Woodpecker Joke

[Zorlac]

It's good to live in NJ

Two men were driving through New Jersey when they got pulled over by a NJ cop. The cop walked up and tapped on the window with his nightstick.

The driver rolled down the window and WHACK," the cop smacked him in the head with his nightstick.

"What the hell was that for?" the driver asked.

"You're in New Jersey, son," the cop answered. "When we pull you over in New Jersey, you better have your license ready by the time we get to your car."

"I'm sorry, officer, " the driver said, "I'm from New York and didn't know your laws here."

The cop runs a check on the guy's license--he's clean and gives the guy his license back.

The cop then walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls down the window and "WHACK," the cop smacks him on the head with the nightstick. "What'd you do that for?" the passenger demands. "Just making your wish come true," replied the cop.

"Making WHAT wish come true?" the passenger asked.

"Because I know you New Yorkers," the cop says, "two miles down the road ; you're gonna turn to your buddy and say....." I wish that jerk would've tried that Crap with me!"

 

[Zorlac]

At the National Art Gallery in Dublin, a husband and

wife were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused. The

painting depicted 3 black men totally naked, sitting on a park bench. Two of

the figures had black willies, but the one in the middle had a pink willy

The curator of the gallery realized that they were

having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his personal

assessment. He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the

sexual emasculation of African Americans in a predominately white,

patriarchal society.

'In fact', he pointed out, 'some serious critics believe that the pink willy

also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay

men in contemporary society'.

After the curator left, an Irishman approached the couple and said, 'Would

you like to know what the painting is really about?'

'Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the

gallery?' asked the couple.

'Because I'm the guy who painted the picture,' he replied. 'In fact, there

are no African Americans depicted at all'.

'They're just three Irish coal miners. The guy in the middle went home for

lunch.'

 

[Zorlac]

Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a woman at the copy machine, inhales a big breath of air, and tells her that her hair smells really nice.

After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore, takes her complaint to a supervisor in the personnel department and asks to file a sexual harassment grievance against him.

The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled and asks: 'What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?'

The woman replies, 'It's Keith. The midget.'

 

[Zorlac]

A man goes to an oral surgeon to have a tooth pulled. The dentist pulls out a freezing needle to give the man a shot.

"No way! No needles!". I hate needles the patient said.

The dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas and the man objects. "I can't do the gas thing. The thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating me!"

The dentist then asks the patient if he has any objection to taking a pill.. "No objection," the patient says. "I'm fine with pills."

The dentist then returns and says, "Here's a Viagra tablet."

The patient says, "Wow! I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer!"

"It doesn't" said the dentist, " but it will give you something to hold onto when I pull your tooth."

 

[Zorlac]

A guy fell asleep on the beach for several hours

And got horrible sunburn, specifically to his Upper legs.

He went to the hospital, and was promptly admitted

After being diagnosed with second-degree burns.

With his skin already starting to blister, and the

Severe pain he was in, the doctor prescribed continuous

intravenous feeding with saline, electrolytes, a

sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.

The nurse, who was rather astounded, asked,

'What good will Viagra do for him, Doctor'?

The doctor replied, 'It won't do anything for his

condition, but it'll keep the sheets off his legs.

 

[Zorlac]

A woman scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive man standing alone. She approached him.

'My name is Carmen,' she told him.

'That's a beautiful name,' he replied, 'Is it a family name?'

'No,' she replied. 'I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like most -- cars and men.'

'What's your name?' she asked.

He said, 'B. J. Titsengolf'

 

[Zorlac]

Retirement is different for everyone.

One day, while going to the store, I passed by a nursing home. On the front lawn were six old ladies lying naked on the grass. I thought this was a bit unusual, but continued on my way to the store.

On my return trip, I passed the same nursing home with the same six old ladies lying naked on the lawn.

This time my curiosity got the best of me, & I went inside to talk to the Nursing Home Administrator.

'Do you know there are six ladies lying naked on your front lawn?'

'Yes,' she said. 'They 're retired prostitutes, & they're having a yard sale.

 

[Zorlac]

A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, 'Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot?'

The parrot says, 'I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot.'

'Holy crap,' the guy replies. 'You actually understood and answered me!'

