Woodpecker Joke

[Zorlac]

A Cajun walks into a bar with his pet alligator by his side, He puts the alligator up on the bar as He turns to the astonished patrons. "I'll make you a deal, I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my manhood inside.

Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. "Then he'll open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink."

The crowd murmured their approval and the man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his big unit and related parts in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped.

After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and smacked the Alligator hard on the top of its head and the gator opened his mouth, at which point the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered, and the first of his free drinks were delivered.

The man stood up again and made another offer.

"I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try." A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A Blonde woman timidly spoke up..........

"I'll try it - Just don't hit me so hard with the beer bottle!"

 

[Zorlac]

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss them in the air, and then catch them in his mouth In the middle of catching one, his wife asked him a question and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear.

He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper. He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to the hospital.

As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came Home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out.

The young man told the father to sit down, then proceeded To shove two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard.

When the father blew, the peanut flew out of his ear. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was nothing.

Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father and said, 'That's so wonderful! Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he grows older?'

The father replied, 'From the smell of his fingers, I'd say our son-in-law.'

 

[airboss]

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war party. The Indian Chief proclaims, "So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honor of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. But, before I kill you, I will grant you three requests.

What is your first request?'

The Lone Ranger responds, 'I'd like to speak to my horse.'

The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in Silver's ear and the horse gallops away.

Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back.

As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed.

'You have a very fine and loyal horse but I will still kill you in two days. What is your second request?'

The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear.

As before, Silver takes off across the plains and disappears over the horizon.

Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a brunette, even more attractive than the blonde. She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed.

'You are indeed a man of many talents but I still kill you tomorrow. 'What is your last request?'

The Lone Ranger responds, 'I'd like to speak to my horse....alone.'

The Chief is curious but he agrees and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent.

Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says,

'Listen very carefully you dumb ass horse. For the last time . . .. BRING POSSEEEE'

 

[Zorlac]

A lady walks into Tiffany's. She looks around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it.

As she bends over to look more closely, she unexpectedly farts.

Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed her little woops and prays that a sales

person was not anywhere near.

As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her..

Good looking as well.. Cool as a cucumber, he displays all of the qualities one

would expect of a professional in a store like Tiffany's.

He politely greets the lady with, 'Good day, Madam. How may we help you today? Blushing & uncomfortable, but still hoping that the salesman somehow missed her little 'incident', she asks,

'Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet?'

He answers, "Madam.. if you farted just looking at it - you're going to shit when I tell you the price."

 

[HotRodZilla]

Golf Accident

Two women were playing golf.

One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a

foursome of men playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together

at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.

'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could

relieve your pain if you'd allow me,' she told him.

'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man

replied.

He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his

hands together at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed

her to help.

She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his

pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage

for several long moments

and asked 'How does that feel?'

He replied, 'It feels great, but I still think

my thumb is broken!

 

[Zorlac]

A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology,when he turned to his wife and said, 'Honey, I bet you can't tell me something that will make me happy and sad at the same time.' She said, 'You have the biggest penis of all your friends.

 

[Zorlac]

At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit

the books of a synagogue.

While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said,

"I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle

drippings?"

"Good question", noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them back

to the candle makers,

and every now and then they send us a free box of candles."

"Oh, okay", replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his

unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way,

"What about all these biscuit purchases? What do you do with the

crumbs?"

"Ah, yes", replied the Rabbi, realizing that the inspector was trying

to trap him with an unanswerable question.

"We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every

now and then they send a free box of holy biscuits."

"I see!" replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could

fluster the know-it-all Rabbi.

"Well, Rabbi", he went on, "What do you do with all the leftover

foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"

"Here, too, we do not waste", answered the Rabbi. "We save up all

the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and once a year they send us a complete dick."

 

[zorkler]

Some good stuff Zorlac and i am sure your smokeing some good stuff too!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[Zorlac]

A married couple were on holiday in Jamaica . They were touring around

the market-place looking at the goods and such, when they passed a small

sandal shop.

From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say, 'You

foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop.'

So the married couple walked in.

The Jamaican said to them, 'I 'ave some special sandals I tink you

would be interested in. Dey makes you wild at sex..'

Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the

man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being

the Sex God that he was.

The husband asked the man, 'How could sandals make you a sex freak?'

The Jamaican replied, 'Just try dem on, Mon.'

Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in

and tried them on.

As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his

eyes, something his wife hadn't seen before!!

In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him over

the table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's thighs.

The Jamaican began screaming: 'You got dem on de wrong feet!'

 

[Zorlac]

A man and a woman were driving down the road, arguing

about his deplorable infidelity when suddenly the woman reached over and sliced

the man's penis off. Angrily, she tossed it out the car window.

Driving behind the couple was a man and his 6-year-old

daughter. The little girl was chatting away at her father when all of a sudden

the penis smacked their car windshield, stuck for a moment, then flew off.

Surprised, the daughter asked her father, 'Daddy, what the heck was that?'

Shocked, but not wanting to expose his little girl to anything sexual at such a young age, the father replied, 'It was only a bug, Honey.'

The daughter sat with a confused look on her face, and after a moment said..

'Sure had a big dick, didn't it?'

 

[Zorlac]

Three Hillbillies are hanging around shootin' the breeze.

1st Hillbilly says: 'My wife sure is stupid!...She bought an air conditioner. '

2nd Hillbilly says: 'Why is that stupid?'

1st Hillbilly says: 'We ain't got no 'lectricity!'

2nd Hillbilly says: 'That's nothin'! My wife is so stupid, she bought one of them new fangled warshin ' machines!'

1st Hillbilly says: 'Why is that so stupid?'

2nd Hillbilly says: ''Cause we ain't got no plummin'!'

