Folks, I need your help

[radman]

Just learned that my best friend of 30 years had a heart attack recently, and refused to let anyone know, nor let his wife Judy let anyone know. He doesn't smoke, rides HD so an occasional drinker, appears to have a family history of heart problems. Just got off the phone with Judy,who is beside herself with worry. Tom is super depressed, thinks the big one is just around the corner, all he's good for is work (he's shop foreman at a Mack dealer), is moody and bitchy and just awful to be around. Judy thinks some calls from friends will turn things around, I'm thinking it's gonna take a little more than a chummy hello from the 'ol rad to turn things around. I'm looking for some insight from those who've gone throught this-sudden realization of mortality, lifestyle changes etc have to kick a guys ***, he can't ride anymore (or is afraid to, or doesn't want to), and I really don't know how to approach this or him. I don't wanna shoot off my mouth (not that I ever do ) and make a bad situation worse. What say you, survivors? And spouses? And friends of those who've faced this?

 

[Rickster]

See if you can get him to talk, and just be a good listener...

 

[radman]

See if you can get him to talk, and just be a good listener...

Can do that, but he isn't a talker, or at least never has been before-especially on the phone. How to get him to open up is one of my concerns.

 

[gasman]

Man Rad, that's a tough one. It sounds like he NEEDS to go for a ride but, how to convince him of that is beyond me. Wish you the best with this situation. JB

 

[Rickster]

not sure, I don't know him, but perhaps asking him how Judy's taking it may get him started.

 

[fjrchooser]

Sounds like he's regretting not having done something in or with his life and thinks maybe it'll never happen now ?

And the big one is always lurking just around the corner for all of us, this hasn't changed that.

He needs to regard this as a wake up call, re-evaluate his priorities and make the approprate changes.

To do that, he needs someone to talk about this with and help drag him out of his funk so he can get on with it.

Get him loosened up some ( a bit of red wine is good for the heart) and be that person, or one of them if you can get a group together.

 

[kaitsdad]

Sounds like he's regretting not having done something in or with his life and thinks maybe it'll never happen now ? He needs to regard this as a wake up call, evaluate his priorities and make the approprate changes.
But first, he needs someone to talk about this with and help drag him out of his funk so he can get on with it.

Get him drunk and be that person, or one of them if you can get a group together.

Rad, +1 on chooser's advice -

Show up with a pint of Jack Daniels (seriously) and have a porch sittin' session. Get him to open up - then listen.

 

[Groo]

Any idea if he's religious? People who think they are staring death in the face, and don't believe in an afterlife have a grim picture to look at... Just a thought....

 

[radman]

Rad, +1 on chooser's advice -
Show up with a pint of Jack Daniels (seriously) and have a porch sittin' session. Get him to open up - then listen.

I don't drink (Bill W Club), and he's off since the attack. That just isn't gonna be an option here I'm afraid.

 

[Geezer]

I didn't see anything that says how far from you he lives. If he is near enough, just go on over and talk to him face to face. Plan ahead with his wife so she can make sure he's there when you drop in. He'll know why you're there. It may take more than one visit, but he'll eventually open up. Be patient.

 

[radman]

Any idea if he's religious? People who think they are staring death in the face, and don't believe in an afterlife have a grim picture to look at... Just a thought....

He isn't, and I doubt that has or will change.

 

[Scab]

Just how good of friends are you? Is he accustomed to your usuall charm and tact?

This may actually be a case more than ever to be yourself. I don't know and I don't mean for this to sound cold and unfeeling, but we men live in a different world than the touchy-feely one.

A friend of mine was diagnosed with cancer. Depression set in. Finally, just went up to him and said: "What the ****? You just gonna sit on your *** and wait to die, or what? ****, we got things to do."

It sounds cold, but it is the nature of our relationship. I call it man-to-man affection. We have insulted each other for years and years. Why should it change now? He gave me the same rash of **** when I got divorced and had a serious case of my head up my ***. Hell, if I talked nice to him, he'd think things were really the ****. I know that when he raked me over the coals when I was feeling the *****, it kind of gave me reassurance of normalcy.

Maybe I am just insane. If this is way off base, please do not take offense.

 

[kaitsdad]

Show up, tell him to grab his bucket, and go for a ride.

 

[radman]

Nothing said here will cause me to take offense-I'm out of my element, and asking for ideas. Scab, thats actually along the lines of what I was thinking. We have been through a lot together, a lot. He can't ride, or at least thats what Judy said, his ticker is an ongoing thing, blood flow has decreased dramatically, and he's not able to control balance or something along those lines. A bad scene for him, we put thousands of miles on together in our bad old Harley days. He lives a good 200+ miles away now, but a ride to his place is at the top of my list now, rather than a phone conversation, something niether one of us is good at.

 

[Scab]

Thinking about it, (with my friend) we use the insults and a lot of cuss words to disguise our emotional discussions. It is all the same, we get to the fears, regrets, and insecurites. We just do it in a really perverted way. It works for us. We just ain't never gonna swap slobber and shed tears on each others shoulders. But we know. We understand. And we move on. And we live.

 

[HaulinAshe]

Rad,

The only wrong thing to do is nothing at all. The only wrong thing to say is nothing at all. This is one of those times when you show up, say it and let nature take its course. It's easy for your friend to get bogged down in what is wrong with him.

My advice, remind him of what is right with him and who counts on that. Just being there is what matters when its all over. The only regret you will have is if you don't make the drive.

 

[Randy]

My father had a 7-way bypass surgery. Following the surgery, he was very depressed. Docs said its normal for cardiac patients. Find out who the cardiologist is and call the office to see if they have, or are aware of, support groups. He may not want to go, but, if the Mrs. goes, perhaps she can get some ideas on how to handle the situation.

 

[ShinyPartsUp]

A few thoughts. Light on the booze if he is on meds and having balance problems. Maybe his wife could talk to his doctor about an antidepressant? Life expectancy post-MI is worse if depression isn't treated. Very common but treatable. When you visit be yourself -- it isn't what you say so much as showing you care. A lot depends on what feels right within the context of the history you two have. And if you want to bring up depression, be direct. But if you are too uncomfortable, you could say you noticed he's depressed sometime during the visit (a small lie of omission not mentioning his wife talked to you). I could live with that kind of lie personally given the greater good.

Good luck buddy.

 

[bikerskier]

Rad

As a survivor of a heart attack 20 years ago, I can tell you my wife put up with a lot of **** and misery from me for over a year until I realized I was going to see my kids grow up and I will turn into a perverted dirty old man. (Both are coming true) My cardiologist warned my wife to expect the depression and ******** so she was prepared even tho she didn't have much fun with it.

Your friends wife is probably getting the same advice from his doctor but it always helps to know others went thu the same crap.

Don't sit with him and let him wallow in self pity. Get him out and laughing and cussing back at you.

Good luck!