Woodpecker Joke

[Zorlac]

An older lady gets pulled over for speeding...

Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Older Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.

Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Older Woman: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Older Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Older woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Older Woman: Murdered the ! owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.

The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.

 

[Zorlac]

A man boarded an airplane in New Orleans, with a box of frozen crabs.

A female flight attendant took the box and promised to put it in the crew's

refrigerator, which she did.

The man firmly advised her that he was holding her personally

responsible for the crabs staying frozen, and proceeded to rant and rave

about what would happen if she let the crabs thaw out.

Shortly before landing in New York, she announced over the intercom to

the entire cabin, "Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New

Orleans, please raise your hand?"

Not one hand went up...so she took them home and ate them herself

 

[Zorlac]

Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them, "Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up."

"Sure," they said, "You're welcome." So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer. Part way

around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, "What do you do for a living?"

"I'm a hit man," was the reply.

"You're joking!" was the response.

"No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling

out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. "Here are my tools."

"That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend,

"Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here." So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house.

"Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I

can see right in the window." "Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I can see she's naked!! Wait a minute, that's my neighbor in there with her......He's naked, too!!!

He turned to the hit man, "How much do you charge for

a hit?"

"I'll do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I

pull the trigger."

"Can you do two for me now?"

"Sure, what do you want?"

"First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth."

"Then the neighbor, he's a friend of mine, so just shoot his **** off to teach him a lesson."

The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes.

"Are you going to do it or not?" said the friend impatiently.

"Just be patient," said the hit man calmly, "I think I can save you a grand here....."

 

[Zorlac]

Two men drove to a gas station for a fill-up because they heard about a contest being offered by the station to patrons who purchase a full tank of gas. When they went inside to pay, the men asked the attendant about the contest.

"If you win, you're entitled to free ***," said the attendant.

"How do we enter?" asked the first man.

"Well, I'm thinking of a number between 1-10, if you guess right, you win free ***."

"O.K. I guess 7, " said the first man.

"Sorry, I was thinking of 8," replied the attendant. "Come back soon and try again"

The next week, the two men returned to the same station to get gas. When they went inside to pay, the second man asked the attendant if the contest was still going on.

"Sure," replied the attendant. "I'm thinking of a number between 1-10, if you guess right. You win free ***."

"2" said the second man

"Sorry, I was thinking of 3," replied the attendant. "Come back soon and try again."

As they walked back to the car, the first man said to the second man,"You know, I'm beginning to think this contest is rigged."

"No way," said the second man. "My wife won twice last week."

 

[Zorlac]

A skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this huge

black guy standing next to him.

The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says:

'7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch private, 3 pound testicles, Turner Brown.'

The white man faints and falls to the floor.

The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big guy

says: 'What ' s wrong with you?'

In a weak voice the little guy says, 'What EXACTLY did you say to me?'

The big dude says: 'I saw your curious look and figured I 'd just give you

the answers to the questions everyone always asks me.... I 'm 7 feet tall,

weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch private, my testicles weigh 3 pounds

each, and my name is Turner Brown.'

The small guy says: 'Turner Brown?!...Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, turn

around!!!

 

[Bandit12]

An older man approached a younger woman inside the mall and said, "Excuse me, I can't seem to find my wife. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"

Compassion immediately welled up within her and she replied, "Oh absolutely."

She then asked, "Do you know where your wife might be?"

"I have no idea," he said, "but every time I talk to a woman with ****s like yours,

she usually appears out of nowhere.

 

[Zorlac]

Having just returned from a long weekend in nearby Canada, I had a few Canadian dollars left over that I needed to exchange, so I

went to the currency exchange window at my local bank .

There was just one lady in front of me in the line. An Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars.

She appeared to be a quite irritated.

She asked the teller, "Why it change?? Yesterday, I got two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I get only hunat ninety?? Why it change??" The teller

shrugged his shoulders, smiled pleasantly and said, "Fluctuations".

The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people, too".

 

[Zorlac]

Tale of the Irish Sausage

Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.

