have it, a white Dodge Ram went by. I shut off my map light and started riding that guys ass so close I could tell you what octane he was running.

After about 30 minutes we went by a dead deer in the middle of the road. Whoa, that was just too freaky to see. Then a few minutes later there was another one dead on the side of the road. This whole following another car started sounding better and better. That is until we started getting into the desert portion of the park and I felt like I was crawling along. Shit, do I risk passing this guy just to find bambi out there waiting to see me alone? Screw it Ive got plenty of time right now. Ill just follow along.

I think it was somewhere around 2 days later we made it to the visitors center of Zion, so I pulled over to get my information for my bonus points. I got off the bike, pulled out my flashlight and started looking for my bonus question information. There was nothing. I couldnt find any stupid maps, no little information posters on the canyons around Zion, nothing. What the hell was going on?!? I spent a good 10-15 minutes walking around and couldnt find a damn thing. I got aggravated and decided to just leave.

About 2 miles down the road was the entrance of Zion with even more posters and information. Well shit, I just wasted 15 minutes of time for nothing! I got off the bike again and started walking around. Still nothing on my bonus location! Goddamit, this is getting real annoying. Ive just spent the last 12+ hours riding my ass over here and now not only have I blown the Four Corners bonus, but now I cant find this bonus! Fucking Christ, maybe I really should just call it quits in Cedar City.

I hopped back on the bike, and started for I-15 and Las Vegas. As usual, super slabbing was boring as hell, but after my little what the **** am I doing out here moment in Zion, this was actually a good time to relax and calm my nerves. Just me, my bike, the open road, and a heavy right hand.

I pulled into Glendale NV and decided I should write my poem before midnight like we were supposed to. The gas station I pulled into had one of those fast food type restaurants in it which of course by now and had been close for some time. The cashier was pleasant and let me sit down in that area for a bit while I copied my poem onto my ass-gasket and tried to wake myself up. Ive always tried to avoid taking caffeine on long rides, but it was starting to get real tempting. This stop of course ended up taking a lot longer than I had wanted, but the cashier was interested in what I was doing, and was a decent guy to talk to.

I pulled out of there shortly after midnight knowing I only had 300 miles to the finish line and nearly 7 hours finish. Time it seemed was on my side despite my best efforts to sabotage myself. I was now coming up on Las Vegas and was starting to get tired again. I knew I was closing in on the finish line, but my drowsiness was just getting the best of me. Again I took another 15 minute break and did a few jumping jacks and walked around a bit to get the blood flowing.

When I got back out on the road I started heading south down US-95. It didnt seem like it was an hour later and I was really getting tired. I knew a quick little 15 minute stop wasnt going to cure this. I had to sleep. A few minutes after I decided that I was going to check in to the Iron Butt Motel for the first time I came across a truck stop. As my luck would have it, there were two trucks parked in such a way where I could be hidden from the view of most people driving by, but not so secluded I felt something could happen to me. I pulled in and set my cell phone alarm to 30 minutes, stuffed it in my helmet, and laid my tired head down on my tankbag.

It felt like I had just closed my eyes when my alarm woke me up. I took a few swigs of water, and was feeling pretty damn good all things considered. OK, it was time to make my final push and get back to my waiting hotel room, and that wonderful bed.

I got back on the road, and started making some quick time calculations. I knew the remainder of my trip would be on deserted back roads where I could make some good time. I figured I would still be arriving with about two and a half hours to spare so I could try to pick up some extra points by going to Joshua Tree and getting two or three bonuses there. I knew I wasnt in the running, but hey, I would have some free time so why not!

Just as I was coming up to the intersection of US-95 and CA-62, I was fading once again! **** me, I only have 100 miles left to go, and here I am exhausted! Well, there was no sense killing myself this late in the game. It was time to stop again. I once again pulled over and set my alarm for 30 minutes. I was out the moment my head hit the tankbag.

 

[vectervp1]

I woke up and the sun was out. Hmm... this seemed a little odd. It was dark when I pulled over. Suddenly a sense of panic set in as I realized I overslept! Shit, did I sleep past the 8:00am finish time! Oh shit, dont tell me I blew it! Not this close, not after all I had been through! I scrambled to get my cell out of my helmet and check the time. Oh thank god, it was only 6:00am. Two hours to make it the last 100 miles.

As I got the bike off the center stand and put away my cell I decided it was definitely time to get a Screamin Meanie. No doubt about it! I pointed myself west and started moving with a purpose. I still may have time to get some of them bonuses in Joshua Tree!

