The Agony of Aging….

[beemerdons]

The Agony of Aging….


Since it was such a crappy day I sat in my recliner and started thinking about life and came to realize that:

Ø As I have grown older I've learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is a piece of cake.

Ø Condoms don't guarantee safe sex anymore, a friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman's husband.

Ø Lance Armstrong….I think it is just terrible and disgusting how everyone has treated Lance Armstrong, especially after what he achieved, winning 7 Tour de France races, while on drugs. Hell, when I was on drugs, I couldn't even find my ******* bike.

Ø Drive By….Someone broke into my house last week. They didn't take my TV, just the remote. Now they drive by and change the channels. The Sick *******s!!!

Ø The Agony of Aging….On the morning that Daylight Savings Time ended I stopped in to visit my aging friend. He was busy covering his penis with black shoe polish. I said to him, "You better get your hearing checked - You're supposed to turn your clock back”.

Ø Video Scam….Just got scammed out of $25. Bought Tiger Woods DVD entitled "My Favorite 18 Holes". Turns out it's all about golf. Absolute waste of money! Pass this on so others don't get scammed.

 

[lnewlf]

 

[NTXFJR]

Nice lol!

 

[TripperMike]

It's good to read that I wasn't the only one who mis-heard the ".....turn the clock back." bit.

 

[Bearly Flying]

Well lets see your rendition of your Favourite 18 holes....... I will resend any repies to Miss Donna.

 

[stealth1]

Does anybody know a good shoe polish remover?

 

[Uncle Hud]

+1 to the old fart from a young whippersnapper

 

[HuskyRider]

THE RETIRED MIND....

I found this timely, because today I was in a store that sells sunglasses, and only sunglasses. A young lady walks over to me and asks, "what brings you in today?". I looked at her, and said, I'm interested in buying a refrigerator. She didn't quite know how to respond. Am I getting to be that age?

I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones that everyone has clipped onto their belt or purse. I can't afford one. So I'm wearing my garage door opener.

I also made a cover for my hearing aid and now I have what they call "blue teeth", I think.

You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people didn't like me anyway.

I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans!

I was thinking about old age and decided that old age is when you still have something on the ball but you are just too tired to bounce it.

I thought about making a fitness movie for folks my age and call it 'Pumping Rust'.

I've gotten that dreaded furniture disease.

That's when your chest is falling into your drawers!

When people see a cat's litter box they always say, 'Oh, have you got a cat?' Just once I want to say, 'No, it's for company!'

Employment application blanks always ask who is to be called in case of an emergency. I think you should write, 'An ambulance.'

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then it dawned on me. They were cramming for their finals.

As for me, I'm just hoping God grades on the curve.

Birds of a feather flock together . . . .and then crap on your car.

The older you get the tougher it is to lose weight because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for

forty (40) are XL.

The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble..

Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words 'The' and 'IRS' together it spells 'Theirs...'

Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

Some people try to turn back their "odometers." Not me. I want people to know 'why' I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.

You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

Ah! Being young is beautiful but being old is comfortable.

Lord, Keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth.