The Taser

[FJR_pig]

Stun gun. ONLY A GUY WOULD DO THIS.

Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his lovely wife a "pocket Taser" for their anniversary submitted this...

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Toni. What I came across was a

100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety.... WAY TOO COOL! :thumbup:

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against flesh or a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

Awesome!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries, right?!!! :nono:

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really (and loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself, "no possible way!" :bb:

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it master," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. :blink: I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION )*((*)&)(#%)jld*(*#***!!! mg2:

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again :akido:. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs :dribble: . The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!"

Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative.

SON-OF-A-... that hurt like hell!!! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they up get there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs

. I'm still looking for my testicles. I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return.

 

[FJRocha]

That is just freaking hilarious!!! :rolf: :rolf:

 

[odot]

Damnit......for a minute there I thought he was going to taze the cat....have to go to the hospital for cat bites and what not. Love the story, though. :lol:

 

[Bustanut joker]

:help: I can't breathe, I can't see through the tears :rolf: :rolf: Oh man thats just too funny :lol: somehow I knew it wasn't going to be a one second nip! :clap:

Here's hopin Ya find your nuts before the cat does. :jerry:

:jester: :rolf:

 

[SpeedFreak]

That was just the greatest read I have had in the longest time. I am glad that you are ok.

But I can't believe you would test it on yourself. The things we do for our wives eh?

Course she must have loved the story as well.

Many many years ago I worked as a photocopier repair tech. In the copiers I worked on there were three "coronas". These are smaill wires that charge the drum that attracts the ink to transfer to the paper. The charge is about 125Kvolt's very little amp's.

A common symptom of broken copiers is when the copy comes out all black. This is usually because one of the corona's are not firing. So to troubleshoot you would unplug the connector from the corona at the the transformer and then place the connector close to the metal frame and look for spark, (like you would do to troubleshoot a bad sparkplug wire).

Well unfortunately a the pliers I was using had about 1/5 inch of insulation taken off. You guessed it, BAM!! right to my hand. Well I had no control of my actions and just whipped the pliers out of my hand by just shaking it real hard. Then I hear a loud scream. Puzzled I knew the scream was not coming from me. I looked up and saw the company secretary at her desk shimmering in panic. I looked above her and saw my pliers 6inches deep into the wall!!. Apparently when I shook them loose they went flying her way and missed hitting her in the head by about 2inches.

She was real cool about it afterwards but it sure did give her a good scare!

-=SF=-

 

[Rogue]

ROTFLMFAO!!! WAY TOO FUNNY!

 

[ahamlin01]

Thanks for the laugh - that is very funny - I kept thinking while I read that, that if I were in the same situation, that is something I would do too... just to try it, just to see what would happen. No way now!

 

[Shane]

Reminds me of a kid I used to work with (in surgery), who would stun himself in the face with the device that tells the Anesthetist if in fact the muscles are still paralyzed.

Funny, and kind of sad at the same time.

No, just funny, as long as it's happening to someone else :haha:

Shane

 

[NC_Yank]

Be thankful that you didnt buy a Glock .45 and feel the need to test that

against yourself.

:bleh:

Most guys would have never admitted it......definitely a Darwin Award is well deserving.

 

[bikerskier]

FJR Pig

I'm a little concerned that you may want to do that again just to get your nipples a-twitching. Better to not have an audience, tho. I'm not sure if folks would rush in to help you or fall to the ground splitting their guts with laughter.

You must have some other little stories of misguided experiments that you would like to share with us. Come on, fess up!

 

[bikerskier]

FJR pig

By the way, doesn't your line of work require some live demonstrations of Taser action?

 

[FJR_pig]

FJR pig By the way, doesn't your line of work require some live demonstrations of Taser action?

I don't work the road anymore, strictly a defective for the last 3 years. Went from the bimmer to that, actually.

 

[FJR_pig]

I think everyone is starting to think this was me - it's a joke I cut and pasted. Seriously. I mean it. Wasn't me. Truly. Honest. I've never even held a taser. Oh good grief, no one's going to believe me at this point...

 

[panthercity]

I knew it wasn't you, saw it a couple of years ago. But I didn't want to spoil the fun. A little more at Snopes.

 

[I'mAllIn]

You wuss.............!

I was in Hilton Head a few weeks back for a meeting. Six of us are staying at a buddy's house, right on the ocean. Well, long story short, we'd been playing golf that afternoon and consuming adult beverages. Then, we're laying by the pool. Next thing you know, it's about 9pm and we start talking about guns. A couple of us pull out our pieces - minus clips - and compare.

Jimmy (from FL - last name witheld to protect the innocent) whips out his new Taser he just bought for his wife. We then proceed to taze ourselves for shots to see who could last the longest. It seemed like a good idea at the time.

Holy S&*(........that hurts like hell. I lasted about 1.2 seconds, but it felt like an hour. As an aside, Aaron, all 6'8", 320lbs of him, could take it for about 4 seconds.

 

[Howardrg]

one of the best in a long time

Howard

 

[S76]

When MUCH younger, we used to play a game. You take a lamp cord and strip both wires and plug it in. We would all sit around a table and hold hands. The first person would hold one wire. The last person around the table would hold the other wire. You would get a mild tingly shock with about 6 people. Eventually someone would drop out. Then the five people would do it until someone droped out. Each time someone drops out the shock gets larger. Finally you get down to 2 people holding hands with each one holding one wire of the lamp cord and now your getting a pretty good hit. Finally there would be a winner. If you can call it that.

What were we thinking! :bigeyes:

 

[GAPS]

one for the arcives...a friggin beauty :lol: :lol: :lol:

 

[RonBB]

When MUCH younger, we used to play a game. You take a lamp cord and strip both wires and plug it in. We would all sit around a table and hold hands. The first person would hold one wire. The last person around the table would hold the other wire. You would get a mild tingly shock with about 6 people. Eventually someone would drop out. Then the five people would do it until someone droped out. Each time someone drops out the shock gets larger. Finally you get down to 2 people holding hands with each one holding one wire of the lamp cord and now your getting a pretty good hit. Finally there would be a winner. If you can call it that

Used to tie each end of the light cord to a nail then put a nail in each end of a hot dog to cook it when I was in college. Shouldn't touch the hot dog while it's plugged in though.