"I want you to enjoy your bike."

[HotRodZilla]

Wow Mac. Of all the words I would use to describe you throughout this thread, "wimp" would not be one of them. Because I'm much younger than you, I've only had two major losses. One was my dad and the other was my very good friend who was murdered at work. When I was typing about my dad here, it was hard to see the screen past my tears. When I was reading your posts, I imagined you were going through the same thing. Pushing through that and getting your feelings out is absolutely not something a wimp does.

You lost the love of your life, and even though your world gradually changed as her health declined, it suddenly changed the day she passed. Many people, a huge number of them cannot cope with that. It is debilitating and overwhelming. There are hundreds of unhealthy ways to deal with that loss. There are also healthy ways, and you took that route. You dealt with what you have as you find your new normal. You used us as a sounding board, and I hope we came through. A few of your posts and pictures made me cry and I know I'm not the only one. If someone is a sociopath they don't feel it. If they are a wimp, they don't deal with it. It is the strong people that return to their lives and manage their loss. You have done that as well or better than anyone could or should have.

As far as the feelings towards death, I think that's normal, or at least I hope it is. I have never liked funerals. But now, like you, even someone dealing with that loss in a movie wells me up. Going to a funeral just makes me SAD. The trial for the piece of trash that murdered Dan started last week. I should be going. I cannot. I cannot bring myself to go in there. I should be there to support Dan's wife, who is also my friend, but I'm just wrecked. It is my current response that makes me the actual wimp. I should man up and walk in there and let that guy know that if he ever makes his way out of prison, I'll snatch his life. That will have to wait for next week.

You're a strong man, Mac. We all know it. You should never doubt it.

 

[mcatrophy]

I'm finding writing some sort of reply very difficult, started half a dozen times, and each time I am unable to express what I want to.

Once again I am somewhat overwhelmed by all your support, it's very difficult to know how to acknowledge it, so a simple "Thank you all" will have to do.

...
As far as the feelings towards death, I think that's normal, or at least I hope it is. I have never liked funerals. But now, like you, even someone dealing with that loss in a movie wells me up. Going to a funeral just makes me SAD. The trial for the piece of trash that murdered Dan started last week. I should be going. I cannot. I cannot bring myself to go in there. I should be there to support Dan's wife, who is also my friend, but I'm just wrecked. It is my current response that makes me the actual wimp. I should man up and walk in there and let that guy know that if he ever makes his way out of prison, I'll snatch his life. That will have to wait for next week.
...

HRZ, I don't know how to help you in dealing with your friend's death and the court case. I've never been in a criminal court, the nearest was when my Better Half was called on to do jury service in a murder trial. She was very conscientious about not discussing it during the week or so it went on for, and afterwards was obviously affected by the proceedings. When it was over, she still wouldn't discuss it, other than to say the accused was clearly guilty. I think she wanted to put it out of her mind. And that was (obviously) with the involved people unknown to her.

Oh, if the accused does walk, make sure you don't get caught. No sense in you being incarcerated, you can't help anybody from there!

 

[Bugs]

Hi mcatrophy, I’m a recent member of this forum and just finished reading through this thread. I want to add my condolences. As others have said, I, too, found this read to be cathartic. If we live long enough, we lose those close to us. When it happens, I’ve found there is very little that can be said to significantly lessen the pain. Seems it's true that only time can do that. We never fully recover – we become changed. We move forward with the loss as a new part of who we are. I am glad to hear you are becoming able to move forward.

My wife and I lost her parents one year ago – they passed within 3 weeks of each other. During their joint memorial service, the highlight for me was my 4-year old grandson’s participation. My in-laws were Catholic, and my grandson’s family are Protestant, so when they participated in the Communion sacrament, my grandson Isaac had been duly coached by his father to walk up to the Priest with his arms folded across his chest to receive a blessing. When the time came, Isaac walked up and stopped in front of Father Len with his arms dutifully crossed and a pious look on his face. The father reached out with an open palm over Isaac’s head to give him the blessing. Isaac saw this and burst into a huge grin. He pulled his right arm back and with a huge windup gave the Father a big high-five. The Padre rolled with it and with a smile on his face finished the blessing.

Sending thoughts and prayers. Ride safe.

 

[mcatrophy]

Well, it's exactly two years ago that we lost her.

By coincidence, I had an appointment to see a cardiologist today. This is a regular checkup for a prolapsed mitral valve that we've known about since 2007, when it was discovered by accident. Every year since then it's been monitored and found to be no worse.

This time, I don't know if it is worse, however, the consultant said he thought it needed repairing, and better sooner rather than later. A couple more tests to do, each requiring me in for a day, then possible open heart surgery.

Bugger. Four years ago, I would have had someone who could look after me after an operation (ok, I would have got no sympathy whatsoever, but she would have looked after me), now things are a bit less convenient.

Oh, well. If it's got to be done ...

 

[SwollenRaccoon]

Good luck. Do what your doctor tells you. I hope the surgery is wildly successful. You deserve it to be.

