Woodpecker Joke

[Zorlac]

A woman visited her plastic surgeon who told her about a new procedure

called 'The Knob,' where a small knob is placed at the top of the

woman's head and could be turned to tighten up her skin and produce the

effect of a brand new face-lift. Of course, the woman wanted 'The Knob.'

Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob, and the

effects were wonderful, the woman remained young looking and vibrant.

After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems.

All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to

turn the knob many times and I've always loved the results. But now I've

developed two annoying problems: First, I have these terrible bags under

my eyes and the knob isn't get rid of them.

The doctor looked at her closely and said, 'Those aren't bags, those are

your breasts.

She said, 'Well, I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee, is there?

 

[Zorlac]

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural Tennessee . He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.

As the lawyer climbed over th e fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.

The litigator responded, 'I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it.'

The old farmer replied, 'This is my property, and you are not coming over here.'

The indignant lawyer said, 'I am one of the best trial attorneys in the United States and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own.'

The old farmer smiled and said, 'Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in Tennessee. We settle small disagreements with the 'Three Kick Rule.''

The lawyer asked, 'What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?'

The Farmer replied, 'Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up.'

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney.

His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into the lawyer's groin! and dropped him to his knees.

His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth.

The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end , sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet.

Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, 'Okay, you old fart. Now it's my turn.'

The old farmer smiled and said , 'Nah, I give up. You can have the duck.

 

[HotRodZilla]

A fire chief walks into a smokey room and finds two of his two male fire fighters engaged in vigorous anal sex.

The chief freaks out and yells to the men, "What the Hell is going on here?"

The pitching firefighter stops pumping and tells the chief, "Well, he was suffering from smoke inhalation."

The chief says, "Smoke inhalation? You should have given him CPR."

The fireman responds, "Well sir; How do you think this started?"

 

[user 8909]

[SIZE=12pt]Bar Stool Economics [/SIZE]

Suppose that every day, ten men go out for beer and the bill for all ten comes to $100. If they paid their bill the way we pay our taxes, it would go something like this:

The first four men (the poorest) would pay nothing.

The fifth would pay $1.

The sixth would pay $3.

The seventh would pay $7.

The eighth would pay $12.

The ninth would pay $18.

The tenth man (the richest) would pay $59.

So, that's what they decided to do. The ten men drank in the bar every day and seemed quite happy with the arrangement, until one day, the owner threw them a curve. 'Since you are all such good customers, he said, 'I'm going to reduce the cost of your daily beer by $20. Drinks for the ten now cost just $80.

The group still wanted to pay their bill the way we pay our taxes so the first four men were unaffected. They would still drink for free. But what about the other six men - the paying customers? How could they divide the $20 windfall so that everyone would get his 'fair share?'

They realized that $20 divided by six is $3.33. But if they subtracted that from everybody's share, then the fifth man and the sixth man would each end up being paid to drink his beer. So, the bar owner suggested that it would be fair to reduce each man's bill by a graded procedure, and he proceeded to work out the amounts each should pay.

And so:

The fifth man, like the first four, now paid nothing (100% savings).

The sixth now paid $2 instead of $3 (33%savings).

The seventh now pay $5 instead of $7 (28%savings).

The eighth now paid $9 instead of $12 (25% savings).

The ninth now paid $14 instead of $18 (22% savings).

The tenth now paid $49 instead of $59 (16% savings).

Each of the six was better off than before. And the first four continued to drink for free. But once outside the restaurant, the men began to compare their savings.

'I only got a dollar out of the $20,'declared the sixth man. He pointed to the tenth man,' but he got $10!'

'Yeah, that's right,' exclaimed the fifth man. 'I only saved a dollar, too. It's unfair that he got ten times more than I!'

'That's true!!' shouted the seventh man. 'Why should he get $10 back when I got only two? The wealthy get all the break s!'

'Wait a minute,' yelled the first four men in unison. 'We didn't get anything at all. The system exploits the poor!'

The nine men surrounded the tenth and beat him up.

