Dave Barry's Super Bowl party tips

[Mizz Bustanut]

Everything you need for a perfect Super Bowl bash:

Beer. You should have a lot of beer, in case the game is hideously boring. Call up your guests and ask what kind they prefer. If they say “light” beer, you should tell them they are no longer invited, because you are NOT going to have light beer if you want me to show up.

Chips. This is the SUPER BOWL, baby. It demands dangerous potato chips, chips so full of harmful substances that they sometimes spontaneously burst into flames. Also, there is no need get all Martha Stewart-y and put chips into bowls. Each guest should have a bag so people don’t have to reach for the bowl, which can lead to exertion.

No vegetables. Scientists believe vegetables are the result of something called “photosynthesis.” We do not know enough about this yet to risk ruining your Super Bowl party.

A TV set. Not totally necessary, if you have enough beer.

 

[odot]

Bored, sheila?

 

[FarWestFastEddie]

Sounds like Superbowl Tips from someone who is not a football fan.

So, let me forward some worthwhile tips from somebody who has participated and held Super Superbowl Parties since 1976.

Guests, only football fans allowed, non football fans are permitted -IF- they are smoking hot babes and THEY KEEP THEIR YAPS SHUT and fetch beer.

Wives are tolerated -IF- they prepare food and then leave for some shopping draggimg the next group with them.

Whiney *** kids, NOT ALLOWED

Strippers, they make the post party a success, make them wait on the lawn until the game is over, lap dances allowed during half time only.

Food, only the best will do, Everything from chili to ribs, hotdogs to barbequed fresh oysters.

Beverages, Lots of this, Beer, imported, domestic and best of all Homebrew! Grey Goose Vodka, Scotch, Irish Whiskey

Audible/sounds, since the TV broadcasters have a tendancy to be Dallas Cowboy asskissers, turn the TV sound off, use the radio, or, if possible, use the SAP for spanish, makes the game rock.

Drugs, though now legal in some states, not advised, you will forget who is playing and start rooting for Dallas, and that will get your *** kicked.

Go Niners! Dallas Sucks, Baltimore Thugs Suck

your not too biased Superbowl Reporter,

FWFE

 

[FJRay]

I think I'd rather plow snow.

Watching a bunch of overpaid whiney brats run into each other doesn't work.

There that should get me banned from somewhere.

 

[odot]

Yer just jealous you don't have professional........anything in oregon. No, the ducks don't count.....and you guys say willamette funny.

 

[kamal]

Ummm.......excuse me. What's a Super Bowl?

Sorry.

Al

(a polite Canuck)

 

[SacramentoMike]

No time to comment now. Leaving for Eddie's place.

 

[FJRay]

Yer just jealous you don't have professional........anything in oregon. No, the ducks don't count.....and you guys say willamette funny.

And You're moving here.

I'll have you know I'm a professional but I can't seem to remember what. Must have been all the drugs and alcohol in my youth.

 

[Fontanaman]

Everything you need for a perfect Super Bowl bash:
........

A TV set and husband. Not totally necessary, if you have enough beer.

Fixed it for ya.....

 

[redtail]

Sounds like Superbowl Tips from someone who is not a football fan.
So, let me forward some worthwhile tips from somebody who has participated and held Super Superbowl Parties since 1976.

Guests, only football fans allowed, non football fans are permitted -IF- they are smoking hot babes and THEY KEEP THEIR YAPS SHUT and fetch beer.

Wives are tolerated -IF- they prepare food and then leave for some shopping draggimg the next group with them.

Whiney *** kids, NOT ALLOWED

Strippers, they make the post party a success, make them wait on the lawn until the game is over, lap dances allowed during half time only.

Food, only the best will do, Everything from chili to ribs, hotdogs to barbequed fresh oysters.

