Woodpecker Joke

[Zorlac]

A guy went to a travel agent and tried to book a two week cruise for himself and his girlfriend.

The travel agent said that all the ships were booked up and things were very tight, but that he would see what he could do.

A couple of days later, the travel agent phoned and said he could now get them onto a three day cruise.

The guy agreed and went to the drugstore to buy three Dramamine’s and three condoms.

Next day, the agent called back and said that he now could book a five day cruise.

The guy said, "I’ll take it," and returned to the same pharmacy, to buy two more Dramamine’s and two more condoms.

The following day, the travel agent called yet again and said he could now book an eight day cruise.

The guy agreed, and went back to the drugstore. He asked for three more Dramamine and three more condoms.

The pharmacist looked sympathetically at him and said, "Look, if it makes you sick, why do you keep doing it?"

 

[Zorlac]

A busy American traveler checked into a futuristic hotel in Tokyo Japan.

Realizing he needed a haircut before the next day's meeting, he called down

to the desk clerk to ask if there was a barber on the premises.

"I'm afraid not, sir," the clerk told him apologetically, "but down the hall

from your room is a vending machine that should serve your purposes."

Skeptical but intrigued, the salesman located the machine, inserted $15.00,

and stuck his head into the opening, at which time the machine started to

buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later the salesman pulled out his head and

surveyed his reflection, which reflected the best haircut of his life. Two

feet away was another machine with a sign that read, '"manicures $20.00."

The salesman thought, why not? He paid the money, inserted his hands into

the slot, and the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later

he pulled out his hands and they were perfectly manicured.

The next machine had a sign that read, "this machine provides a service

men need when away from their wives, 50 Cents."

The salesman looked both ways, put fifty cents in the machine, unzipped his

fly, and with some anticipation, stuck his manhood into the opening. When

the machine started buzzing, the guy let out a shriek of agony and almost

passed out. Fifteen seconds later the machine shut off.

With trembling hands, the salesman was able to withdraw his tender

unit..............which now had a button sewn neatly on the end.

 

[Bandit12]

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of ****s are there?"

The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there's three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions."

"Onions?" asks the boy.

"Yes," said the father, "you see them and they make you cry."

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mom, how many kinds of willies are there?"

The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In his twenties, his willie is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is a birch, flexible but still reliable. After his fifties, it is like an old Christmas tree."

"A Christmas tree?"

"Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only."

 

[cadman]

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.

A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.

A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"

Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'"

The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful."

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool..

After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.

The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"

"No," he replied, "Arthritis."

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years.

He went to a doctor who was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said,

"Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."

The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet.

I just sit around and listen to the conversations.

I've changed my will three times!"

 

[Old Michael]

 

[Zorlac]

After closing time at the bar, a drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends. He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet.

'What's that big brass gong?' one of the guests asked.

'It's not a gong. It's a talking clock,' the drunk replied.

'A talking clock? Seriously?' asked his astonished friend.

'Yup,' replied the drunk.

'How's it work?' the friend asked, squinting at it.

'Watch,' the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound

and stepped back.

The three stood looking at one another for a moment.......

Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, 'You *** hole! It's three-fifteen in the morning!'

 

[Zorlac]

When Jane initially met Tarzan in the jungle, she was attracted to him, and during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had ***? 'Tarzan not know ***' he replied.

Jane explained to him what *** was.

Tarzan said 'Oh, Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree.'

Horrified Jane said, 'Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly.' She took off her clothing and lay down on the ground. 'Here' she said, pointing to her privates, 'you must put it in here.'

Tarzan removed his loincloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood, stepped closer to her and kicked her in the crotch!

Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity. Eventually she managed to gasp for air and screamed 'What did you do that for?'

Tarzan replied, 'check for squirrel.'

 

[Gary F]

Zorlac: Loved the jokes. Can always use a laugh.

Thanks Gary

 

[Zorlac]

As a woman passed her daughter's closed bedroom

door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from

within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter

with a vibrator.

Shocked, she asked: 'what in the world are you

doing?'