The next night the tenth man didn't show up for drinks, so the nine sat down and had beers without him. But when it came time to pay the bill, they discovered something important. They didn't have enough money between all of them for even half of the bill!

And that, boys and girls, journalists and college professors, is how our tax system works. The people who pay the highest taxes get the most benefit from a tax reduction. Tax them too much, attack them for being wealthy, and they just may not show up anymore. In fact, they might start drinking overseas where the atmosphere is somewhat friendlier.

For those who understand, no explanation is needed.

For those who do not understand, no explanation is possible.

David R. Kamerschen, Ph.D

Professor of Economics

University of Georgia

 

[donaldb]

Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart

Dispatcher: Is this her first child?

Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband!

 

[donaldb]

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade

> students.

> > 'Human Beings are the only animals that

> stutter',

> > she says.

> >

> > A little girl raises her hand. 'I had a kitty-cat

> who

> > stuttered', She volunteered.

> >

> > The teacher, knowing how precious some of these

> stories

> > could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

> >

> > 'Well', she began, 'I was in the back yard

> with

> > my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a

> > running start and before we knew it, he jumped over

> the

> > fence into our yard!' 'That must've been

> > scary', said the teacher. 'It sure was',

> said

> > the little girl. 'My kitty raised his back, went:

> > 'Sssss, Sssss, Sssss'... Before he could say

> > 'Shit', the Rottweiler ate him!

> >

 

[RayW]

A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes, and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally, the Doctor asked him, "What happened to YOU?"

"Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole we both sliced our golf balls into a field of cattle. We went to look for them and while I was looking around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end."

"I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the cow's fanny. Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife, "Hey, this looks like yours!" I don't remember much after that"...

 

[Bandit12]

A married couple in their early 60s was

celebrating

their 40th wedding

anniversary in a quiet, romantic little

restaurant.

Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy

appeared on their table.

She said, "For being such an

exemplary married couple

and for being

loving to each other for all this time, I

will grant you each a wish."

The wife answered, "Oh, I want to

travel around the world with my

darling husband."

The fairy waved her magic wand and -

poof! - two tickets for the Queen

Mary II appeared in her hands.

The husband thought for a mo ment:

"Well, this is all very romantic, but

an opportunity like this will never come

again.

I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to

have a wife 30 years younger than

me."

The wife, and the fairy, were deeply

disappointed, but a wish is a wish.

So the fairy waved her magic wand and

poof!...the husband became 92

years old.

The moral of this story: Men who are

ungrateful bastards should remember

fairies are female.....

 

[Zorlac]

My internal medicine doctor got me a referral to a urologist.

I went yesterday.

OMG, She's beautiful and unbelievably sexy!

She told me that I have to stop masturbating.

I asked her why. She said, 'Because I am trying to examine you...'

 

[HotRodZilla]

My internal medicine doctor got me a referral to a urologist.
I went yesterday.

OMG, She's beautiful and unbelievably sexy!

She told me that I have to stop masturbating.

I asked her why. She said, 'Because I am trying to examine you...'

:lol: :lol: :lol:

 

[HotRodZilla]

Subject: Fishing..

A man was on the water for his weekly fishing trip. He began his day

with an 8-pound bass on the first cast and a 7-pounder on the second.

On the third cast he had just caught his first ever bass over 11

pounds when his cell phone rang. It was a doctor notifying him that

his wife had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical

condition and in the ICU. The man told the doctor to inform his wife

where he was and that he'd be there as soon as possible.

As he hung up he realized he was leaving what was shaping up to be his

best day ever on the water. He decided to get in a couple of more

casts before heading to the hospital He ended up fishing the rest of

the morning, finishing his trip with a stringer like he'd never seen,

with three bass over 10 pounds. He was jubilant!

Then he remembered his wife. Feeling guilty, he dashed to the

hospital. He saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about his

wife's condition. The doctor glared at him and shouted, 'You went

ahead and finished your fishing trip didn't you! I hope you're proud

of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself on the

pond, your wife has been languishing in the ICU! It's

just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will be more than likely the last

fishing trip you ever take!' 'For the rest of her life she will require 'round the clock care.

