Candy Butt Association

[dcarver]

So at WFO last July, late at night, after a few brews.. an idea surfaced that while the IBA is a fine and noble organization of individuals, some of us place little value in 1,000 plus mile days.. there is more to riding than that for us.. in short, we are Candy Butt riders who will probably never proudly tote an IBA plate on the back of our FJR's. Thus, in that magic moment of a warm intoxicated Reno night the Candy Butt Association (CBA) was formed.

To quote Jeff Foxworthy, you might be a CBA rider if:

• You like to stop often. No need to be held slave to a 1,000 mile day just to say you did it.
• You like to read historical markers, take pictures, actually converse with the natives, stop by the creek, take your boots off and get your feet wet.
• Your idea of a fantastic day is < 10 hours in the saddle and < 400 miles traveled because you were lollygagging, posey sniffing, eating and talking.
• You like to eat, and eat well.. often too! Stopping to eat at the old 1950's diner is a must.. even if you just ate an hour ago. A lobster and steak house? Ummm. Must stop.
• You will stop for silly and stupid road side attractions. Like painted purple cows or cars stuffed nose first in the dirt, all in one big line.
• Your idea of packing for a trip does not include Preparation H, Monkey Butt jell or padded shorts. Who will need them anyway?

The best part of being a CBA member? Well, we eat better and drink more than our IBA counterparts. Our cash kitty will be much larger than the IBA thus allowing even bigger events and only the best food and drinks.
Practically anyone can join the CBA as there are no real rules, just a few guidelines to keep it real. Here's a quick list..

• Your membership is $5.00. This is a one time fee and feeds the kitty.
• Anyone caught or confessing to riding more than 400 miles in one day will be assessed a 2x monetary penalty of the membership fee or amount of the last infraction. For example, if BrunDog were to ride 401 miles in 24 hours, he would have to pay the kitty $10. The next infraction would be $20.
• The maximum any member is required to pay is $160 yearly. That should get the long distance IBA stuff outta of yer blood for at least a year. See how the kitty can grow quickly with this crowd?
• Every year a big blow out event will be held. The entire purpose of this event is CBA camaraderie, el torro poo-poo sessions, and to completely spend all money in the kitty for food and drink. Maybe some cigars too.

That's it! Pretty easy stuff, really. So, are you man or woman enough to be a Candy Butt Association rider? If so, post and pay up. And yes, you can 'nominate' or 'sponsor' a rider other than yourself!
So have fun, ride like you don't have to be anywhere soon.. because you don't; you are a CBA member!

Ps – this is all a joke. If you are a proud IBA member don't get your rear in a roar. If it is in a roar, apply more ointment. Do not send me money. This is a joke intended to promote good fun and jesting between members in this virtual community. I hope it is received in this spirit.

If enough interest exists, who knows, maybe something could evolve of the CBA.. but for now, just relax, smile and enjoy..

 

[SkooterG]

I thought it was going to be the CAA - Candy Assed Association.

Do you all give out a free tube of Preparation H upon joining?

 

[OrangevaleFJR]

beauty...can you write the fine forumula in mathmatic symbols instead of that Darn English?

Here's a word problem:

Andrew rode 1,200 miles in 24 hours on September 2nd, 2006 and slept for two hours on his motorcycle in Nevada. He then rode 1,183 miles on October 11th. His CBA fine is ________. EDIT: Oh yeah, I rode 783 miles sometime in July and two 600 mile days Septmeber 10 and 11th and a 500+ mile day sometime in October...and another back the day after. Oh yeah, I also rode to Costa Mesa in one day...550+. yep..and from Ojai to Orangevale: 440. Have I met my max fine yet?

Frankly, if CBA really cares about the partying, they should all go ride rides that result in fines NOW Otherwise, they just don't care about the CBA.

Therefore, the CBA promotes IBA rides.

Whoa.

 

[velvet fog]

What does the CBA license plate frame look like? Pink I suppose :wubsmiley:

 

[Bike Effects]

Ps – this is all a joke. If you are a proud IBA member don't get your rear in a roar.

