Happy Birthday to me! One year. Twelve months. Three hundred and sixty five days. It seems like yesterday and yet seems like forever.
Pity party, table of one. Yeah, I have those moments wishing I could turn back time, wanting my "old" body back, feeling sorry for myself and this "new" body I've inherited. Waa waa waa, boo fricking hoo, poor me. And I wallow in those moments upon occasion, maybe have a good cry... and then I force myself to remember where I was just one year ago or even six months ago... not even sure if I would live or walk again. To remember the myriad of surgeries and procedures and moments of feeling that my humanity had been stripped away and I was reduced to a pile of flesh and bones to be reconfigured... add in a good lightning storm and we might have a new version of Frankenstein in the works... it's ALIIIIVVVEEEE!!!! lol But ya know what? I'm still here.
I picked up a book that I had started long ago but never finished, Ghost Rider, by Neil Peart. I'm still reading it but there was a quote in the book that touched me deeply in explaining the loss that he felt upon losing his wife and daughter... he described how it was a physical ache, a "phantom pain - hurting for a piece of you that's been torn away." It sort of feels like that... I am truly blessed to still be here, walking, talking, laughing, loving... but something died last year... I can't put my finger on just what it is but that's what it feels like. But perhaps that part of me had to die in order for another part of me to be born.
There are still times when I still look skyward and ask "Why? WHY ME?!?" but, so far, I haven't received the Hollywood movie answer. So when I get frustrated and not knowing, not understanding WHY this had to happen and WHY it had to happen to me, I try to remember to release and believe... to have faith that it is there for a reason and that the days ahead will reveal the answers. I am grateful to know that there have been many who have said their lives have been impacted by my experience in positive ways... reassessing, reassuring, reminding, rethinking, remembering. It gives me strength to keep moving forward.
I watched a movie that my sister-from-another-mother, Barb, sent down to me from Canada called "One Week"... a story about a young man who is given a terminal cancer diagnosis and, on a whim, purchases a motorcycle and goes on the road to experience life, leaving everything behind... trying to find an answer. Along the way, he crosses paths with people who he affects and brings changes to them because of him without even knowing it... and I embrace that thought... that there is someone, many someones, that I know, and some that I have no idea that have been affected by my experience and story, that has caused some sort of change in their lives... a lovely friend, Anel, told me of her friend in South Africa who had been hit by a truck and experienced a broken pelvis and told she would never walk again... Anel sent her my CB link... I was told that her friend read my story and was inspired by it… she took her first step shortly thereafter... that made my heart smile big time!
So each and every day, if I get kinda low, I focus on one basic and simple, yet very important, fact that kind of sums everything up... I can wipe my own butt. Now, this may not seem like a big deal or revelation to many of you but when you've been flat on your back in a hospital bed for three months, wondering if you would ever walk again, not being able to do the simplest of body functions on your own, to be able to get up in the middle of the night, walk to the bathroom to do your business, and wipe your own butt is a big deal and very much appreciated. May sound silly but there it is.
We get so caught up in the "big" things that we forget to appreciate the very simplest of things in our lives that we take for granted - walking, talking, laughing, hugging, thinking, and going to the bathroom on our own power. I have a plaque hanging in my room that I look at every morning as I get ready to go work that says "Put on your big girl panties and deal with it." It was given to me by one of my motorcycle family members, MadMike (he's not really mad... maybe just a little nuts), and it was given with love so it makes me smile and I take a deep breath, pull my shoulders back, and "suck it up, tough it out, and do the best I can" (quote courtesy of another motorcycle friend, Mike... I know too many Mikes!).