Murphy said "Hang on, I have an idea."

He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.

Shamus said "Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all!"

Murphy replied, "Don't worry - just follow me."

He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jameson Whiskey.

Shamus said "Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!"

Murphy replied, with a smile. "Don't worry, I have a plan, Cheers!"

They downed their Drinks. Murphy said, "OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth."

The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.

They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.

At the tenth pub Shamus said "Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killin' me!"

Murphy said, "How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage in the third pub".

 

[Zorlac]

A mother and father take their 6-year old son to a nude beach. As the boy walks along the sand, he notices that many of the women have ****s bigger than his mother's, so he goes back to ask her why.

She tells her son, "The bigger they are, the sillier the lady is." The boy, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger things than his dad does. She replies, "The bigger they are, the dumber the man is."

Again satisfied with her answer, the boy goes back to the ocean to play. Shortly thereafter, the boy returns and promptly tells his mother,

"Daddy is talking to the silliest lady on the beach, and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets.

 

[Zorlac]

Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out; both were very faithful and loving wives.

However, they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers.

Incredibly drunk & walking home, they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.

One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them.

Her friend, however, was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin

them, but was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with ribbon on it,

so she proceeded to wipe with that.

After the girls did their business, they proceeded to go home.

The next day, one woman's husband was concerned that his normally sweet

and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said,

"These damn girls' night out have got to stop. I'm starting to suspect the worst.

My wife came home with no panties."

"You think that's bad" said the other husband, "Mine is lying in bed with a card stuck in her *** that says:

"From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you."

 

[Zorlac]

A man came home from work, sat down in his favorite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife, "Quick, bring me a beer before it starts."

She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer. When he finished it, he said, "Quick, bring me another beer. It's gonna start."

This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer. When it was gone, he said, "Quick, another beer, it's gonna start any second."

"That's it!" She blows her top, "You *******! You waltz in here, flop your fat *** down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave.

Don't you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?"

The husband sighed. "Oh ****, it's started.

 

[Zorlac]

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said "Unbutton your shirt." So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me" and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, "You should have dropped your pants... you might have gotten disability, too"

 

[uctofeej]

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said "Unbutton your shirt." So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me" and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, "You should have dropped your pants... you might have gotten disability, too"

Oh, ouch!

 

[Bandit12]

One dark night outside a small town in Wisconsin , a fire started inside the local chemical plant and in a blink of an eye it exploded into massive flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around.

When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fire chief and said, "All our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved. I will give $50,000 to the fire department that brings them out intact." But the roaring flames held the firefighters off.

Soon more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now $100,000 to the fire department who could bring out the company's secret files.

From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the nearby Norwegian rural township volunteer Fire Company composed mainly of Norwegians over the age of 65. To everyone's amazement, that little run-down fire engine roared right past all the newer sleek engines that were parked outside the plant.

Without even slowing down it drove straight into the middle of the inferno. Outside, the other firemen watched as the Norwegian old timers jumped off right in the middle of the fire and fought it back on all sides. It was a performance and effort never seen before.

Within a short time, the Norske old timers had extinguished the fire and had saved the secret formulas. The grateful chemical company president announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave fire fighters.

The local TV news reporter rushed in to capture the event on film, asking their chief, "What are you going to do with all that money?"

"Vell," said Ole Larsen Bratvold, the 70-year-old fire chief, "Da first thing ve gonna do is fix da brakes on dat focking truck!"

 

[Zorlac]

Gennaro is in this country for only 6

months.....He walks 20 blocks every day to work and passes a shoe store.

Each day he stops and looks in the window to

admire the Boccelli leather shoes. He wants those shoes so much......

it's all he can think about.

After about 2 months he saves the price of the shoes, $300, and purchases them.

Every Friday night, the Italian community holds a dance in the church basement.

Gennaro seizes this opportunity to wear his new Boccelli leather shoes for the first time.

He asks Sophia to dance and, as they dance, he asks her:

"Sophia, do you weara red panties tonight?"