The daughter replied: 'mom, I'm thirty-five years

old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as

I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and

leave me alone.'

The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz

coming from the other side of the closed bedroom

door. Upon entering the room, he observed his

daughter making passionate love to her vibrator.

To h is query as to what she was doing, the daughter

said: 'dad I'm thirty-five, unmarried, and this

thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a

husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.'

A couple days later, the wife came home from a

shopping trip, placed the groceries on the kitchen

counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from,

of all places, the living room. She entered that

area and observed her husband sitting on the couch,

downing a cold beer, and staring at the TV.

The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing

like crazy.

The wife asked: 'What the f@!* are you doing?'

The husband replied: 'I'm watching football with my

son-in-law.'

 

[Feejer/Weejer man]

A nice old story with a different twist - will make you appreciate family.

My grandmother died in the 50s, but her birthday is coming up, and that always causes me to reminisce. The long walks we used to take to the store in town, the quarters she gave me for meaningless jobs like pulling weeds or washing the sidewalk.

Those gems were all good, but the one I remember most, the jewel in the crown of grandmotherly advice, occurred when I was only about 13. We were sitting in a park having just finished collecting some 40 soda bottles for the deposit money on a beautiful spring day. She told me that one day, I would find a wonderful woman and start my own family. 'And always remember this thing,' she said. 'Be sure you marry a woman with small hands.'

'How come, Grandma?' I asked her.

She answered in her soft Newfoundland voice. 'Makes your **** look bigger.'

Kinda brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?

 

[Zorlac]

A woman goes to her boyfriend's parents' house for Christmas dinner.

This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous.

They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal.

The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty fart.

It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the poof.

Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing under the woman's chair, and said in a rather stern voice, 'Skippy!'.

The woman thought, 'This is great!' and a big smile came across her face.

A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again.

This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer rrrrrip.

The father again looked at the dog and yelled, 'Skippy!'

Once again the woman smiled and thought 'Yes!' A few minutes later the woman had to let another rip. This time she didn't even think about it.

She let a fart rip that rivaled a Cartersville train whistle blowing.

Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, 'Skippy, get away from her, before she ***** on you!'

 

[user 6393]

*LMAO*

 

[Zorlac]

A young man goes into the Job Center in Jacksonville , Florida,

and sees a card advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant.

Interested, he goes to learn more -- 'Can you give me some

more details?' he asks the clerk.

The clerk pulls up the file and says, 'The job entails getting the

ladies ready for the gynecologist. You have to help them out

of their underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their

private regions, then apply shaving foam and gently shave

off the hair, then rub in soothing oils so that they're ready

for the gynecologist's examination. There's an annual salary

of $45,000, but you're going to have to go to Oxford, Mississippi.

That's about 620 miles from here', I answered. 'Oh, is that where

the job is?'

'No sir -- that's where the end of the line is right now

 

[airboss]

Post # 121 reminds me of a funny story from my ex-pat days in Japan.

New guy checked into the company fresh from stateside,never been out of the country before, so to say he was feeling a little lost after being dropped into a totally alien environment would be and understatement.

So we decided to take him out for a drink after work. After a couple of beers we're ready to call it a night (gotta work tomorrow), but the guys lonesome and wants us to stick around, so we put or heads together and figure a way to escape.

Look we say to the guy, we know your tried and tensed up from all that travel, there's a Turkish bath right down the street that will do wonders for you.

New guy says great that's just what I need, who's coming, us oh we got to go, don't worry about the language, whenever they ask you a question just reply "give me the works" all the girls understand that phase.

Off he goes to the bath house, and of course first question from pretty young thing with almost no cloths was steam? and the reply was yes, yes give me the works.

and on it goes

hot soak? yes,yes, give the works

Haircut? yes, yes, give the works

manicure? yes, yes, give the works

Massage? yes,yes, give the works

Wax Job? ((new guy thinking wax job?)oh OK) yes, yes. give the works. They sit him up om the marble massage table and one of the girls starts massaging his Willy, she continues to massage until Willy is fully ripe and ready to bust .................................................where upon the other girl who had been standing to the side karate chopped Willy dead center.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

and the wax popped out of both ears.