 

[Uncle Hud]

Fingers crossed and good vibes beaming across the pond, my friend.

 

[wnyfjr]

Keep us posted and we can again do the remote support thing in full force!! It's what we do for family (even those we've only "met" on the interwebs).

 

[Full House]

Keep us posted and we can again do the remote support thing in full force!! It's what we do for family (even those we've only "met" on the interwebs).

+1 , may all go extremely well with you.

 

[gregory]

JUJU sent!

We could probably Uber you some bangers and mash...….

 

[BkerChuck]

Keeping you in my thoughts once more. Hoping the next posting I read is good news.

 

[FJRPittsburgh]

I feel bad for never reading this thread ever. I read though every page and it touched me deeply as I'm sure it touched everyone. Sorry I wasn't one to show you my support through your trying time. You're a good man Mac. I'll be keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. Healing thoughts sent your way.

 

[dcarver]

All I gotta say is if Mac is a 'wimp' I'm a blubbery protoplasm of jelly kneed wet eyeballs.

 

[mcatrophy]

Three years on.

It’s a year since I last posted here, three years ago today since we lost her, another three months since her first diagnosable symptoms, probably another year before that for symptoms that didn’t lead to a diagnosis (cholangiocarcinoma is apparently very difficult to diagnose).

Thought I'd give what will probably be the last update.

Does time heal? No, not in my experience, but the effects of the wound diminish. After all, the half of me that had been with me for nearly fifty years, and now cut away, is bound to leave a bit of a scar. I still have occasions when I feel overwhelmed by the loss, but at least I can generally control them. I can’t say that life is good, but it’s not as bad as it was.

Covid-19 comes along and has its input. My heart operation is on hold - I was phoned up by the surgeon, “We are still doing serious and emergency operations. Are your symptoms severe?” Well, no, they aren’t. So I have no idea when that might happen. I am still getting hospital appointments for ongoing glaucoma, I am losing some vision in at least one eye. Not really the subjects of this thread, but they all add to life’s uncertainties. Incidentally, talking of Covid-19 and all those extra deaths, I do feel far more for the families of all those losing people than I would have done before my own experience of loss. 

Motorcycling? Almost totally on hold. No pleasure rides are currently allowed. I can legally go shopping, but Daughter has told me I am not to. “I don’t want to be clearing your house out.” Well, she and Son will have to do it at some time, but I didn’t say that. So the bike stays in the garage, though I will use it for my next hospital eye appointment, possibly for occasional click & collect shopping.  Had some tours booked for this year, one in Spain (was to have started this Friday), two in Scotland. Spain is definitely off, one of the Scotland ones (August) extremely unlikely, and the other (September) very doubtful. 

So I have been doing some house maintenance, jobs I’d let slide for quite a long time. This does fill some of the hours of the day. Talking of filling the hours, I still can’t listen to music nor read like I used to, somehow these are no longer pleasurable. So I spend my time with less constructive stuff. Doing puzzles in the newspaper led me to writing a couple of solving aids for word search and codeword puzzles. (For the time-wasters among you, go from here: mcatrophy's solvers). Perhaps not the best use of time, but at least it stirs a bit of my turgid brain.

Other than tea and coffee, I’ve not taken up serious drinking. Could easily have done so, but I knew She would not have liked me to do it. And, yes, she still has a huge influence on my life (though I have sneaked a computer into the sitting-room, that was a no-no). I will be having a glass (or two) of her favourite wine this evening.

I have heard it said by some psychologist that anyone whose grief lasts beyond six months is mentally ill. Ok, I’m mentally ill. And I have no desire to be cured, the only way to stop my grief would be to forget her, and that I do not want to do.

I keep saying to myself "It's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all", but that doesn't help. 

No, I am not depressed as such. Just very sorry that things turned out the way they did. That, as they say, is Life.

2009, Egypt.



I remember thinking at the time I took this picture, "I hope she doesn't get abducted if she goes round the corner". Fortunately, on this occasion, she came back to me.

This thread, and the people who have responded to it, have certainly helped me during this time. It's impossible to know by how much, of course, but once again thank you all for your thoughts and good wishes.

Hug those you love (social distancing permitting, of course).

 

[hppants]

I would submit two things for your consideration.  i don't presume to be holier than thou, just two random thoughts that popped into my head as I read your latest post, and thought about the 14 previous pages that got you here:

1.  In the context of your perspective, you will NEVER be "healed", fully.  However, you acknowledge that some healing has occurred and i encourage you to embrace whatever amount that is in a positive light.  As an infinitely less important example - I'm relented to accept that my back will never be what it was just a few years ago.  Age, mileage, and perhaps most importantly, stupidity has taken its toll.  300 pound squats are off the table.  There are some things I simply cannot do.  I've got to use the power of leverage and other tools to transfer loads away from the muscles just north of my fat ass.  And I've got to use other tools including exercises, stretches, drugs, and shampoo to address flare ups when they occur.  But I'm managing it and I'm FAR better with it than I'd be without it.  Surely, you have found your tools to help your lifting, and temporarily or otherwise, ease your flare-ups.  Use those tools to your advantage, and know that your wife would be very proud of you in that regard.