I also close my eyes and remember the faces of my beloved family and friends, as well as the angel EMTs, doctors, and nurses who I have the honor of calling friends now, who have been through it all with me... who encouraged me, lifted me up, let me sob on their shoulders, snuck in food, sent me cards, made me laugh through the pain, and helped me take the step to the next day. I tried to explain the connection that I felt/saw through all of this to a dear theatre friend, Doug, at a reunion of theater folks that I have had the great honor to perform with for the past three decades. It is a gossamer thread that binds us together... it may seem fragile but it is stronger than anything I can describe... it connects us together and allows us to share each of our spirit and energy with one another... and it was a deciding factor in my recovery... whether a thought, a prayer, a dance, a wish... every single one of those threads touched me and has bound me to each and every one of you (and vice versa) whether we have ever met or not. And I am SO grateful for those threads and connections!
Serendipity. The group that I was traveling to meet in Wyoming last year is doing the trip again this year and I will be meeting them there, via plane, next week. It took me a year to get there but I'm going dammit! I just received a message from my sister, Jaime, who is on her way to Mt. Shasta today... seems that she came across the group in Corning as they were beginning their journey to Wyoming... today of all days they come together again by the grace of the gods. So it seems a good omen for them all that their travels will be safe and we will be able to share the joys of this thing we call life. So today, I will celebrate by watching the sunrise and feeling those gossamer threads connected to me and sending back as much love and energy that I've received.
I looked up the ending quote to the movie mentioned above because the voice over said these words that just touched me and I share them with you as a parting thought:
“When you get those rare moments of clarity, those flashes when the universe makes sense, you try desperately to hold on to them. They are the life boats for the darker times, when the vastness of it all, the incomprehensible nature of life is completely illusive. So the question becomes, or should have been all along... What would you do if you knew you only had one day, or one week, or one month to live? What life boat would you grab on to? What secret would you tell? What band would you see? What exotic locale would you fly to for coffee? What book would you write? What person would you declare your love to? What wish would you fulfill?”
Live for today for it is truly all that we have. Savor each moment as much as you can. Take a moment in each day to feel gratitude - for anything no matter how small. Love the people in your life every day. Feel gratitude for being alive and being able to wipe your butt.
My recovery will continue and I know there will still be days filled with challenges but, with the help of those gossamer threads, I know I can do it. And I'm still here!
Pity party, table of one. Yeah, I have those moments wishing I could turn back time, wanting my "old" body back, feeling sorry for myself and this "new" body I've inherited. Waa waa waa, boo fricking hoo, poor me. And I wallow in those moments upon occasion, maybe have a good cry... and then I force myself to remember where I was just one year ago or even six months ago... not even sure if I would live or walk again. To remember the myriad of surgeries and procedures and moments of feeling that my humanity had been stripped away and I was reduced to a pile of flesh and bones to be reconfigured... add in a good lightning storm and we might have a new version of Frankenstein in the works... it's ALIIIIVVVEEEE!!!! lol But ya know what? I'm still here.
I picked up a book that I had started long ago but never finished, Ghost Rider, by Neil Peart. I'm still reading it but there was a quote in the book that touched me deeply in explaining the loss that he felt upon losing his wife and daughter... he described how it was a physical ache, a "phantom pain - hurting for a piece of you that's been torn away." It sort of feels like that... I am truly blessed to still be here, walking, talking, laughing, loving... but something died last year... I can't put my finger on just what it is but that's what it feels like. But perhaps that part of me had to die in order for another part of me to be born.
There are still times when I still look skyward and ask "Why? WHY ME?!?" but, so far, I haven't received the Hollywood movie answer. So when I get frustrated and not knowing, not understanding WHY this had to happen and WHY it had to happen to me, I try to remember to release and believe... to have faith that it is there for a reason and that the days ahead will reveal the answers. I am grateful to know that there have been many who have said their lives have been impacted by my experience in positive ways... reassessing, reassuring, reminding, rethinking, remembering. It gives me strength to keep moving forward.