3rd Hillbilly says: 'That ain't nuthin'! My wife is dumber than both yer

wifes put together! I was going through her purse the other day lookin' fer

some change, and I found 6 condoms in thar.'

1st and 2nd Hillbillies say: 'Well, what's so dumb about that?'

3rd Hillbilly says: 'She ain't got no pecker.

 

[Bandit12]

A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check. He marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."

The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter You'll have to drive around in his 2008 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips.

This is rather awkward to say but you will also have to, as part of your job assignment, satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive. A two-bedroom loft type apartment with plasma TV, stereo, bar, etc. located above the garage will be designated for your sole use and the salary is $200,000 a year."

The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bullshittin' me!"

The social worker said, "Yeah, well, you started it."

 

[HotRodZilla]

The Harley Doctor...

A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley-

Davidson when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop.

The surgeon was there, waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his bike. The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey, Doc, can I ask you a question?" The surgeon a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take valves out, fix 'em, put 'em back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?" The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic..

"Try doing it with the engine running."

 

[Zorlac]

A man, while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf

course became confused as to where he was on the course.

Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him.

He walked up to her, explained his confusion and asked her

if she knew what hole he was playing. 'I'm on the 7th hole,'

she replied, 'and you are a hole behind me. So you must be

on the 6th hole.'

He thanked her and went back to his golf.

On the back nine, the same thing happened and he approached

her again with the same request.

'I'm on number 14, and you're still a hole behind, so you

must be on the 13th hole.'

Once again he thanked her and returned to his play..

He finished his round and went to the clubhouse where he saw

the same lady sitting at the end of the bar. He asked the

bartender if he knew the lady. The bartender said that she

was a sales lady and played the course often.

He approached her and said, 'Let me buy you a drink in

appreciation for your help. I understand that you're in the

sales profession. I'm in sales also. What do you sell?'

'I'll tell you, but you're going to laugh,' she replied.

'No, I won't.'

'Well, if you must know,' she answered, 'I work for Tampax.'

With that, he laughed so hard he lost his balance and fell

off the bar stool.

'See,' she said. 'I knew you'd laugh!'

'That's not what I'm laughing at,' he replied, 'I'm a

salesman for Preparation H, so I'm still a hole behind you.

 

[Bandit12]

A little girl was walking home alone from school one day, when a big man on a black motorcycle pulls up beside her.

After following along her for awhile, he turns and asks, "Hey there girl, do you want to go for a ride?"

"NO!" says the little girl as she keeps on walking..

The motorcyclist again pulls up beside her and asks, "Hey little girl, I will give you $10 if you hop on the back."

"NO!" says the little girl again as she hurries down the street.

The motorcyclist pulls up beside the little girl again and says, "Okay kid, my last offer! I'll give you 20 bucks & a big bag of candy if you will just hop on the back of my bike and we will go for a ride."

Finally, the little girl stops and turns towards him and screams out....

"Look Dad - you're the one who bought the Harley instead of the FJR .....YOU CAN JUST RIDE IT BY YOURSELF!!!

 

[Zorlac]

A blonde drops off her shirt at the cleaners; the Asian lady says "come again". The blonde says "no it's toothpaste this time you nosey bitch"

A little known fact...

The first testicular guard "Cup" was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974.

It took 100 years for men to realize that the brain is also important.

 

[Zorlac]

One hot summer day, a redneck came to town with his dog, tied it under the

shade of a tree, and headed into the bar for a cold one.

Twenty minutes later, a policeman entered the bar and asked, 'Who owns the

female dog tied under that tree outside?' The redneck said it was his.

'Your dog seems to be in heat' the officer said.

The redneck replied, 'No way. She's cool 'cause she's tied up under that

shade tree.' The policeman said, 'No! You don't understand. Your dog

needs to be bred.' No way,' said the redneck. 'That dog don't need bread.

She ain't hungry 'cause I fed her this mornin'.

The exasperated policeman said, 'NO! You don't understand; your dog wants

to have sex'!

The redneck looked at the cop and said, 'Well, go ahead. I always wanted a

police dog.

 

[Zorlac]

Bubba liked to frequent the old swimming hole but was never able to

attract the girls.

He decided to ask his friend Billy-Bob for advice.

"It's those big baggy swimming trunks that make you look like an old

fool.. They're years outta style. Your best bet is to grab yourself a

pair of Speedos - about two sizes too little and drop a fist-sized tater

down inside them. I'm telling ya man...you'll have all the babes you

want!"

The following weekend, Bubba hits the swimming hole with his spanking

new tight Speedos, and his fist-sized potato. Everybody at the swimming

hole was disgusted as he walked by, covering their faces, turning away,

laughing, looking sick! Bubba went back to his buddy Billy-Bob and asked

him, "What's wrong now?"

"Lord-Almighty Bubba!" said Billy-Bob, "the tater goes in the front!"

 

[Zorlac]

A magician worked on a cruise ship. The audience was different each week, so the magician did the same tricks over and over again. One problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show:

"Look, it's not the same hat!"

"Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table."

"Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"

The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the captain's parrot.

The next day the ship sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the sea with, as fate would have it, the parrot. They stared at each other with hatred but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and then another and then another.

Finally on the fourth day, the parrot could not hold back:

"OK, I give up. Where's the damn ship?"

 

[HotRodZilla]

A Texas cowboy walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very

attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance then causally

looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks,

'Is your date running late?'

No', he replies, 'I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it.'

The intrigued woman says, 'a state-of-the-art watch?' 'What's so special

about it?'

The cowboy explains, 'It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.'

The lady says, 'What's it telling you now?'

Well, it says you're not wearing any panties.'

The woman giggles and replies 'Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!

The cowboy smiles, taps his watch and says, 'Damn thing's an hour fast.'