'I got every word,' says the parrot. 'I happen to be a highly intelligent thoroughly educated bird.'

'Oh yeah?' the guy asks, 'Then answer this -- how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?'

'Well,' the parrot says, 'this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers.'

'Wow,' says the guy. 'You really can understand and speak English can't you?'

'Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics, and philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion.'

The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag. 'Sorry, but I just can't afford that.'

'Pssssssst,' says the parrot, 'I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me because I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20; just make the guy an offer!'

The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot.

Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful. The guy is delighted.

One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes, 'Psssssssssssst,' and motions him over with one wing. 'I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman.'

'What are you talking about?' asks the guy.

'When the postman delivered the mail today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie.'

'WHAT???' the guy asks incredulously. 'THEN what happened?'

'Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nightie and began petting her all over,' reported the parrot.

'NO!' he exclaims. 'And she let him?'

'Yes Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees and began to kiss her all over....'

Then the frantic guy demands, 'THEN WHAT HAPPENED?'

'Damned if I know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch!

 

[user 8909]

David Letterman's Top 10 reasons why there are no black NASCAR drivers:

# 10 - Have to sit upright while driving.

# 9 - Pistol won't stay under front seat.

# 8 - Engine noise drowns out the rap music.

# 7 - Pit crew can't work on car while holding up pants at the same time.

# 6 - They keep trying to carjack Dale Earnhardt Jr.

# 5 - Police cars on track interfere with race.

# 4 - No passenger seat for the Ho

# 3 - No Cadillacs approved for competition.

# 2 - When they crash their cars, they bail out & run.

AND T HE NUMBER ONE REASON WHY BLACKS CAN'T BE IN NASCAR..............

#1 -They can't wear their helmets sideways.

 

[Zorlac]

A Counselor was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children...

'You all have obsessions,' he observed. To the first mother, he said, 'You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy.'

He turned to the second Mom. 'Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny.'

He turns to the third Mom. 'Your obsession is alcohol. This too manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy.'

At this point, the fourth mother gets up, takes her little boy by the hand and whispers, 'Come on, ****, we're leaving.'

 

[odot]

There are two statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a nude woman. They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and,

with a single gesture, brings the two to life. The angel tells them, 'As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most.'He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running

behind the shrubbery.

The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues.

After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing. The angel tells them, 'Um, you have fifteen minutes left, 'Would you care to do it again?'

He asks her 'Shall we?' She eagerly replies, 'Oh, yes, let's! But let's change positions. This time, I'll hold

the pigeon down and you **** on its head.'

 

[993_Pilot]

While i am not the most politically correct person, do the mods really think this type of post is OK ???

David Letterman's Top 10 reasons why there are no black NASCAR drivers:


# 10 - Have to sit upright while driving.

# 9 - Pistol won't stay under front seat.

# 8 - Engine noise drowns out the rap music.

# 7 - Pit crew can't work on car while holding up pants at the same time.

# 6 - They keep trying to carjack Dale Earnhardt Jr.

# 5 - Police cars on track interfere with race.

# 4 - No passenger seat for the Ho

# 3 - No Cadillacs approved for competition.

# 2 - When they crash their cars, they bail out & run.

AND T HE NUMBER ONE REASON WHY BLACKS CAN'T BE IN NASCAR..............

#1 -They can't wear their helmets sideways.

 

[Zorlac]

Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing.

One lady turns and asks, 'Do you still get horny?'

The other replies, 'Oh, sure I do.

'The first old lady asks, 'What do you do about it?'

The second old lady replies, 'I suck a lifesaver.'

After a few moments, the first old lady asks, 'Who drives you to the beach?'

 

[Zorlac]

Grandma's letter.

She is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car.

She writes:

Dear Grand-daughter,

The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a Honk if you love Jesus bumper sticker.

I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting.

So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.

Boy, am I glad I did, what an uplifting experience that followed. I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed.

It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed. I found that lots of people love Jesus!

While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, ' For the love of God! Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!' What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus! Everyone started honking!

I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!

There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach.

I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant. He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something. Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign right back. My grandson burst out laughing. Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!!

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed.

So, I waved at all my brothers and sisters grinning, and drove on through the intersection. I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared. So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.

Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!!

Will write again soon,

Love, Grandma

 

[Zorlac]

A cop was patrolling late at night in a well-known spot.

He sees a couple in a car with the interior light brightly glowing.

The cop carefully approaches the car to get a closer look.

He sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine.

He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, knitting.

Puzzled by this surprising situation, he gently raps on the driver's window.

The young man lowers his window. "Uh, yes, officer?"

The cop says, "What are you doing?"

The young man says, "Well Officer, I'm reading a magazine."

Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the cop says, "And her, what is she doing?"

The young man shrugs, "Sir, I believe she's knitting a pullover sweater."

Now, the cop is totally confused. A young couple, alone, in a car, at night in a Lover's lane...and nothing obscene is happening!

The cop asks, "What's your age, young man?"

The young man says, "I'm 22, sir."

The cop asks, "And her...what's her age?"

The young man looks at his watch and replies, "She'll be 18 in 11 minutes.

 

[user 8909]

it's a joke! but does have some truth to it doesn't it?

if David Letterman says it, it's OK.

While i am not the most politically correct person, do the mods really think this type of post is OK ???

David Letterman's Top 10 reasons why there are no black NASCAR drivers:
# 10 - Have to sit upright while driving.

# 9 - Pistol won't stay under front seat.

# 8 - Engine noise drowns out the rap music.

# 7 - Pit crew can't work on car while holding up pants at the same time.

# 6 - They keep trying to carjack Dale Earnhardt Jr.

# 5 - Police cars on track interfere with race.

# 4 - No passenger seat for the Ho

# 3 - No Cadillacs approved for competition.

# 2 - When they crash their cars, they bail out & run.

AND T HE NUMBER ONE REASON WHY BLACKS CAN'T BE IN NASCAR..............

#1 -They can't wear their helmets sideways.

 

[HotRodZilla]

HOW THE FIGHT STARTED

A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies.

Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside. The

woman, sort of bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man

'Holy Crap, That must be my husband!'

So the guy quickly jumped out of the bed, scared and naked he

jumped out the window like a crazy man. He smashed himself on the

ground, ran through a thorn bush and then started to run as fast

as he could to his car.

A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and

screamed at the woman, 'I AM your husband.!'

The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you running?'

And that folks............is how the fight started.

 

[Zorlac]

A man boarded a plane with 6 kids. After they got settled in their seats a

woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked,

'Are all of those kids yours?'

He replied, 'No. I work for a condom company. These are customer

complaints.'

 

[Zorlac]

Little Tony been playing outside with the other kids for a while.

When he came into the house, he asked her, "Grandma, what's

that thing called when two people sleep in the same room

and one is on top of the other?"

She was a little taken aback, but she decided to just tell

him the truth. "It's called sexual intercourse, darling."

Little Tony just said, 'Oh, OK,' and went back outside to

play with the other kids.

A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily,

"Grandma, it isn't called sexual intercourse.

It's called Bunk Beds and Jimmy's Mom wants to talk to you!"

 

[Zorlac]

A small zoo in Kentucky obtained a very rare species of gorilla.

Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very difficult to handle.

Upon examination, the veterinarian determined the problem.

The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla

available.

Thinking about their problem, the Zoo Keeper thought of Bobby Lee Walton, a

redneck part-time worker responsible for cleaning the animal cages. Bobby

Lee, like most rednecks, had little sense but possessed ample ability to

satisfy a female of any species.

The Zoo Keeper thought they might have a solution. Bobby Lee was approached

with a proposition. Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for

$500.00?

Bobby Lee showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter

over carefully. The following day, he announced that he would accept their

offer, but only under five conditions:

'First', Bobby Lee said, 'I ain't gonna kiss her on the lips.'

The Keeper quickly agreed to this condition.

'Second', he said, 'She must wear a 'Dale Earnhardt Forever' T-Shirt.' The

keeper again readily agreed to this condition.

'Third', he said, 'you can't never tell no one about this.' The keeper again readily agreed to this condition.

'Fourth', Bobby Lee said, 'I want all the children raised Southern Baptist.'

Once again it was agreed.

'And last,' Bobby Lee said, 'I'll need another week to come up with the $500.00.