Parenting Isn't For Cowards

[Patriot]

I've hesitated...but here goes...

My Emily is my oldest of two daughters. She's unstable with bipolar and depression and last week posted a suicide note on her facebook page. I started looking at her history on the internet and was troubled to find goth, demon, and vampire forums she was frequenting. She has had bad reactions to being on Abilify (bipolar med), but her doc would not allow her to get off it cold turkey, or even quickly. She's taken a month to be weaned off the Abilify which was causing her tremors and other bad side effects. She started on Lamictal like I take, but in a very small dose. We had to request in person each time there was a refill that the dose be increased. So now, 6 weeks later, she's still only on a 100mg dose of Lamictal while my experience with meds are quite different. She's finally off the Abilify. But her doc points out, correctly, that the care and approach of a teenager is much different than an adult. Teenagers have the popensity to react badly to meds problems.

Emily failed her soph year at a Christian High School paid for by her Godmother. She then entered the local public high school with high hopes as a Junior after attending summer school. She failed her first semester of four courses with 3 F's and 1 D. Interesting that her cell phone was confiscated for use in the bathroom, and a parent had to go to the diciplinary office to pick it up. I did so one day two weeks ago and asked to see her grades before they were mailed out. I spoke with her conseulor who directed me to the "special needs" dept. I told them of her bipolar and they mentioned different programs of "special education". I was not interested in her obtaining a GED, but want her to have the best shot at graduating with a diploma like other kids.

The said she might qualify for the "resource program" where credits needed for graduation are lessened and one of her classes is the resource class which is a tutor program and one on one assistance for her to do her school work, get help, and monitor her progress. The resource class is one credit of the four needed to take each semester.

Today, the review board that assesses her qualifications for the program met and all three of us answered their questions and they offered us the program and the start of the assessment of Emily to mold it to her needs. Now she MUST meet with the special ed teacher every day for 15 days in the assessment program. She meets for 30 minutes of her 1 hour lunch period.

While at her doctor's visit last week, we asked for a report on Emily to be sent to the school. Emily's date and diagnosis, her history of meds and effects, and how her bipolar is and will affect her education. The school would not let me see the report at this time, so I don't know the status or effect it will have on the process.

I hope

1) her bipolar will stabilize and her meds with help her at the proper dose with little or no side effects

2) her tendency toward mood swings, especially the depression, lack of self esteem, and responding badly to circumstances in her life would improve

3) she would take seriously the resource special ed program and do all she can to succeed using it's tools

I am thankful for the staff at East Jefferson High and their willingness to serve, lead, and assist Emily in her quest to succeed. Emily has had very bad days and goes to the head counselor to talk about what she's feeling and her reactions to circumstances in her life.

Thank you for your prayers, kind thoughts, support for this situation. I'm reminded daily that "Parenting Isn't For Cowards"

Affectionately,

Mike

 

[gregory]

Prayers thoughts and JUJU sent your way Mike.

You are correct in parenting is not for the faint of heart. Hang in there. Had a trip the the mental hospital for my daughter "cutting" just recently. There are no manuels, no easy fixes or roadmaps. Love, patients, support and more love.

If I can help (even if it's only to vent) let me know.

All the best,

Greg

 

[wheatonFJR]

I don't know what to say Mike, except, though I'm not the praying kind, I will be praying for your daughter's health and your family.

There's alot of joking and kidding that goes around on these boards...but this is one of those times you just have to stop and say, "God...help that girl...and help that family through this crisis. May they have many happy days, months, and years ahead. Amen."

 

[Solo]

Mike,

My thoughts are with your family. Our kids mean so much to us and we want the best for them. Sometimes our immense love for them isn't enough, but the our love and support can help. As a father of a now 25-year-old, I feel your pain and frustration at not being to make everything right with a kind word or a snap of your fingers.

Tom

 

[doctorJ]

PM sent Mike.

doctorj

 

[pinhead]

Mike,

I certainly can't offer any (noteworthy) advice or wisdom being only 4 years into parenting myself, but I can offer you best wishes and I'll pray for you, your family, the educators, and the doctors. Being a Dad is definitely the toughest job I've ever had but it’s also been the most rewarding. I sincerely hope your situation improves.

