Woodpecker Joke

[Zorlac]

Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much luck until one day; he comes across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it.

The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition.

He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years..

'Well, it's quite simple, really,' says the seller, 'whenever the Bike is outside and it's gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain.'

And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.

That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents.. Naturally, they take the bike there

But just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, 'I have to tell you something about my family before we go in.'

'When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes.'

'No problem,' he says. And in they go.

Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes.

In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes..

They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word.

As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of

the situation.

So he leans over and kisses Sandra.

No one says a word.

So he reaches over and fondles her breasts.

Still, nobody says a word.

So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table, and screws her right there, in front of her parents.

His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.

He looks at her mom.

'She's got a great body,' he thinks. So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, and has his way with her every which way right there on the dinner table.

Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, but still, total silence.

All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain.

Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket....

Suddenly the father shouted....

‘OK OK, I’ll do the dishes’!!!

 

[ionbeam]

If you've ever worked for a boss who reacts before getting all the facts and thinking things through, you will love this!

Arcelor-Mittal Steel, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business. He asked the guy, "How much money do you make a week?"

A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, "I make $400 a week. Why?"

The CEO said, "Wait right here." He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes, and handed the guy $1,600 in cash and said, "Here's four weeks' pay. Now GET OUT and don't come back."

Feeling pretty good about himself the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?"

From across the room a voice said, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."

 

[Zorlac]

Towards the end of a round of golf, Dave hit his ball into the woods and found it in a patch of pretty, yellow buttercups..

Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch.

All of a sudden… POOF!!

In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared.

She said, 'I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups?

Just for doing what you have done, you won't have any butter for your popcorn for the rest of your life... better still, you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life.... As a matter of fact, you'll never have any butter for anything for the rest of your life!!!'

Then POOF!... she was gone!

After Dave recovered from the shock, he hollered for his friend, 'Fred, where are you?'

Fred yells back 'I'm over here in the ***** willows.'

Dave shouts back, 'DON'T SWING, Fred; FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DON'T SWING!!!'

 

[Spud]

The original version of that joke:

Kid heads out to the back property with some chicken wire--dad says "what the hell are you doing with that?" Kid says--I'm gonna get me a chicken. Kid comes back later with a chicken.

Later, Kid heads out to the back property with some duct tape--dad says "what the hell are you doing with that?" Kid says--I'm gonna get me a duck. Kid comes back later with a duck.

Later, Kid heads out to the back property with a stick in his hand--dad says "what the hell are you doing with that?" Kid says--It's a ***** willow..., Dad says "hang on boy, let me grab my hat--I'm coming this time!"

 

[Zorlac]

 

[airboss]

OMG, they're everywhere.

Once upon a time, one of my employees came to me with a speeding ticket and asked if I could do something about it.

Looked at the ticket, it was for 5 over, and she got it in a rural area, not much traffic.

Asked her to fill me in on the details and I would make a phone call to see if we could get something done.

seems she was late for work and was using the dash vents on her car to blow dry her hair.

Told her "sure I can do something, going to call the LEO that wrote the ticket and thank him for doing his job".

 

[RadioHowie]

Zippy....you're my hero!!!

 

[Zorlac]

Zippy....you're my hero!!

Yeah, it's been awhile, but the quality of jokes from my email posse has been rather poor, not meeting my comedic standards as it were.

 

[SacramentoMike]

That article on Megan Barnes and her unusual driving habits begs the question, "what does she look like?" ("Face that would stop a clock and play havoc with small watches.")

So I googled her. Here ya go. Whadda ya think?

 

[beemerdons]

That article on Megan Barnes and her unusual driving habits begs the question, "what does she look like?" ("Face that would stop a clock and play havoc with small watches.")

So I googled her. Here ya go. Whadda ya think?

We FJR Forum Irish would do her! ShinyPartsUp would probably do her twice!

 

[RadioHowie]

****!!!! My watch just quit working.

GAWDDAMMITT, SAC-MIKE!!!

 

[beemerdons]

My Best Friend Uri Schumm sent me these jokes. Uri was born in Israel, back when it was still Palestine. You can take half of the jokes and substitute Irish and they still work perfectly well. Enjoy!

-----Original Message-----

From: Uri Schumm

To: Don Stanley

Sent: Wed, Oct 12, 2011 7:31 am

Subject: Old Jewish Jokes for you

* I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

* I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years! If my wife ever finds out, she'll kill me!

* What are three words a woman never wants to hear when she's making love? "Honey, I'm home!"

* Someone stole all my credit cards but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife.

* We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

* My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night; only this time I stayed in the bathroom and cried.

* My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife called it the Dead Sea.

* She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

* The Doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill so the doctor gave him another six months.

* The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back.

"Mrs. Cohen answered, "So did my arthritis!"

* Doctor: "You'll live to be 60!" * Patient: "I am 60!"

* Doctor: "See! What did I tell you?"

* Patient: "I have a ringing in my ears." *Doctor: "Don't answer!"

* An Irish drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, "You've been brought here for drinking."