Startled, Sophia replies, "Yes, Gennaro, I do weara red panties tonight.

But how do you know?"

Gennaro answers, "I see the reflection ina my new $300 Boccelli

leather shoes. How do you like them?"

Next he asks Rosa to dance, and after a few

minutes he asks, " Rosa , do you weara white panties tonight?

Rosa answers, "Yes, Gennaro, I do. But how do you know that?"

He replies, "I see the reflection ina my new

$300 Boccelli leather shoes. How do you like them?"

Now, as the evening is almost over and the last

song is being played, Gennaro asks Carmela to dance.

Midway through the dance, his face turns red.

He exclaims, "Carmela, be stilla my heart, please, please tella me

you weara no panties tonight.....please, please, tella me this true!"

Carmela smiles coyly and answers,

"Yes Gennaro, I weara no panties tonight."

Gennaro gasps: "Thanka God ...

I thought I hada a crack in my $300 Boccelli leather shoes!"

 

[Pjturbo]

Keep them coming, Zorlac.

Phil

 

[Zorlac]

The Swede's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.

'Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any skivvies?', Ole demanded.

'Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any.'

The Swede immediately reaches into his pocket and says, 'For the sake of decency, here's a 50. Go and buy yourself some underwear.'

Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she, too, is wearing no undies.

'Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You 've no knickers. Why not?'

She replies, 'I can't afford any on the money you give me.'

Patrick reaches into his pocket and says , 'For the sake of decency, here's a 20. Go and buy yourself some underwear!'

Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it.

'Sweet mudder of Jaysus, Aggie! Where the frig are yer drawers?'

She too explains, 'You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd any.'

The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, 'Well, fer the love 'o decency, here's a comb.....Tidy yerself up a bit.'

 

[Zorlac]

A dog is truly a man's best friend.

If you don't believe it, just try this experiment.

Put your dog and your wife in the trunk of the car for an hour.

When you open the trunk, who is really happy to see you?

 

[Zorlac]

A couple has a dog that snores. Annoyed because she can't sleep, the wife

goes to the vet to see if he can help. The vet tells the woman to tie a

ribbon around the dog's testicles, and he will stop snoring.

'Yeah right!' she says A few minutes after going to bed, the dog begins

snoring, as usual.

The wife tosses and turns, unable to sleep. Muttering to herself, she goes

to the closet and grabs a piece of red ribbon and ties it carefully around

the dog's testicles.

Sure enough, the dog stops snoring! The woman is amazed!

Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out drinking

with his buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep and begins snoring

loudly. The woman thinks maybe the ribbon might work on him.. So, she goes

to the closet again, grabs a piece of blue ribbon and ties it around her

husband's testicles..

Amazingly, it also works on him! The woman sleeps soundly.

The husband wakes from his drunken stupor and stumbles into the bathroom.

As he stands in front of the toilet, he glances in the mirror and sees a

blue ribbon attached to his privates. He is very confused, and as he walks

back into the bedroom, he sees the red ribbon attached to his dog's

testicles. He shakes his head and looks at the dog and whispers, 'I don't

know where we were .... or what we did .... but, by God...We took First and

Second place!

 

[Zorlac]

A Woman comes home and tells her husband,"Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone."

"No more headaches?" the husband asks,"What happened?"

His wife replies,"Margie referred me to a hypnotist.

He told me to stand in front of a mirror,stare at myself and repeat

I do not have a headache;

I do not have a headache,

I do not have a headache.'

It worked!

The headaches are all gone."

Well, that is wonderful."

His wife then says,

"You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years.

Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?"

The husband agrees to try it.

Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom.

He puts her on the bed and says,

"Don't move, I'll be right back."

He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.

His wife says, "Boy, that was wonderful!"

The husband says,

"Don't move! I will be right back."

He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time.

The wife sits up and her head is spinning.

Her husband again says,

"Don't move, I'll be right back."

With that, he goes back in the bathroom.

This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and saying,

"She's not my wife.

She's not my wife.

She's not my wife!"