Dave

 

[Patriot]

Prayers thoughts and JUJU sent your way Mike.
You are correct in parenting is not for the faint of heart. Hang in there. Had a trip the the mental hospital for my daughter "cutting" just recently. There are no manuels, no easy fixes or roadmaps. Love, patients, support and more love.

If I can help (even if it's only to vent) let me know.

All the best,

Greg

thanx Greg

I learned Hurricane Katrina was very hard on Emily.

Her favorite teachers and friends left town never to be seen again.

She was taken away (all of us as a family) from her surroundings for two months to live in a (to her) stranger's basement in NC.

She was put in a strange school there and finds it hard to adapt.

Her bipolar kicked in with a vengence under the stress and this was before diagnosis and meds.

When she returned home, she started cutting herself after another disfunctional older neighborhood girl introduced her to that.

Then the other girl started showing inappropriate affection when Emily was feeling empty.

Then they started taking digital pictures and posting them on the internet. Thankfully these were PG13 in bathing suits, etc., but still

Then she started school in a private Christian school and she made some friends, including a sweet boy one grade earlier than her.

He committed suicide in the school parking lot one morning using his Dad's .38 special. She still talks about that dark day.

She had a disfunctional relationship with a classmate. He also is bipolar and attached himself to her like a barnacle.

His uninvolved parents later expected me to parent their son and it all had to end. Was messy.

So here we are, working toward graduating high school and wondering what will become of her as she moves to adulthood and beyond.

It's all good and God is at work. All of our faith's are strong and we look forward to what He has in store for her and all of us.

She obviously loves her parents and relates well to me as I share her bipolar. Instead of resenting me (I don't know if she realizes she inherited the condition from me and her grandmother) she shows true compassion and we kinda share this war with mental illness. And, we used to butt heads too much with the invested emotion thing, but now we text back and forth our true feelings and opinions and that seems to take the edge off which I find facinating.

She really likes to share the day with me, likes to ride on the back of the Feej (fair weather and not too long!), and was thrilled I bought her a red armored Tourmaster jacket recently. I told her she needed boots to protect her feet and ankles when we ride, so pick some out. She went on the internet and picked out some combat/tactical boots with laces and zippers up the side. Only $50 and they were what she wanted. Sold.

She and my youngest daughter are proud of my work with the PGR. They both want to make any "Welcome Home" mission to greet returning active duty military. They stood with me in Biloxi when a company of SeaBees returned from the sandbox and we shook over 125 hands as the soldiers walked off the buses. We all chuckled at our deformed, aching hands afterwood.

 

[Geezer]

I served a three year term on the Board of Ed for my local school and I learned a lot about special education and how it works, or doesn't work. Your school district is required by federal law to provide some level of special services, at the district's expense. Your state probably has additional mandates, but I don't know what they might be in LA. What I do know is that services are expensive and school districts are always struggling with their budgets, so they have to balance what they offer with what they can spend.

That said, as a parent you don't care how much it costs the district, you want the best for your daughter. In order to get that you need an advocate who understands the system and how to force the district to give your daughter the right program and services. I suggest that you do some research in your area and find a reputable special education advocate.

 

[Silver Penguin]

She really likes to share the day with me, likes to ride on the back of the Feej (fair weather and not too long!), and was thrilled I bought her a red armored Tourmaster jacket recently. I told her she needed boots to protect her feet and ankles when we ride, so pick some out. She went on the internet and picked out some combat/tactical boots with laces and zippers up the side. Only $50 and they were what she wanted. Sold.
She and my youngest daughter are proud of my work with the PGR. They both want to make any "Welcome Home" mission to greet returning active duty military. They stood with me in Biloxi when a company of SeaBees returned from the sandbox and we shook over 125 hands as the soldiers walked off the buses. We all chuckled at our deformed, aching hands afterwood.

Sorry that I have no magical cure, or words of wisdom to offer. Those last two paragraphs are encouraging though. Parenting sure is a tough job if you want the best for your kids. Thank goodness that this troubled young lady has a Dad who really cares. If it is any consolation, our daughter was a silent, moody goth during high school. Although capable of high honors, she scraped through graduation narrowly. Then a light came on, she got herself motivated and seemed to mature overnight.

Hang in there. This girl needs you, more than you can imagine.

