A couple of Oldies

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Honestly, if the mental movie maker in your head pictures The Zilla, it could be the Greatest Story Ever Told because he's a countrified, premier goat roping, horse riding, badass sumbitch.

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I had this idea that I could rope a deer, put it in a stall, feed it up on corn for a couple of weeks, then kill it and eat it. The first step in this adventure was getting a deer. I figured that, since they congregate at my cattle feeder and do not seem to have much fear of me when we are there (a bold one will sometimes come right up and sniff at the bags of feed while I am in the back of the truck not 4 feet away), it should not be difficult to rope one, get up to it and toss a bag over its head (to calm it down) then hog tie it and transport it home.

I filled the cattle feeder then hid down at the end with my rope. The cattle, having seen the roping thing before, stayed well back. They were not having any of it. After about 20 minutes, my deer showed up-- 3 of them. I picked out a likely looking one, stepped out from the end of the feeder, and threw my rope. The deer just stood there and stared at me. I wrapped the rope around my waist and twisted the end so I would have a good hold.

The deer still just stood and stared at me, but you could tell it was mildly concerned about the whole rope situation. I took a step towards it, it took a step away. I put a little tension on the rope, and then received an education. The first thing that I learned is that, while a deer may just stand there looking at you funny while you rope it, they are spurred to action when you start pulling on that rope.

That deer EXPLODED. The second thing I learned is that pound for pound, a deer is a LOT stronger than a cow or a colt. A cow or a colt in that weight range I could fight down with a rope and with some dignity. A deer-- no Chance. That thing ran and bucked and twisted and pulled. There was no controlling it and certainly no getting close to it. As it jerked me off my feet and started dragging me across the ground, it occurred to me that having a deer on a rope was not nearly as good an idea as I had originally imagined. The only upside is that they do not have as much stamina as many other animals.

A brief 10 minutes later, it was tired and not nearly as quick to jerk me off my feet and drag me when I managed to get up. It took me a few minutes to realize this, since I was mostly blinded by the blood flowing out of the big gash in my head. At that point, I had lost my taste for corn-fed venison. I just wanted to get that devil creature off the end of that rope.

I figured if I just let it go with the rope hanging around its neck, it would likely die slow and painfully somewhere. At the time, there was no love at all between me and that deer. At that moment, I hated the thing, and I would venture a guess that the feeling was mutual. Despite the gash in my head and the several large knots where I had cleverly arrested the deer's momentum by bracing my head against various large rocks as it dragged me across the ground, I could still think clearly enough to recognize that there was a small chance that I shared some tiny amount of responsibility for the situation we were in. I didn't want the deer to have to suffer a slow death, so I managed to get it lined back up in between my truck and the feeder - a little trap I had set before hand...kind of like a squeeze chute. I got it to back in there and I started moving up so I could get my rope back.

Did you know that deer bite? They do! I never in a million years would have thought that a deer would bite somebody, so I was very surprised when ..... I reached up there to grab that rope and the deer grabbed hold of my wrist. Now, when a deer bites you, it is not like being bit by a horse where they just bite you and slide off to then let go. A deer bites you and shakes its head--almost like a pit bull. They bite HARD and it hurts.

The proper thing to do when a deer bites you is probably to freeze and draw back slowly. I tried screaming and shaking instead. My method was ineffective.

It seems like the deer was biting and shaking for several minutes, but it was likely only several seconds. I, being smarter than a deer (though you may be questioning that claim by now), tricked it. While I kept it busy tearing the tendons out of my right arm, I reached up with my left hand and pulled that rope loose.

That was when I got my final lesson in deer behavior for the day.

Deer will strike at you with their front feet. They rear right up on their back feet and strike right about head and shoulder level, and their hooves are surprisingly sharp... I learned a long time ago that, when an animal -like a horse --strikes at you with their hooves and you can't get away easily, the best thing to do is try to make a loud noise and make an aggressive move towards the animal. This will usually cause them to back down a bit so you can escape.

