Folks, I need your help

[rublenoon]

Hard to say for sure, chooser and shiny offer good ideas...

IMO -

...this is face to face work [more distance will validate your concern for him, it will later at least]

...family history without other bad factors seems like a NO win deal [here, I know his feelings],

...so the support team [sO, family, friends, co-workers, medical folks] must try and help him see/find a goal/event/purpose or mix of the above to walk this new harder path now before him.

Maybe there is group of heart patients that can offer help/talk or he can start one in his area [healing does come from helping others].

Be sure to have the support team talk between themselves. Depending on his nature [open or closed to help] have most of the team known and available. Try and see it from his position, ie., 'When your body "fails" you, it is personnal to you. So the solution must be personnal too.'

Good luck...care giving is hard work.

rublenoon

 

[twowheelnut]

I was gonna say, spring for a five dollar hooker, but since he's a good friend, feck it and go for the hunnert dollar call girl. That should do it.

No seriously, went through a similar thing with Gramps, my pops-in-law, when he had his quad by-pass. Always active, do anything kinda guy, suddenly knocked on his *** and taken outta action by the MD's lecturing and operation. Floored him - and us. He looked for **** even months after - all the classic signs of post surgery depression and the realization that he has to take it easy. I truly believe that the support and plain ol' love (sorry, I usually avoid this mushy ****) got him through, mostly. I still see him standing alone and staring into the blue beyond. I never say anything. I just go over, through my arm around his once sturdy and broad shoulder and draw him close. He usually says, 'Thanks, son.' Sometimes, you don't need words.

Good luck, brudda.

 

[Mike-H]

Rad....this probably sounds dumb or mushy but....go see him & just follow his lead...if he gives none,... follow your heart....no one has to stand alone....Mike

 

[krashdragon]

Just learned that my best friend of 30 years had a heart attack recently, and refused to let anyone know, nor let his wife Judy let anyone know. He doesn't smoke, rides HD so an occasional drinker, appears to have a family history of heart problems. Just got off the phone with Judy,who is beside herself with worry. Tom is super depressed, thinks the big one is just around the corner, all he's good for is work (he's shop foreman at a Mack dealer), is moody and bitchy and just awful to be around. Judy thinks some calls from friends will turn things around, I'm thinking it's gonna take a little more than a chummy hello from the 'ol rad to turn things around. I'm looking for some insight from those who've gone throught this-sudden realization of mortality, lifestyle changes etc have to kick a guys ***, he can't ride anymore (or is afraid to, or doesn't want to), and I really don't know how to approach this or him. I don't wanna shoot off my mouth (not that I ever do ) and make a bad situation worse. What say you, survivors? And spouses? And friends of those who've faced this?

Ok...just my .002 here...

You guys have know each other for 30 years, but guys dont' talk to each other...hey, it's just how guys are!

Go over, tell him you know it's rough having surgery and all that...

If you were in his spot, you'd pbly feel a bit depressed, so you came over just to see how he was doing...

Or something like that..

And if he gets pissed cause his wife blabbed... "hey you guys have know each other for 30 years, WTF does he think he's hiding after all this time! He needs to get off his butt and help his wife around the house... cause she's been waiting on him...." or something like that...

If nothing else, she can tell the doc he's depressed, and maybe the doc can give her something to give himm.... cause guys are just too friggin stubborn...especially if they've rarely ever been sick...to admit they need help... and most of the time, peeps dont' KNOW they're depressed...

sorry I cant' come up with anything more constructive...

Mary

 

[Ramblin Man]

I've been dealing with the whole mortality thing for a few years now. Actually, the FJR was therapy, something to get my mind from an internal mode to an external mode and help with the depression.

Your freind is scared right now, and may not be ready to talk about it yet. Put yourself in his shoes. You've had a heart attack and think the one that will kill you is lurking behind any strenuous or exciting situation. Talking about it is just more stress that he doesn't want or need at the moment.

I know I don't like talking about going to the doctor, or taking medical tests.

If that was me, I'd be thinking about all of the things I need to get done to "get my house in order" before I die. I've been working to get that list as short as possible for the last few years, but his list may be overwhelming and very depressing, especially when he puts the items on the list before his own happiness. Its hard balance your time so you get enough "you" time when you have a bunch of things you think you need to do, but you need that "you" time to help with the stress.

So, an approach to try is to just let him know that you can help him out with his "list" especially if there is something you can do that will give him some free time to just **** off.

 

[Derek]

my best friend went through a similar stage for a stretch, i guess it's not uncommon. dean had to know he was going to die but also went through stages of denial and talked about the future.

the last time i saw him we reminissed about our hilariouse days. cheered both of us up.

it has been said that the reason some fear death is that they are afraid they have not made a difference in the lives of others. it's us others that can set them straight.

good luck rad.

derek

 

[Bounce]

Just learned that my best friend of 30 years had a heart attack recently, and refused to let anyone know, nor let his wife Judy let anyone know. He doesn't smoke, rides HD so an occasional drinker, appears to have a family history of heart problems. Just got off the phone with Judy,who is beside herself with worry. Tom is super depressed, thinks the big one is just around the corner, all he's good for is work (he's shop foreman at a Mack dealer), is moody and bitchy and just awful to be around. Judy thinks some calls from friends will turn things around, I'm thinking it's gonna take a little more than a chummy hello from the 'ol rad to turn things around. I'm looking for some insight from those who've gone throught this-sudden realization of mortality, lifestyle changes etc have to kick a guys ***, he can't ride anymore (or is afraid to, or doesn't want to), and I really don't know how to approach this or him. I don't wanna shoot off my mouth (not that I ever do ) and make a bad situation worse. What say you, survivors? And spouses? And friends of those who've faced this?

#1: Has he seen a Dr.

#2: What has the Dr. advised.

 

[radman]

Good stuff guys. Bounce, try to keep it short, ok? Tom lives in a small Wisconsin town, scenic and a fishermans/hunters paradise, but not considered the center of medical progress-I have no idea what resources are available to him/them: I doubt it's substantial. I suggested to Judy right off that it's time to get the phsrinks number, but the typical reluctance to seek a pro, not to mention to admit that one might be needed, immediately shows. To Judys credit, she was more open to the idea than I thought she might be, if you knew her, that would show just how bad it is. These are VERY self reliant folks, no doubt part of the problem. You can't know how much I appreciate the input and good vibes from youse guys, not that I expected less-no better group to throw something like this out to than a diverse bunch of mental cases like those found here....

 

[trimmantom]

Rad I think that getting rid of the depression should be a number one focus either professionally or through family and friends being around your bud.

What does he like to do?If you can get his mind redirected in another direction I think that would help.

Being 200 miles from him will limit the time you can spend with him personally.Is he internet active?

The more he knows and understands about what has happened to him will help him.If you could just E-mail him often with some of your smart *** humor that will go a long way and he'd appreciate that from you.

My mom had a bypass a few years ago and had a hard time with it.She has told me that she know just lives one day at a time and does the best she can and tries to enjoy life and not worry to much about what's gonna happen that she has no control over. You just give the support you can and be the friend to him you've always been and that's about it.

 

[FJRMGM]

three and a half years ago I had a quad bypass followed by a mild heart attack at age 46 and four months.

Depression is a very common side effect of a heart attack, particularly in men - and I had it.

The heart attack messes with you both physically and emotionally and it's hard to explain or describe. The sudden realization that "Hey, I may NOT live forever" is not a good thing either. The pills they give you for blood thinner and beta-blockers cause emotional issues also.

It took me about a year to get over it.

What helped me was being with my friends and them listening to me complain about the discomfort of the surgery and how weak and low I was feeling. Exercise in the form of bicycle riding got me out of the house and back into life and feeling good. Get busy living or get busy dying. I chose living.

Get him and his wife out of the house so he can see life is out there waiting and he is still alive to live it. His wife needs support also so don't forget her. See if he can talk or visit with another heart attack survivor in the area.

Do NOT allow him to sit around and stew about it as the mind can go to some very dark and un-returnable places if allowed to. A co-worker of a friend killed himself six months after a heart attack. When my friend asked me if I could see how that happened I replied "yes, very easily with the depression".

It's strange that during the depression the person is worried about dying - all the while they are figuring out ways to end themselves. Kinda "I don't want to die but I might as well go ahead".

Someone said "drag him out of it" but the problem with depression is its a trough that the person affected cannot get out of themselves or even see there is a way out. The problem is always someone or something other than the affected person. They need help and support to get out of it.

That first year of recovery was very hard on me and my family - so much so my nurse wife is now divorcing me.

I feel great now and regularly ride 50+ miles on the bicycle at 20+ mph. Recovery can be accomplished but it's not easy and not quick and men are impatient and don't have time for it.

 

[radman]

On my way to Wisc. This is best done in person, and any reason to ride......... Will report on my success or lack of tommorrow night. Thanks all.

Dr Rad

 

[Rogue]

Good luck!

 

[Woodstock]

Good luck!

+1. Nothing I can really add to the already excelent advise here (esp. FJRMGM's comments)

 

[FJRMGM]

Woodstock - this is one topic I sure as heck wish I didn't have so much first-hand experience with.

 

[brazos parker]

I found out I wasn't bulletproof abt 4 years ago. Woke up 1 month later w/ a big scar down my chest and leg and paddle burns on my sides.

I went thru the depression, etc during rehab. What was important to me at that time was my friends...just showing up...didn't even have to say a word.

I just got back from a 4500 mile solo ride on my FJR...wonderful experience for a guy in my shoes.

PM me if you want more info.

Best wishes to you and your friend.

 

[ShinyPartsUp]

Rad....this probably sounds dumb or mushy but....go see him & just follow his lead...if he gives none,... follow your heart....no one has to stand alone....Mike

excellent advice.

 

[zzkenoman]

Invite Turbo Dave over for dinner

 

[radman]

I returneth, and all is well. He and I went for a short ride, he will be selling his Superglide, and is leaning toward a Honda ST, it appears the bar height and vibes are as big a contributor to his hand numbness as the heart condition is. A Feej is more hi-perf than he is comfortable with, as well as it's sportier ergos. The meds he's on are being reduced as his response to them is monitored and evaluated. It looks like he'll be around to boss the Mack mech's around for a while yet, much to their chagrin.......... Thanks all for the thoughts, appreciate it. Now on to the next project. I have a cousin with a gas problem who can't keep a girlfriend............ :dribble:

 

[Groo]

... I have a cousin with a gas problem who can't keep a girlfriend............ :dribble:

One word... Beano.

 

[Scab]

Glad everything is better and that you made it back intact. As for the other friend...

Tell him to quite saying "Pull my finger". Or he should track down some Eva Braum decendents. She apparently had immunity to Hitler's little problem.