And you'll be her care giver forever!'

The man was feeling so guilty he broke down and sobbed.

The doctor

then chuckled and said, 'I'm just messin' with you. She's dead.

What'd you catch?'

 

[Zorlac]

Ralph came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and

fell into a deep slumber.

He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, 'You died in your

sleep, Ralph... Ralph was stunned. 'I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too

much to live for. Send me back!'

St. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and

that is as a chicken.' Ralph was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send

him to a farm near his home. ?The next thing he knew, he was covered with

feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground.

A rooster strolled past. 'So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day

here?'

'Not bad,' replied Ralph the hen, 'but I have this strange feeling inside.

Like I'm gonna explode!

''You're ovulating,' explained the rooster. 'Don't tell me you've never laid

an egg before?'

'Never,' said Ralph.

'Well, just relax and let it happen,' says the rooster. ?'It's no big deal.'

Ralph did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg! Ralph

was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another

egg -- his joy was overwhelming. As he was about to lay his third egg, he

felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife yell..........

"Ralph! Wake up. You shit the bed!"

 

[Zorlac]

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey starts jumping all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says, "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!" says the bartender. "yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "he eats everything in sight, the little twerp. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves. Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.

While the man is drinking, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" "now what?" asks the patron. "well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the barkeeper.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first!"

 

[Zorlac]

Differences between Grandfathers and Grandmothers

A friend, who worked away from home all week, always made a special effort with his family on the weekends. Every Sunday morning he would take his 7-year old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some bonding time. Just he and his granddaughter.

One particular Sunday however, he had a bad cold and really didn't feel like being up at all. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter out.

When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her grandfather. 'Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?' 'Oh yes, PaPa' the girl replied, 'and do you know what? We didn't see a single dumb bastard or lousy shit head anywhere we went today!'

 

[rushes]

"Ask Walter" (or Why Men Don't Write Advice Columns)

Dear Walter:

I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a mile down the road when my engine conked out, and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help.

When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbor lady. I am 32, my husband is 34, and we have been married for twelve years.

When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago, and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. He won't go to counseling and I'm afraid I can't get through to him anymore. Can you please help?

Sincerely, Sheila

***

Dear Sheila:

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber.

I hope this helps.

-Walter

 

[Zorlac]

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.'

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. 'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.

'We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin it between her knees, but still nothing.'

The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbor?'

The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get the jar open.

 

[Zorlac]

Three third graders from Tennessee (an Irish kid, an Italian kid and a Redneck kid) are on the play ground at recess.

The Irish kid suggests that they play a new game. "Let's see who has the largest weenie," he says. "Okay." They all agree.

The Italian kid pulls down his zipper and whips it out.

"That's nothing," says the Irish kid. He whips his out and proudly shows that his is at least an inch longer.

Not to be outdone, the Redneck kid whips his out. It is by far not only the biggest, but the fattest.

That night, eating dinner at home, the Redneck kid's mother asks him what he did at school today.

"Oh, we worked on a science project, had a math test and read out loud from a new book and then during recess, my friends and I played a new game called "Let's see who has the largest weenie."

"What kind of game is that, honey?" asks the mother.

"Well, me, Anthony and Patrick each pulled out our weenies and I had the biggest! The other kids say it's because I'm a Redneck. Is that true, Mom?"

Mom replies, "No, Honey. It's because you're twenty-one.

 

[FJRBluesman]

Zorlac..... you need help.....

 

[Zorlac]

This little animal is called the Naked Mole-Rat and is from Africa .

So if you are having a bad day and feeling sorry for yourself, remember:

You could look like a dick with buck teeth.

 

[NightShine]

I got to tell you, Zorlac. This is probably one of the best on-going threads in the whole forum! unk: When it comes up after hitting the "View New Posts" link, I just have to chuckle and click on it first. :specool: