Woodpecker Joke

[Zorlac]

Have you ever wondered where the Phrase "You Gotta

Be Shittin' Me" came from? Well, it just so happens to have originated through

the Father of Our Country way back when, George Washington was crossing the Delaware River with his troops.

There were 33 [remember this number] in Washington's

boat. It was extremely dark and storming furiously and

the water was tossing them about.

Finally, Washington grabbed Corporal Peters

[remember this name]and stationed him at the front of the boat with a lantern. He ordered him to keep swinging it, so they could see where they were heading.

Corporal Peters, through driving rain and cold,

continued swinging the lantern back and forth,

back and forth.

Then a big gust of wind and a wave hit and threw

Corporal Peters and his lantern into the Delaware

Washington and his troops searched for nearly an

hour trying to find Corporal Peters, but to no avail.

All of them felt terrible, for the Corporal had been

one of their favorites.

Sometime later, Washington and his troops landed

on the other side, wet and totally exhausted. He

rallied the troops and told them that they must go on.

Another hour later, one of his men said, "General,

I see lights ahead."

They trudged toward the lights and came upon a

huge house. What they didn't know, was that this

was a house of ill repute hidden in the forest to serve all who came.

General Washington pounded on the door, his men

crowding around him. The door swung open, and

much to his surprise stood a beautiful woman.

A huge smile came across her face, to see so many

men standing there. Washington was the first to speak,

"Madam, I am General George Washington and these

are my men. We are tired, wet, exhausted, and desperately need warmth and comfort."

Again, the Madam looked at all the men standing

there , and with a broad smile on her face, said, "Well, General, you have come to the right place. We can surely give you warmth and comfort. How many men do you have?"

Washington replied, "Well, madam, there are 32 of us without Peters."

And the Madam said, "You gotta be shittin' me"

 

[Zorlac]

A little boy sits on Santa's lap. Santa says, "I bet I know

what you want for Christmas," and with his finger he

taps the boys nose with every letter he spells "T-O-Y-S."

The little boy thinks a second and says, "No, I have

enough toys."

Santa replies once again tapping the boys nose with

every letter, "C-A-N-D-Y."

Again the little boy thinks a second and says, "No, I

have all kinds of candy."

"Well what would you like for Christmas?" Santa asks.

The little boy replies, tapping Santa on the nose,

"P-U-S-S-Y, and don't tell me you don't have any

because I can smell it on your finger!"

 

[Zorlac]

[SIZE=10pt]A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot.[/SIZE]

The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness.

Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but..... Something happened. I'm trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your willy was chopped off in the wreck, and we were unable to find it."

The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got $9000 in insurance compensation coming to you, and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did - better in fact! But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's $1000 an inch."

The man perks up at this.

"So," the doctor says, "it's for you to decide how many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before, and you decide to go for a nine incher, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before, and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time, she might be disappointed. So it's important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision." The man agrees to talk with his wife.

The doctor comes back the next day.

"So," says the doctor, "have you spoken with your wife?"

"I have," says the man.

"And has she helped you in making the decision?"

"She has," says the man.

"And what is it?" asks the doctor.

"We're getting a new kitchen."

 

[Zorlac]

Estate Planning

When Dan found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with.

So, one evening he went to a singles bar where he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.

Her natural beauty took his breath away.

"I may look like just an ordinary man," he said as he walked up to her, "but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."

Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening and, three days later, she became his stepmother.

Women are so much better at estate planning than men.

 

[Zorlac]

A new recruit in the French Foreign Legion arrived at a desert outpost and was ordered to prepare for a long desert patrol. He dragged his camel to a watering trough, but the animal stubbornly refused to drink.

"You're new here, eh?", observed a grizzled old sergeant. "There's only one way to get your camel to drink sufficient water for a long patrol. I'll show you how."

The sergeant went away for a few moments and returned with another Legionnaire and two bricks. The sergeant ordered the Legionnaire to hold the camel's nose in the watering trough, and the sergeant and the recruit walked to the rear of the camel.

"Observe." said the sergeant, brandishing the bricks. "Just as if I were castrating the camel, I'll clap the bricks together with its testicles in between."

Sure enough, when the sergeant clapped the bricks together the camel inhaled a massive amount of water.

"But doesn't it hurt?," asked the recruit.

"Only if you get your thumbs between the bricks," said the sergeant.

 

[Zorlac]

A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. Playing with

his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and

said, "Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa

went to heaven?"

Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom

and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and

the comedies make me laugh. I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend."

Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started

adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated,

she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.

The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door

and there stood Grandma's minister. The minister said, "Hello son, is

your Grandma home?"

The little boy replied, "Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her

boyfriend."

 

[Zorlac]

After 5 years of heated debate, the Commission of Human

Rights approved the new International Symbol of Marriage.

 

[worldbound4now]

Always good for a laugh... Thanks!

 

[Zorlac]

A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two large plastic garbage bags with her, one in each hand.

Unfortunately, there is a rip in one of the bags, and every once in a while a $20 bill falls out onto the pavement.

Noticing this, a policeman stops her.... "Ma'am there are $20 bills falling out of your bag."

"Oh, really? Shoot!" says the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can collect them. Thanks for the warning!"

"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"

"Oh no," says the little old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to the parking lot of the football stadium. Each time there is a game, a lot of the fans come and pee through the bushes, right into my flower beds! So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time someone sticks his little thingie through the bushes, I say,"$20 or off it comes!"

"Well, that seems only fair," laughs the cop. "Ok, good luck! By the way, what's in the other bag?"

"Well," says the little old lady,......"not everybody pays!"