Beverages, Lots of this, Beer, imported, domestic and best of all Homebrew! Grey Goose Vodka, Scotch, Irish Whiskey

Audible/sounds, since the TV broadcasters have a tendancy to be Dallas Cowboy asskissers, turn the TV sound off, use the radio, or, if possible, use the SAP for spanish, makes the game rock.

Drugs, though now legal in some states, not advised, you will forget who is playing and start rooting for Dallas, and that will get your *** kicked.

Go Niners! Dallas Sucks, Baltimore Thugs Suck

your not too biased Superbowl Reporter,

FWFE

PM sent for address

 

[Bugnatr]

Sounds like Superbowl Tips from someone who is not a football fan.
So, let me forward some worthwhile tips from somebody who has participated and held Super Superbowl Parties since 1976.

Guests, only football fans allowed, non football fans are permitted -IF- they are smoking hot babes and THEY KEEP THEIR YAPS SHUT and fetch beer.

Wives are tolerated -IF- they prepare food and then leave for some shopping draggimg the next group with them.

Whiney *** kids, NOT ALLOWED

Strippers, they make the post party a success, make them wait on the lawn until the game is over, lap dances allowed during half time only.

Food, only the best will do, Everything from chili to ribs, hotdogs to barbequed fresh oysters.

Beverages, Lots of this, Beer, imported, domestic and best of all Homebrew! Grey Goose Vodka, Scotch, Irish Whiskey

Audible/sounds, since the TV broadcasters have a tendancy to be Dallas Cowboy asskissers, turn the TV sound off, use the radio, or, if possible, use the SAP for spanish, makes the game rock.

Drugs, though now legal in some states, not advised, you will forget who is playing and start rooting for Dallas, and that will get your *** kicked.

Go Niners! Dallas Sucks, Baltimore Thugs Suck

your not too biased Superbowl Reporter,

FWFE

PM sent for address

He's easy to find just look for the strippers in the front yard.

 

[Bustanut joker]

Dougie I'm the Bashful type...........

I only get naked in the backyard.

 

[Bugnatr]

Dougie I'm the Bashful type...........
I only get naked in the backyard pasture.

Fixed it for you Bust.

Go Forty ******* Niners!

 

[odot]

Baltymore? Baltymore?

 

[Falko]

Ummm.......excuse me. What's a Super Bowl?
Sorry.

Al

(a polite Canuck)

The Superbowl is the world championship of real football. Of course, we only invite teams from our country...

 

[yamafitter]

Around here it is referred to as the "Stupidbowl".

The part that really sucks is that the Canadian cable providers are allowed the replace all the good ads with ones from Canadian Tire and Tim Hortons which makes the whole show that much more boring.

Fortunately I'll be able to turn into the "Footy Show" instead and watch Man U play some real football. You know............... the game the rest of the world plays where the ball is actually kicked with the foot most of the time.

Why is it the "Stupidbowl". Anyone willing to part with $4 Million for 30 seconds of ad time pretty much defines stupid.

 

[fljab]

Drugs, though now legal in some states, not advised, you will forget who is playing and start rooting for Dallas, and that will get your *** kicked.

Go Niners! Dallas Sucks, Baltimore Thugs Suck

your not too biased Superbowl Reporter,

FWFE

So...this SB has the 49rs, Dallas, AND Baltimore playing??? Wow, I gotta watch!

 

[Surly]

Ummm.......excuse me. What's a Super Bowl?
Sorry.

Al

(a polite Canuck)

The Superbowl is the world championship of real football. Of course, we only invite teams from our country...

Hi All,

is this "Super Bowl" thingy just for you stirrers?

Best regards

Surly

Aussie, Aussie, Aussie!

 

[Bustanut joker]

Go bite a roos arse Surly.. The NFL is the place where girlish bois get paid huge sums of cash to sit the bench healing hangnails and the like.

That euro football is mean! Gosh golly, a guy might get cut or even his nose bloodied!

Yer nuttin but a bunch of bloodthirsty barbarians..