2.  Ride your motorcycle.  Don't go rogue and purchase a colored vest or anything, but within the confines of your ability to do so, ride the bike.  Run errands.  I hear that grocery store about 150 miles from your house has those wonderful pastries that you just can't seem to find in your town.  And I know I write for all of us when I state unequivocally that you really NEED some of those pastries.  They are essential to your well being.  Absolutely essential.  And since you are on the bike anyway on a mission for these essential supplies, why not enjoy the ride?  Why not lower the windscreen just a smidge and feel (REALLY feel) the wind?  Why not concentrate on the wonderous vibrations transferred from that delightful powerplant to the handlebars and then again to your gloves and your hands?  Why not take that slightly longer route on the curvy/twisty road that you know and love to get to the grocery?  After all, surely the traffic is jammed on the straight highway and those "Loris" can't always see you in their blindspot.  Why not allow that motorcycle do what it's supposed to do - force you to concentrate on the ride?  Force you to focus 100% in the moment.  Force you to immerse all of your senses (including your rarely used 6th sense) into the NOW, and by definition, leave very little space in your mind for the "before".  Indeed, why not?

Regardless, you've made a timely post for me, my friend from the other side of the pond.  I've got a phone call to make today.  Thanks for the heart felt reminder.

 

[PhatAir4Me]

I slipped quietly out of bed and put my slippers and robe on so as to not awake my bride. I am working on a remodel design for a grocery store as there is not a lot of work in restaurants lately. This project has a short timeline for design so I wanted to get an early start.

I recently ticked a box in my profile that alerts me to this or that post on the forum and for what ever reason it somehow led me to this thread, this thread in this category of the forum I have never perused before. So much for the early start.

I just spent the last two hours reading this one thread which I must say set's the record for not only time but the profound effect it had on me. One part of me wishes I would have stumbled across it three years ago, I could have thrown my hat in the ring offering support and condolences and the selfish part feels it would have been easier to consume as it developed rather than as a condensed consomme eaten at one sitting. The desire to reach out even as you have informed this is likely your "last update" could not be overcome.

You have taken me on a journey, a journey of love, perspective, innermost thoughts, of life and of death and for that I thank you.

Why was I led here, on this day, who knows. Do I wish to punctuate my words with the magic bullet that provides that aha moment, sure, is it likely, not very. Many have come before me offering support and some of the more outspoken have reflected on your wife's own words and the words you yourself used to start this thread "I want you to enjoy your bike". Honor this.

You enjoyed 47 years of a most amazing friendship. Looking at your photos you were well traveled and lived your partnership with fervor, many would be envious. As you have, continue to cherish the amazing times allowing those memories to blanket sorrow.

I'll tell you what, flag down the neighbor kid and give him a gas can and ask him to run and get you a tank of petrol, pour it in your bike in the confines of your garage, take a ride and upon your return you will have taken what we call the pandemic run for the hills. A little something to clear your mind and charge your soul.

 

[mcatrophy]

Five years today.. I got totally pissed. Never mind, she would have liked the wine.

Spain in a few days. Good night.

 

[CollingsBob]

Ride safe..

 

[JessieJim1]

Sorry to read that I give you my support

 

[mcatrophy]

Sorry to read that I give you my support

Thank you.

 

[CollingsBob]

Occasionally I re-read every post in this thread. Two things strike me ..the first is your wonderful ability to express yourself. I would be hobbled by emotion and grief.
I think that these collected writings would make a marvellous book that would be appreciated by others experiencing a similar journey.
In the meantime, go to Saltire Motorcycles in Edinburgh, ask for Callum - the owner, and see about trading your FJR in on a smaller bike. Tell him I sent you.
Bob Collings
Winnipeg

 

[mcatrophy]

Occasionally I re-read every post in this thread. Two things strike me ..the first is your wonderful ability to express yourself. I would be hobbled by emotion and grief.
I think that these collected writings would make a marvellous book that would be appreciated by others experiencing a similar journey.
In the meantime, go to Saltire Motorcycles in Edinburgh, ask for Callum - the owner, and see about trading your FJR in on a smaller bike. Tell him I sent you.
Bob Collings
Winnipeg

I, too, occasionally read through it. As for my expressing myself, it's the emotions that allow it. Never easy, but it helped me.

Have i got over her death? No. Don't think I ever will. I'm not sure I even want to, but that's getting a bit deep.

I appreciate your suggestion for a smaller bike, but I'm not changing, I shall stick with this one until I feel unsafe (or someone tells me I'm unsafe). I have some problems, mostly age-related (81 in August), that mean I won't be able to drive, let alone ride, in the not too distant future.

In any case, I've just fitted a new battery to the FJR, so I have to stick with it .