 

[Zorlac]

A lady walks into a tattoo parlor and asks the artist if she can get two tattoos.

The artist says, "Sure."

She tells him that on her left inner thigh she would like a turkey, and beneath it she would like it to say "Happy Thanksgiving." On her right inner thigh, she says that she wants a picture of Santa Claus, and beneath that she would like it to say, "Merry Christmas."

Obliging his customer, the artist gives her the two tattoos, and after he is finished, he asks her why she wanted them. She told him that she was sick of her husband saying there was nothing to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas.

 

[fjrwalker]

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a beautiful blond woman wave

at him and say hello.

He's rather taken aback, because he can't place where he knows her

from.

So he says, "Do you know me?"

To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful

to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party

that I laid on the pool table with all my buddies watching, while your

partner whipped my butt with wet celery???"

She looks into his eyes and calmly says, "No, I'm your son's math

teacher."

 

[HuskyRider]

Here's a story about an amazing man. . .

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."

Passenger: 'Who?'

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time.

Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star; and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."

Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."

Cabbie: "There's more... He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right."

Passenger: "Wow, some guy then."

Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."

Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank. He died. I'm married to his widow"

 

[airboss]

Subject: Dear Diary

>

> My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was

> flipping the channels. She asked, 'What's on

> TV?' I said, 'Dust.'

>

> And then the fight started...

>

> ======================================================================

>

> My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our

> upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something

> shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds.' I

> bought her a scale.

>

> And then the fight started...

>

> ====================================================================

>

> When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I

> take her someplace expensive... so, I took her to a gas

> station...

>

> And then the fight started....

>

> ====================================================================

>

> My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high

> school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady

> swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

>

> My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

>

> 'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old

> girlfriend... I understand she took up drinking right after

> we split up those many years ago, and I hear

> she hasn't been sober since.'

>

> 'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think

> a person could go on celebrating that long?'

>

> And then the fight started...

>

> ===========================================================

>

> When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my

> wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.

>

> But, somehow I always had something else to take care

> of first, the truck, the car, watching NASCAR... Always

> something more important to me.

>

> Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.

> When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the

> tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of

> sewing scissors.

>

> I watched silently for a short time and then went into

> the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out

> again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, 'When you

> finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep

> the driveway.'

>

> The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have

> a limp.

>

> Moral to this story : Marriage is a relationship in which

> one person is always right, and the other is the husband.

 

[Zorlac]

I checked into my hotel and said to the blond receptionist:

"I hope the **** channel in my room is disabled."

"No," she says, "It's regular ****, you sick *******!"

 

[Zorlac]

A manager at Wal-Mart had the task of hiring someone to fill a job opening. After sorting

through a stack of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified. He decided

to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them

Would get the job.

The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, the interviewer asked,

'What is the fastest thing you know of?' The first man replied, 'A THOUGHT.' It just pops

into your head.. There's no warning. 'That's very good!' replied the interviewer.

'And, now you sir?', he asked the second man. 'Hmmm...let me see 'A blink! It comes and goes

And you don't know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of.'

'Excellent!' said the interviewer. 'The blink of an eye, that's a very popular cliché `for speed.'

He then turned to the third man, who was contemplating his reply. 'Well, out at my dad's

ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch,

way out across the pasture the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant.

'Yep, turning on a light is the fastest thing I can think of'. The interviewer was very impressed with the

third answer and thought he had found his man. 'It's hard to beat the speed of light,' he said.

Turning to BUBBA, the fourth and final man, the interviewer posed the same question.

Old Bubba replied, 'After hearing the previous three answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest

thing known is DIARRHEA.' 'WHAT!?' said the interviewer, stunned by the response.

'Oh sure', said BUBBA. 'You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom,

but before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already **** my pants.'

BUBBA is now the new greeter at a Wal-Mart near you!