 

[Zorlac]

No shit, Sure Lock.

https://glumbert.com/wii/view.php?name=surelock

 

[Zorlac]

A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.

A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man

walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.

The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is

a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this.

Whose funeral is it?"

"My wife's."

"What happened to her?"

The man replied, "My dog attacked and killed her."

He inquired further, "But who is in the second hearse?"

The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two men.

"Can I borrow the dog?"

"Get in line."

 

[Zorlac]

GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN

Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa , half discovered, half wild, naturally beautiful with fertile soil.

Between 23 and 30, a woman is like America , well developed and open to trade, especially for someone with cash.

Between 31 and 35, a woman is like India, very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.

Between 36 and 40, a woman is like France, gently aging; but still warm and a desirable place to visit.

Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain, with a glorious and all conquering past.

Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Yugoslavia, lost some wars, won some great battles but haunted by past mistakes, still very strong and proud.

Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Russia, very wide and borders are now largely un-patrolled.

After 70, she becomes Tibet .. Off the beaten path, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages...still desirable but only those with an

adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge and true love dare visit there.

GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN

Between 1 and 78, a man is like Iran, ruled by a dick.

 

[Zorlac]

The Nun in Hooters

A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local

Hooters.

The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once

in a while "the lights would turn off."

Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers.

However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent. She walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the restroom?

The bartender replied, "OK, but I should warn you that there is a

statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf."

"Well, in that case, I'll just look the other way," said the nun.

So the bartender showed the nun to the back of t he restaurant.

After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped

just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause.

She went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. Why

did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?"

"Well, now they know you're one of us," said the bartender, "Would you

like a drink?"

"No thank you, but, I still don't understand," said the puzzled nun.

"You see," laughed the bartender, "every time someone lifts the fig

leaf on that statue, the lights go out. Now, how about that drink?"

 

[rangerk9]

Zorlac,

ROFLMAO!!! Keep up da funnies.

Appreciations,

Rex

 

[Zorlac]

A couple had been married for 50 years.

They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together."

"I know," the old man said. "We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago."

"Well," Granny snickered. "Let's relive some old times."

Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.

"You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago."

"I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal"

 

[Pjturbo]

Good job! Keep em coming.

Phil :yahoo:

 

[Zorlac]

An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up...

The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the

86-year-old said ,'Things are great and I've never felt better.'

I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child.

"So what do you think about that Doc ?"

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story.

"I have an older friend , much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season."

One day he was setting off to go hunting.

In a bit of a hurry , he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun."

"As he neared a lake , he came across a very large beaver sitting at the water's edge.

He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature.

Out of habit he raised his cane , aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'."

Miraculously , two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead.

Now, what do you think of that ?" asked the doctor.

The 86-year-old said, "Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver.

"The doctor replied , "My point exactly."

 

[Zorlac]

A young man goes into the Job Center in Jacksonville, Florida, and sees a

card advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant. Interested he goes to

learn more -

'Can you give me some more details about this?' he asks the guy behind

the desk.

The Job Center man sorts through his files & replies -

'Oh yes here it is: The job entails you getting the lady patients ready

for the gynecologist.

'You have to help them out of their underwear, lie them down and

carefully wash their genital regions. You then apply shaving foam and

gently shave off all their pubic hair then rub in soothing oils so that

they're ready for the gynecologist's examination.

There's an annual salary of $45,000, but you're going to have to go to

Oxford, Mississippi. That's about 620 miles from here.'

'Oh why, is that where the job's at?'

'No sir - that's where the end of the line is!'

 

[Zorlac]

Two rednecks are out hunting, and as they are walking along they come upon a huge hole in the ground.

They approach it and are amazed by the size of it.

The first hunter says " Wow, that's some hole, I can't even see the bottom, I wonder how deep it is"

The second hunter says" I don't know, let's throw something down and listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom."

The first hunter says " There's this old transmission here, give me a hand and we'll throw it in and see".

So they pick it up and carry it over, and count one, and two and three, and throw it in the hole.

They are standing there listening and looking over the edge and they hear a rustling in the brush behind them. As they turn around they see a goat come crashing through the brush, run up to the hole, and with no hesitation, jump in head first.

While they are standing there looking at each other, looking in the hole, and trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer walks up. "Say there", says the farmer, "you fellers didn't happen to see my goat around here anywhere, did you?"

The first hunter says " Funny you should ask, but we were just standing here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes doin' about a hunert miles an hour and jumped headfirst into this hole here!"

And the old farmer said " Why that's impossible, I had him chained to a transmission! "

 

[Zorlac]

A man walks into a bar with a paper bag. He sits down and places the bag on the counter.

The bartender walks up and asks what's in the bag.

The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, about 9" high and sets him on the counter.

He reaches back into the bag and pulls out a small piano, setting it on the counter as well.

He reaches into the bag once again and pulls out a tiny piano bench, which he places in front of the piano.

The little man sits down at the piano, and starts playing a beautiful piece by Mozart!

"Where on earth did you get that?" says the bartender.

The man responds by reaching into the paper bag.

This time he pulls out a magic lamp. He hands it to the bartender and says: "Here. Rub it."

So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there's a gust of smoke and a beautiful genie is standing before him.

"I will grant you one wish... just one wish... each person is only allowed one!"

The bartender gets real excited Without hesitating he says, "I want a million bucks!"

A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar. It is soon followed by another duck, then another.

Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks and they keep coming!

The bartender turns to the man and says, "Y'know, I think your genie's a little deaf. I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks."

"No shit!!" says the man, "Do you really think I asked for a 9 inch pianist?!