 

[Patriot]

I served a three year term on the Board of Ed for my local school and I learned a lot about special education and how it works, or doesn't work. Your school district is required by federal law to provide some level of special services, at the district's expense. Your state probably has additional mandates, but I don't know what they might be in LA. What I do know is that services are expensive and school districts are always struggling with their budgets, so they have to balance what they offer with what they can spend.
That said, as a parent you don't care how much it costs the district, you want the best for your daughter. In order to get that you need an advocate who understands the system and how to force the district to give your daughter the right program and services. I suggest that you do some research in your area and find a reputable special education advocate.

we attend a neighborhood Baptist church where the staff includes a wonderful lady with a PhD in Christian consuling with a emphasis on adolescence. She is an expert on this issues and provides Emily and us complimentary services.

Kathy is definitely a God send to all of us.

Thanx for the input.

Mike

She really likes to share the day with me, likes to ride on the back of the Feej (fair weather and not too long!), and was thrilled I bought her a red armored Tourmaster jacket recently. I told her she needed boots to protect her feet and ankles when we ride, so pick some out. She went on the internet and picked out some combat/tactical boots with laces and zippers up the side. Only $50 and they were what she wanted. Sold.
She and my youngest daughter are proud of my work with the PGR. They both want to make any "Welcome Home" mission to greet returning active duty military. They stood with me in Biloxi when a company of SeaBees returned from the sandbox and we shook over 125 hands as the soldiers walked off the buses. We all chuckled at our deformed, aching hands afterwood.

Sorry that I have no magical cure, or words of wisdom to offer. Those last two paragraphs are encouraging though. Parenting sure is a tough job if you want the best for your kids. Thank goodness that this troubled young lady has a Dad who really cares. If it is any consolation, our daughter was a silent, moody goth during high school. Although capable of high honors, she scraped through graduation narrowly. Then a light came on, she got herself motivated and seemed to mature overnight.

Hang in there. This girl needs you, more than you can imagine.

I agree wholeheartly.

Yeah, we really have a good, supportive relationship in many ways. We are learning it's OK to share our feelings and concerns and ask questions to each other expecting true, un rose colored, answers. We've had the tendency, because our own moods tend to cycle and on any particular day, we don't know how well we are coping, we have the tendency not to "burden" the other with our troubles. No matter what's going on, I get a "fine" when I ask her how she's doing. She takes after her Mother the AIW being introverted, quiet, and non confrontational. My other daughter Mary Beth (14 and 8th grade) is like me wearing our emotions on our sleeve and blurting out exactly what we think. I can read Mary Beth in an instant; I tend to have no clue where or what Emily's thinking or feeling.

Many have told me it improves as they get older and they come back to their parents at 20 or so.

I joke to anybody I see with little daughters: "Yep, enjoy them now. When my kids were 11, I was God Himself. When they hit 13, I instantly became an imbecile." :blink:

<sigh> :clapping:

and ya'll are my cyberspace family and I cherish each of you.

It feels good and makes my day to share the tough stuff as well as the happy stuff.

(and the bizare, ironic, moronic, and sarcastic as well )

 

[Auburn]

Wow, hang in there. You're right parenting is very hard.

I have a son that completed high school at the alternative high school. It was night and day difference for him. He went from being angry/frustrated/depressed and getting D's and F's to straight A's. He graduated 6 months ahead of his class because the alternative classes were self paced with good teachers to provide help and assistance as he needed it. He did not have the same issues you are facing.

Hopefully the alternatives offered will be something she can identify with. The alternative high school went a long ways to help him develop the self esteem he needed to have validated by someone other than family.

Some day she will realize and tell you how much she appreciates all of your efforts parenting her. My son and I had that conversation a few years after he was out of high school. I can't begin to tell you how much that will mean to you. Becuase until that time you will always doubt and second guess yourself. Follow your heart, it will guide you in the right direction.

Prayers and hope sent your way!

 

[FastJoyRide]

I have a nephew who was diagnosed with Schizophrenia at 18 - he's 39 now.

It is very difficult to predict what will set him off - unusual things like the deaths of celebrities; routine family illnesses etc. He has had many challenges with being properly medicated over the years and although he is able to live independently in a condo, he requires a great deal of care and love from my sister and brother-in-law who live nearby. Suicide is their biggest fear as it is all too common for young people with his problem.