I watched a movie that my sister-from-another-mother, Barb, sent down to me from Canada called "One Week"... a story about a young man who is given a terminal cancer diagnosis and, on a whim, purchases a motorcycle and goes on the road to experience life, leaving everything behind... trying to find an answer. Along the way, he crosses paths with people who he affects and brings changes to them because of him without even knowing it... and I embrace that thought... that there is someone, many someones, that I know, and some that I have no idea that have been affected by my experience and story, that has caused some sort of change in their lives... a lovely friend, Anel, told me of her friend in South Africa who had been hit by a truck and experienced a broken pelvis and told she would never walk again... Anel sent her my CB link... I was told that her friend read my story and was inspired by it… she took her first step shortly thereafter... that made my heart smile big time!
So each and every day, if I get kinda low, I focus on one basic and simple, yet very important, fact that kind of sums everything up... I can wipe my own butt. Now, this may not seem like a big deal or revelation to many of you but when you've been flat on your back in a hospital bed for three months, wondering if you would ever walk again, not being able to do the simplest of body functions on your own, to be able to get up in the middle of the night, walk to the bathroom to do your business, and wipe your own butt is a big deal and very much appreciated. May sound silly but there it is.
We get so caught up in the "big" things that we forget to appreciate the very simplest of things in our lives that we take for granted - walking, talking, laughing, hugging, thinking, and going to the bathroom on our own power. I have a plaque hanging in my room that I look at every morning as I get ready to go work that says "Put on your big girl panties and deal with it." It was given to me by one of my motorcycle family members, MadMike (he's not really mad... maybe just a little nuts), and it was given with love so it makes me smile and I take a deep breath, pull my shoulders back, and "suck it up, tough it out, and do the best I can" (quote courtesy of another motorcycle friend, Mike... I know too many Mikes!).
I also close my eyes and remember the faces of my beloved family and friends, as well as the angel EMTs, doctors, and nurses who I have the honor of calling friends now, who have been through it all with me... who encouraged me, lifted me up, let me sob on their shoulders, snuck in food, sent me cards, made me laugh through the pain, and helped me take the step to the next day. I tried to explain the connection that I felt/saw through all of this to a dear theatre friend, Doug, at a reunion of theater folks that I have had the great honor to perform with for the past three decades. It is a gossamer thread that binds us together... it may seem fragile but it is stronger than anything I can describe... it connects us together and allows us to share each of our spirit and energy with one another... and it was a deciding factor in my recovery... whether a thought, a prayer, a dance, a wish... every single one of those threads touched me and has bound me to each and every one of you (and vice versa) whether we have ever met or not. And I am SO grateful for those threads and connections!
Serendipity. The group that I was traveling to meet in Wyoming last year is doing the trip again this year and I will be meeting them there, via plane, next week. It took me a year to get there but I'm going dammit! I just received a message from my sister, Jaime, who is on her way to Mt. Shasta today... seems that she came across the group in Corning as they were beginning their journey to Wyoming... today of all days they come together again by the grace of the gods. So it seems a good omen for them all that their travels will be safe and we will be able to share the joys of this thing we call life. So today, I will celebrate by watching the sunrise and feeling those gossamer threads connected to me and sending back as much love and energy that I've received.
I looked up the ending quote to the movie mentioned above because the voice over said these words that just touched me and I share them with you as a parting thought:
“When you get those rare moments of clarity, those flashes when the universe makes sense, you try desperately to hold on to them. They are the life boats for the darker times, when the vastness of it all, the incomprehensible nature of life is completely illusive. So the question becomes, or should have been all along... What would you do if you knew you only had one day, or one week, or one month to live? What life boat would you grab on to? What secret would you tell? What band would you see? What exotic locale would you fly to for coffee? What book would you write? What person would you declare your love to? What wish would you fulfill?”
Live for today for it is truly all that we have. Savor each moment as much as you can. Take a moment in each day to feel gratitude - for anything no matter how small. Love the people in your life every day. Feel gratitude for being alive and being able to wipe your butt.
My recovery will continue and I know there will still be days filled with challenges but, with the help of those gossamer threads, I know I can do it. And I'm still here!