Then Paddy says "Okay, let's get started."

* Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.

The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women like Chinese food so much.

The study revealed that this is due to the fact that Won Ton spelled backward is Not Now.

There is a big controversy on the Jewish view of when life begins. In Jewish tradition, the fetus

is not considered viable until it graduates from medical school.

Q: Why don't Jewish mothers drink?

A: Alcohol interferes with their suffering.

Q: Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers?

A: They never let anyone finish a sentence!

A man called his mother in Florida, "Mom, how are you?"

" Not too good," said the mother. "I've been very weak."

Son said, "Why are you so weak?"

Mother said, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days."

Son said, "That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?"

Mother answered, "Because I didn't want my mouth to be filled with food if you should call."

A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has a part in the play.

She asks, "What part is it?"

The boy says, "I play the part of the Jewish husband."

"The mother scowls and says, "Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part."

Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb?

A: (Sigh) "Don't bother. I'll sit in the dark. I don't want to be a nuisance to anybody."

Short summary of every Jewish holiday: They tried to kill us. We won. Let's eat.

Did you hear about the bum who walked up to a Jewish mother on the street and said, "Lady, I haven't eaten in three days." "Force yourself," she replied!

Q: What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish mother?

A: Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go.

Q: Why are Jewish men circumcised?

A: Because Jewish women don't like anything that Isn't 20% off.

--

"Life hands us a number of cards at the beginning of the game. We cannot choose them, but we can choose how we play them."

Carlos Luis Zafon, contemporary Spanish writer

Brother Uri, These jokes are fantastic! I'm going to change half of them from Jewish to Irish and put them up on both the AZ Beemers and FJR Forums. See you on October 22nd.

Don Stanley

1061 N. Amber St.

Chandler, AZ 85225

Cell: 480-440-4666

 

[Old Michael]

I can almost hear Henny Youngman .....

(Don, you're too young to remember him, prolly.)

ShinyPartsUp would probably do her twice!

She'd just think it was once.

 

[Khunajawdge]

If/when a woodpecker crossed a road, then how long would it take for a grasshopper to kick all the seeds out of a dill pickle? :assassin:

 

[RadioHowie]

I can almost hear Henny Youngman .....

(Don, you're too young to remember him, prolly.)

???????

Stanley too YOUNG to remember Henny Youngman???

Hell beemerdon's older than the dirt they buried Henny in!

 

[beemerdons]

I can almost hear Henny Youngman .....

(Don, you're too young to remember him, prolly.)

???????

Stanley too YOUNG to remember Henny Youngman???

Hell beemerdon's older than the dirt they buried Henny in!

CORRECTION: I am not as old as dirt, but I actually do know the guy that is!

 

[airboss]

Two bears invaded a clown convention, grabbed a clown and stated eating.

Then one bear says to the other.................does this taste funny to you.

 

[John d]

A Crusty old man walks into the local Church and says to the secretary, "I would like to join this damn church."

 

The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you... What did you say?"

 

"Listen up, damn it. I said I want to join this damn church!"

 

"I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this church."

 

The secretary leaves her desk and goes into the pastor's study to inform him of her situation. The pastor agrees that the

secretary does not have to listen to that foul language.

 

They both return to her office, and the pastor asks the old geezer, "Sir, what seems to be the problem here?"

 

"There is no damn problem," the man says. "I just won $200 million in the damn lottery and I want to join this damn church to get rid of some of this damn money."

 

"I see," said the pastor. "And is this bitch giving you a hard time?"

 

[donaldb]

Your lesson for today:

On his 74th birthday, a man received a gift certificate from his

wife. The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a

nearby reservation. The medicine man was rumored to have a wonderful

cure for erectile dysfunction.

After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket

to the medicine man, all the time wondering what was to come.

The old medicine man slowly and methodically produced a potion, which

he handed to the 74 year-old.

With a grip on his shoulder, the medicine man warned, "This is

powerful medicine and it must be respected. You take only a

teaspoonful and then say '1-2-3'. When you do that, you will become

manlier than you have ever been in your life and you will be able to perform as long as you want."

The old man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked,

"How do I stop the medicine from working?"

"Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,'" the medicine man responded." But

when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."

The old man was very eager to see if the potion worked, so he went

home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then

invited his wife to join him in the bedroom.

When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!"

Immediately, he was the manliest of men.

His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes. And then she

asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"

And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences

with a preposition - or one will end up with a dangling participle!

 

[donaldb]

A young woman goes to her doctor's office, afraid of the strange development on the inside of her thigh . . . a green spot on the inside of each. "They won't wash of, they won't scrape off and they seem to be getting worse."

The doctor assures her he'll get to the bottom of the problem, and tells her not to worry until the tests come back.

A few days later, the woman's phone rings. Much to her relief, it's the doctor. She immediately begs to know what's causing the spots.

The doctor says, "You're perfectly healthy - - there's no problem. But I'm wondering, is your boyfriend a Harley guy?"

The woman stammers, "Why, yes, but how did you know?"

"Tell him his ear rings aren't real gold."