This was not a horse. This was a deer, so obviously, such trickery would not work. In the course of a millisecond, I devised a different strategy. I screamed like a woman and tried to turn and run. The reason I had always been told NOT to try to turn and run from a horse that paws at you is that there is a good chance that it will hit you in the back of the head. Deer may not be so different from horses after all, besides being twice as strong and 3 times as evil, because the second I turned to run, it hit me right in the back of the head and knocked me down.

Now, when a deer paws at you and knocks you down, it does not immediately leave. I suspect it does not recognize that the danger has passed. What they do instead is paw your back and jump up and down on you while you are laying there crying like a little girl and covering your head.

I finally managed to crawl under the truck and the deer went away. So now I know why when people go deer hunting they bring a rifle with a scope......to sort of even the odds!!

All these events are true so help me God...An Educated Farmer

 
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Honestly, if the mental movie maker in your head pictures The Zilla, it could be the Greatest Story Ever Told because he's a countrified, premier goat roping, horse riding, badass sumbitch
Lol. I have killed more cattle and pigs and chickens than I can remember. A few goats too, because goat meat is very good. I have also killed 3 elk, probably 20 deer, and maybe 20 more antelope. The only "dead" animals I have ever seen hurt anyone was an antelope that got up and stomped the shit out of a friend of mine, and an elk I was told a story about. However, on that same note, I did get chased around a corral by a HUGE steer that was supposed to be bleeding out. There's a story to that one. I have also had my ass handed to my by an Emu. Long story, but my wife thinks it's funny as fu#*.

I'll tell you this, and I'd bet Farrier can confirm it: IF horses knew how strong and big they are, there would be no riding or controlling them. They could kill us at will. Growing up around those animals taught me a respect for animals, wild or not. We truly never know exactly what is going through their crazy little brains. Lol.

Oh, and I would NEVER rope a deer. I'm too smart for that; however, I did rope an Emu, which contradicts how smart I think I am! Haha...

 
Two elderly gents decided they were close to their last days and decide to have a last night on the town. After a few drinks they end up at the local brothel.

The madam takes one look at the two old geezers and whispers to her manager, "go up to the first two bedrooms and put an inflated doll in each bed. These two are so old and drunk, I'm not wasting two of my girls on them. They won't know the difference. The manger does as he is told and the two old men go upstairs and take care of their business.

As they are walking home the first man says, "you know, I think my girl was dead!"

"Dead?", his friend says, "why do you say that?"

"Well, she never moved or made a sound all the time I was making love to her."

His friend says, "could be worse. I think mine was a witch."

"A witch? Why the hell would you say that?"

"Well, I was making love to her, kissing her on the neck, and I gave her a little bite. Then she farted and flew out the window..... took my teeth with her!"
 
Stephen Hawking went on his first date in 10 years. When he got back, his glasses were smashed, he had a broken wrist, a twisted ankle and grazed knees.

Apparently she'd stood him up.

 
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A cab driver picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her.

She asks him why he is staring and he replies, "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."

She answers: "My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me." She responds,

"Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1 you have to be single and #2 you must be a Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I am single and I'm Catholic too!"

The nun says, "OK, pull into the next alley." He does and the nun fulfills his fantasy.

But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. "My dear child." said the nun, "Why are you crying?"

"Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, I'm married and I'm a Baptist."

The nun says, "That's OK, I am on the way to a Halloween party, and my name is Kevin."

 
A guy walks into a bar with a crocodile.

The bartender goes, "You can't bring that animal in here!" But the guy says, "Hey, he does tricks. Watch!" He taps the crocodile on it's head, and the beast opens its mouth. The guy unzips his pants, whips out his vulnerable member, and puts it in the crocodile's mouth. Then after 3 minutes he takes it out. Then he taps the crocodile on it's head again, and the beast closes its mouth. Everyone in the bar is aghast.

Then the guy announces to the bar, "I'll give 100 bucks to anyone who can do that." Everyone is really, really quiet. Suddenly, Willie the Wino shouts, "I... I think I can do that. But I'm not really sure if I can leave my mouth open that long!"
 
A bloke's wife goes missing while diving off the West Australian Coast.