Just as I was entering Twenty-nine Palms I decided to pull into the driveway of the hotel. I deliberately stayed away from the finish line and pulled out my rally packet to review the Joshua Tree bonuses. There werent a lot of points there, somewhere around 200, so I started wondering if it was worth it. There was always a chance I would get lost, and then truly blow this rally when I was already at the finish line.

George came up to me and asked if I was done. I said not yet, and that I was considering going to Joshua Tree for some bonuses. He said OK, and I just looked at my map and the packet for a few minutes while we chatted a bit. A few other riders came by and we all started chatting. I decided to just call it done and relax. Besides, I knew there was no way in hell I was going to win anyway. Why risk not finishing after all I had already been through.

I pulled my bike up to the finish line, and as riders came in we started sharing our stories of the road. Everyone got a kick out of my brush with Utahs finest and I ended up telling the story at least half a dozen times. It was then that I also informed George that I almost didnt run the rally due to my food poisoning and how I had to stop to sleep twice during the rally. I guess Chuck had made the comment to him that dinner had not set well with him either. Id definitely glad I stuck it out though.

After the finish time had gone and passed I got in line to do my rider check-in and see how I really faired. Chuck Hickey was totaling my points, and had a question about one of my pictures. He showed it to George for confirmation when George noticed I hadnt written my mileage or time of day on it. The rest of my photos were reviewed and I hadnt done this on all of them. I was so intent on just riding an out and back ride in the beginning, I didnt even read the instructions! Well this pretty much was the nail in the coffin for my ride. Yup, I got next to no points overall! It definitely matters to read instructions carefully!

I figured it was about time to crack open one of the beers from the *fine* selection that George had provided us. After about half a bottle I was pretty much feeling no pain. Shortly after that, I was passed out in my hotel room trying to make up for my lack of sleep.

A few short hours later, it was time for the awards banquet at the same Mexican restaurant that had given me such a wonderful night. I was a little hesitant to eat there again but I figured at least this time I would be sick at and not in the middle of a rally. Besides, its not like my ride could get any worse.

The awards banquet was fun, with people joking around and of course more story telling. George showed us the trophies for first through third. In typical George fashion, they were of course bowling trophies. As he went thought the top 10 finishers I found out I got 10th place. It was better than I had expected after all of the ways I tried to make myself fail. After second and first were announced, I came to my conclusion that Mark Crane and Greg Marbach were in cahoots in trying to take me out as competition. They split first and second by only a few hundred points! If I recall correctly Greg would have won if he would have taken a picture of the correct telescope at Kitts Peak. Hmm... now that sounds familiar doesnt it?

After lunch was done and people started heading home, George, Mark, Greg, and I hung around and chatted for a while in the parking lot. It was then that one of the restaurant staff came out and brought us a camera a fellow rider had left behind. We figured out it belonged to GunMD, so we decided that we should take a group picture for him to remember us by. We all lined up, and showed him our *best* side of course. Im sure its a picture he we look back on and fondly remembers us by. I just hope not too fondly. Not that theirs anything wrong with that!

Just before heading out, I thanked George for all of the hard work he put into this rally. It really was a lot of fun, even after all that I had gone through. It really was a great way to celebrate my birthday. I got to spend it riding my bike, and sharing stories with fellow riders. I dont think I could have had it better if I would have planned it!

 

[GunMD]

Great report!

While were at it...

GunMD's Ride Report, SPANK 2005

 

[Ignacio]

SPANK group photo

All healthy folks that either appear to be well conditioned in LD riding....or hadn't ridden yet and no tell-tale monkey butt.

.....a classy event if I've ever seen one before. Somebody must have already grabbed the last Schmidt.

Looking forward to being spanked in August. Georgie is my Spank Daddy!

 

[SkooterG]

Cripes! That was a freaking novel! Great report Art. Fun reading it and re-living Georgie-porgie's cherry-popping rally. He did a great job at throwing us a great rally. The bastard.

Yo Iggy - The night before this year's SPANK rally I am gonna have to take you to dinner at this quaint little restaurant I know about..............

 

[GunMD]

I am gonna have to take you to dinner at this quaint little restaurant I know about..............

Make sure you don't leave your camera at the table...

 

[rdcyclist]

Great ride report Art! It sure was gratifyin' that Greg's plan worked out so well. You gonna do the Cal24? I just need to know now to get my plan into action...

 

[beeroux]

Great report Art. Thanks for taking the time to make me laugh my ass off.

"Hey officer!" lol

GZ