mcatrophy
Privileged to ride a 2018 FJR1300AS
I feel morally obliged to comment on your post, which echoes others' comments.mca,
Much like RFH and a plethora of others I've followed this thread and where I felt appropriate posted what I could. I must say this has been one of the most difficult threads to read and after a point I had to step away from it, at least while I was at work. I, too have been unable to read this without shedding some tears. I'd like to think that grief shared is grief spared and with that being the case I can only imagine the amount of that load we've all helped spare you. We may never get the chance to meet in real life and I truly believe the loss is mine. You're obviously a man of character and to have been granted the number of years you had with a great woman and a true love is something we can all only hope to be given in this life.
I hope you can regain the joy of riding. I think in time you will.
Take care and be well. Thank you for all you've given all of us. Even the tears.
I realise I've put a great deal of my heart ache into this thread, many of you have picked up on this, and have been affected by it. There have been other threads in this forum that have dealt with people's losses, I've read some of them and been affected myself, so I am aware of this. I also know that, as readers, we get somewhat hooked on stories that can be emotionally difficult, so to simply say "If you don't like it, don't read it" doesn't really cut it.
Why did I start this thread? Well, I never realised how much I would be affected by these events. She's had major operations before; always these come with a risk. Always I've thought to myself, "How will I cope if she doesn't come out alive?" And I've always answered "I'll just get on with it." But, when faced with the reality, its effects on me have been way beyond anything I could have imagined. I felt the need to scream at someone..
Then, I suppose I don't know anyone on whom I could unload my thoughts and fears. All our family and friends have been badly affected, I didn't want to add my suffering to theirs. There's no way I could tell a stranger, even if they came with a "councillor" tag. And, having started the thread, it's been difficult for me to stop (even if you'd let me - I've been prompted for news when there's been a lull).
I'll add that I've spent a lot of time over writing each posting. Most have been re-written several times, partly because I've found it difficult to put my thoughts into words, partly because, as I've been writing, my thoughts have been clarified, so need a change in what I've written. [edit] also because I've sometimes been too overcome to continue, had to come back after a break. But see "edit" comment
Overall, has it helped me? I'm sure it has. It's impossible to know by how much, but I suspect quite a lot. It's enabled me to clarify my thinking, even helped with preparing for the final outcome. Some of the comments made here have certainly altered my thinking, mostly for the better. I can't say I have agreed with all of them (I don't think anyone would expect me to), but I do really appreciate every single contribution.
Am I getting over it? Maybe a little. But, I'm welling up just writing this. Words like "the final outcome", although a euphemism, still mean her death. At night, I still find myself waking up and moving an arm or a leg looking for that familiar warmth on the other side of the bed. If I've been out, I come back to the house, open the door, and sometimes have to stop myself calling out "hello" into the emptiness.
There's no doubt that we are improving, but it's obviously going to take a long time.
Once again I thank you all for your thoughts and contributions.
As I posted before, the head knows this, the heart is taking a bit of time to catch up.She wants you to go on, ... Is this not the same as you would wish her out of love?
So, for putting all of you through this, I truly apologise, it's been very unfair of me, but thank you.
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