Our thoughts and prayers are with you Mike.

 

[Silver Penguin]

Many have told me it improves as they get older and they come back to their parents at 20 or so.I joke to anybody I see with little daughters: "Yep, enjoy them now. When my kids were 11, I was God Himself. When they hit 13, I instantly became an impecile." :blink:

So true. We got the silent treatment from the early teens until about 18. This dark, moody person who wore all black, lived in the same house as us but that was about all. Any conversation we tried to start, ended with 'fine' and the look. Then, over the summer of graduation she found the career that she was meant to pursue. All of a sudden she turned back into a human being. Since then, she has matured into an adult who is a pleasure to be with.

 

[El Toro Joe]

Hang in there Mike...I know it aint easy

 

[johnny80s]

I served a three year term on the Board of Ed for my local school and I learned a lot about special education and how it works, or doesn't work. Your school district is required by federal law to provide some level of special services, at the district's expense. Your state probably has additional mandates, but I don't know what they might be in LA. What I do know is that services are expensive and school districts are always struggling with their budgets, so they have to balance what they offer with what they can spend.
That said, as a parent you don't care how much it costs the district, you want the best for your daughter. In order to get that you need an advocate who understands the system and how to force the district to give your daughter the right program and services. I suggest that you do some research in your area and find a reputable special education advocate.

Mike what Geezer said is 100% true. I was a teacher but am now working with schools managing their technology. I talked with one our Heads of School who is also a special ed teacher and he stated unequivocally that you can you look at your daughter's folder at any time. You just need to call the school and make an appointment. They cannot deny you looking at her reports.

I really want to echo what Geezer said about getting a special ed advocate. They will go to all the meetings with you to make sure you get the services you are entitle to receive. Just because you bring an advocate it does not mean that it needs to adversarial. The advocate will make sure everything goes well and you and your family receive what you are entitled too. This is why we pay taxes to ensure all our students get the services they need. I will PM you my phone number. Please feel free to call if you have any questions.

Getting to know you on the forum and hearing about your family I can tell she is loved and you all care about each other. Keep hanging out with her and doing those special things that you enjoy together.

 

[cruppelt]

Wow Mike,

I just wish you the best and that Emily gets through this time unscathed. All you can do as a parent is to give them love, structure, care and nurture, and under bad circumstances, sometimes that just doesn't seem to be enough. Keep caring and sharing with her, I believe the time you and other family members spend with her is the best antidote you can use for depression and dark thoughts. Even if it just makes her pretend for a while that she doesn't have them, it will help lessen them. It does sound like you and your wife gave her a great foundation though, so she WILL get through this hard time!

You and Emily have my families thoughts and prayers.

 

[BikerGeek99]

Mike - if you ask me, it took a lot of courage to open up about this on a piblic forum.

But, we're family, even if OM, like 'that' crazy uncle, puts the 'fun' in dysfunctional. :dribble:

Best of luck to your daughter. I don't have kids (that I know of) and I didn't stay at a Holiday Inn Express last night, so I have no pearls of wisdom for ya, but I do feel for ya. Keep up the good fight!

[levity]

Your thread title got me to thinking...

No, parenting isn't for cowards.

But, neither is being a kid.

Keep in mind that Bust has reproduced.

Think of the stories they'll have to tell THEIR kids!!

:blink:

[/levity]

Take care,

Andy

 

[FJRay]

I raised four in a semi dysfunctional blended family. medling relatives on the outside and not much cooperatiuon on the inside. Looking back there was lots of trauma but a lot of good times. My boys spent more time in court than they did in school and the youngest followed the crime trail until he ended up in federal prison and almost died in a race riot. All four at this point are slowly figureing out life and are employed and not in my house.

If I was a counselor I would teel people to prepare for parenting as best you can and then learn to be creative cause the don't come with an operators manual.

Keep doing your best for you and your daughter and the rewards will be there. Parenting is worth it IMHO.

 

[Tyler]

Boy, Mike... sounds like you got your hands full but I'm a'guessing you'll handle it with grace, strength, and love as always. That your daughter is able to share things with you is a huge plus and that bond will help you all get through the really difficult times. Sending you lots of good thoughts and energy, m'friend.