You can tell that Carver is from California! He is now gripped in fear of being sued!

 

[Mike-H]

Orangevale, you missed your calling as a lawyer :lol: ....

 

[radman]

Any bonus points for trailering? I am so all over this..............

 

[dcarver]

I thought it was going to be the CAA - Candy Assed Association.Do you all give out a free tube of Preparation H upon joining?

Nopies, it was always the CBA... better to contrast and compare to IBA... Free Prep H for a CBA member? What for? You need to contact Mr. Kneebone for freebie prep H Skooter...

Andrew rode 1,200 miles in 24 hours on September 2nd, 2006 and slept for two hours on his motorcycle in Nevada. He then rode 1,183 miles on October 11th. His CBA fine is ________. EDIT: Oh yeah, I rode 783 miles sometime in July and two 600 mile days Septmeber 10 and 11th and a 500+ mile day sometime in October...and another back the day after. Oh yeah, I also rode to Costa Mesa in one day...550+. yep..and from Ojai to Orangevale: 440. Have I met my max fine yet? Frankly, if CBA really cares about the partying, they should all go ride rides that result in fines NOW Otherwise, they just don't care about the CBA.

Andrew, you are so kicked out of the CBA.. Place your check for 160 USD in the mail or better yet deliver it and the CBA board will grant you a conditional CBA Learners Permit..

What does the CBA license plate frame look like? Pink I suppose :wubsmiley:

Nah.. pink is the color of hemorrhoids. CBA guyz and galz don't sit long enough to get them..

Any bonus points for trailering? I am so all over this..............

Rad... what to do with you? CHARTER MEMBERSHIP to Rad!

 

[OrangevaleFJR]

Andrew, you are so kicked out of the CBA.. Place your check for 160 USD in the mail or better yet deliver it and the CBA board will grant you a conditional CBA Learners Permit..

So...if 160 is the max, there is no late fee right? I'll send it "sometime" later B)

 

[Fencer]

Do you all give out a free tube of Preparation H upon joining?

No this is CANDY butt. You get a free jawbreaker.

I think I will have to give the CBA a miss at this time. The reason?

If you have a candy ***, just any ol body can come up and eat it. I just ain't ready for that

 

[dcarver]

Looks like we have another CBA failure.. unless of course 160 USD is posted to the CBA kitty!!

(PM posted with prior approval)..

----------

Mr. Carver,

I would like to submit my documentation for my first attempted Candy Butt Association ride. If my understanding of the club is that you get kicked out if you ride more than 100 miles in one day.....well then I failed spectacularly.

Knowing that the CBA was a kernel of an idea at WFO I don't want to post this and rain on something.....so here's my account via PM. If you like it, perhaps I can post it for the rest of the CBA members to see and learn from as a poster child of what not to do.

Also, I hope you will take my word for it, but I do have substantial documentation to prove it if needed.

10:00 Sunday. 34914, 0 miles. Signatures from Rogue and another person that I was in the parking lot.

10:28. 34918, 4 miles. Gassed in Reno. Excited about only having a maximum of 96 more miles for the day to ride.

11:00. North of Reno somewhere. CHP radars me, but weirdly I'm doing the speed limit or less. This is the right thing to happen in a CBA ride.

12:53. 35089, 175 miles. Oops. Everything goes to Hell. I'm over the limit in Alturas and it's less than 3 hours into the day. I go to the Black Bear Diner for a long lunch and ponder the error of my ways. The waitress apologizes for a long wait on food, but I tell her not to worry. I figure an hour lunch might redeem my failure in some futile way.

14:45. 35142, 227 miles. Still over, but I spot an FJR in Lakeview and stop. Folks from my area. I linger 15 minutes as they eat their meal. Seems they're riding to John Day and staying that evening. Must feel weird to ride over 100 miles in a day. Certainly not for me. It would take me days to get to John Day.

18:06. 35352, 437 miles. Oops! I've totally screwed up now. Somehow, I'm in John Day! I stop at McDonald's for a cherry pie and lament my miserable failure with my first CBA ride. I ponder staying in this charming town for 4 nights to try and make up for it, but ride for some inexplicable reason.