He reports the event, searches fruitlessly and spends a terrible night wondering what could have happened to her.

Next morning there's a knock at the door and he is confronted by a couple of police officers, the old Sarge and a younger Constable.

The Sarge says, “Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some really bad news, but, some good news, and maybe some more good news.”

“Well,” says the bloke, “I guess I'd better have the bad news first.”

The Sarge says, “I'm really sorry mate, but your wife is dead. Young Bill here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the reef. He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead.”

The bloke is naturally distressed to hear of this and has a bit of a turn.

But after a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks what the good news is.

The Sarge says, “Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few really good sized lobsters and a swag of nice crabs attached to her, so we've brought you your share.”

He hands the bloke a bag with a couple of nice lobsters and four or five crabs in it.

“Geez thanks. They're bloody beauties. I guess it's an ill wind and all that... So, what's the other possible good news?”

“Well,” the Sarge says, “If you fancy a quick trip, young Bill and I get off duty at around 11 o'clock and we're gonna shoot over there and pull her up again.”

 
Traffic cop attends a fatal car accident and now must notify the next of kin. He knocks on the door of the house of the fatality and asks the owner if he has a photo of his wife. The husband fetches a photo and shows the cop who says,

"Sorry but it looks like your wife is dead."

The husband replies ,"I know she's not the best looker but she's a great cook."

 
The Zilla was moonlighting on the weekends as a tour bus driver. This particular weekend he's with a bus load of seniors cruising down the interstate when a little old lady taps him on the shoulder and offers him a handful of almonds, which he gratefully munches up.

After about 15 mins. she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of almonds. She repeats this gesture a few times and his curiosity gets the best of him so he asks the little old lady why they don't eat the almonds themselves. She says that it's not possible because of their old teeth they are not able to chew them.

"Why do you buy them then?" he asks puzzled.

The old lady answers, "We just love the chocolate around them."

 
Oh, all right. Here's another.

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students.. 'Human beings are the only animals that stutter', she says.

A little girl raises her hand 'I had a kitty-cat who stuttered', she volunteered.

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

'Well', she began, 'I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!

'That must've been scary', said the teacher. '

It sure was', said the little girl. 'My kitty raised his back, went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'... And before he could say ' ****' , the Rottweiler ate him!


 
It's execution day in France. A huge crowd had gathered around the guillotine platform, and the festivities were about to begin. On the platform were Tyler, rbentnail and FredW who all chose to be executed face up. First up wasTyler, they got her positioned after a brief struggle and zzzzzzzzzzzzzipp! The big blade stopped an inch from her neck. The rule is, if the guillotine fails, you are set free, so she was free to go. Next up, Russ..... got him loaded in face up, sweat pouring from his brow...... zzzzzzzzipp! The big blade stopped an inch from his neck also, and he too was free to go. Finally, they load Fred in the rigging after he'd witnessed all this. He's laying there looking up, and says...... "Wait, I think I see the problem!"

 
Uncle Hud and his new bride finally got the chance for an extended road trip. Riding through Wisconsin, as they approached Oconomowoc, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town's name. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch.

As they stood at the counter, HUD asked the employee, 'Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are . . . very slowly?'

The blond leaned over the counter and slowly said, "Burrrr gerrrr Kiiiing."

 
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A Catholic Priest, an Jewish Rabbi, and a Muslim Imam walk into a bar.



The bartender says, "What is this, some kind of a joke?"
 
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A couple walks into a hotel. The man says, "We'd like a room, we just got married today."

"Bridal?", says the clerk.

The man replies, "No thanks, I'll just hold her ears until she gets the hang of it."

 
Penguin goes into a mechanic shop to have some work done on his car. The mechanic tells him he can look at it but it will be a while and he should come back in the afternoon. The penguin says, "That's fine. I'll just go down the street to the store and pop in later." A couple of hours later, the penguin comes back to see what was wrong with the car and the mechanic says, "Well, it looks like you blew a seal." The penguin looks at the mechanic and replies, "No...that's just a little ice cream."

 
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