20:13. 35483, 569 miles. Bike needs gas which is odd since I should have 6 days worth at CBA rates. Demoralized, I instead cry to the 19 year old gas station attendant how I'm going to have to sell my HID lights to pay for membership back into the CBA. He seems as confused as I am freaked out.

21:23. 35563, 649 miles. Back home now and I beging flogging myself with a whip. How will I ever show my face in the CBA again?

Mr. Carver,

At this point I couldn't afford to be let back in, so hoping that you just instead go ahead and create a class of riders in the CBA called "Banned For Life". I would wear this scarlet letter with pride.

Thank you for your consideration.

Candy Butt Flunkee

Matt Watkins

cc: Warchild

slapnpop

Rogue

 

[trimmantom]

I think we need an administrator to immediately move this thread to the joke section.

This is a travesty to all the faithful IBA dudes. Holy **** carver, you really put a lot of thought into this candy butt thing didn't you. It's hilarious as hell,you missed your calling dude.

You should be a writer of fiction novels raking in millions brother.I look foward to your next endever.

This is some seriously funny stuff.It made my day!!!!!!

 

[velvet fog]

What does the CBA license plate frame look like? Pink I suppose :wubsmiley:

Nah.. pink is the color of hemorrhoids. CBA guyz and galz don't sit long enough to get them..

I was thinking of pink cotton candy, butt (bad pun!) you have a point with the 'roids. How about baby blue?

 

[dcarver]

Do you all give out a free tube of Preparation H upon joining?

No this is CANDY butt. You get a free jawbreaker.

I think I will have to give the CBA a miss at this time. The reason?

If you have a candy ***, just any ol body can come up and eat it. I just ain't ready for that

Nahh.. Fencer... it ain't the candy *** that have folks chewing on ya... it's the Milk Bone underwear...

 

[turbodave_98]

Dan

You know I one of your most VINTAGE ADMIRERS and I want to be a part of CBA but I will have to change my riding ways. When I get on ANY of my bikes, its like *** with me, I never know if it is my LAST RIDE so I keep on GOIN & GOIN & GOIN, just like the PINK BUNNY that does commercials.

Good luck with the ASSociation

Sincerely,

TurboDave

 

[killers88gt]

just like the PINK BUNNY that does commercials.

There you go! There's your CBA sigul! :lol:

 

[Rickster]

Your idea of a fantastic day is < 10 hours in the saddle and < 400 miles traveled because you were lollygagging, poser sniffing, eating and talking.

I was all ready to paypal my 5 bucks until i read the part about sniffing posers.

now -- I've never seen a hot female poser -- and if you stop and sniff, you'll probably get a black eye.

.... every poser I've seen were dudes with fresh leather, new bike, and limited skills -- i am not going to sniff any of them. :glare:

If this one rule is eliminated -- i may join.

 

[user 213]

Fess up dcarver, the Canadian Automobile Assoc. sent you a nasty letter full of large legal words threatening, well something bad, (hey, it was in Canadian, so how bad could it be?), unless you changed the name of your new association, didn't they? I'm betting once you explained things to them, and the fact that you were a Candy Butt yourself, they knew you'd cave and change things. :lol:

Turbo Dave rides like it's his last time having ***? :dribble: Well, that does explain the fasination with covers and lubrication.........

While this all sounds ok now, I think I'll just wait for the first big blow out, then pay my $5 the day of the event, party long and hard, then let my membership go until the next year. :yahoo:

 

[UweRoss]

IBA and CBA are not necessarily incompatible. For example one could do this supposedly "Xtreme" IBA ride without violating the CBA rules.

Streets and Trips claims 5530 miles from Deadhorse to Key West. Divided by 30 days, that's ~185 miles per day.

Since I'm not into sleep deprivation, this is one of the few IBA rides other than a simple SS1000 that holds any appeal to me. The other one is the National Parks Tour, which could also easily be done without violating CBA rules.

Now where do I send my $5?

-Uwe-