Woodpecker Joke

[Zorlac]

The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough Frequent Flier miles. They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things. Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc. Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex. 'Just how do you guys do it?' asks Maureen. The Martian responds, 'Pretty much the way you do.' A discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another.

Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a teeny, weenie member about half an inch long and just a quarter-inch thick. 'I don't think this is going to work,' says Maureen', Why?' he asks?' What's the matter?'. Well, she replies, 'it's just not long enough to reach me!' "No problem,' he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite impressively long. Well, she says, 'that's quite impressive, but it is still too narrow.' 'No problem,' he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman. 'Wow!' she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad passionate love.

The next day the couples rejoin their other partners and go their separate ways. As they walked along, Mike asks, 'Well, was it any good?' 'I hate to say it,' says Maureen, 'but it was wonderful. How about you?' It was horrible,' he replies. 'All I got was a headache. She kept slapping my forehead and pulling my ears.'

 

[FJRBluesman]

DO NOT use the washer!!!!!
Errr. how do you reach the control knobs?

Phil

Pjturbo - there was some interesting reading here from zorlac, but when I saw what you wrote, I was on the floor rollin' That was GOOD!

Zorlac is totally out of control! His joke part of the brain is stuck and he's spewing out this stuff.....someone turn it off before he overloads the server....

 

[Bandit12]

Pierre the French Fighter pilot took his girlfriend, Marie, on a picnic in the woods near a mountain stream. The had the cheese, wine, crackers and cold cuts spread out on the blanket and after a bit they started necking.

Marie tell Pierre, "kiss my lips, Pierre!"

Pierre grabs the bottle of red wine and sprinkles some of the wine on Marie's lips.

Marie says What are you doing that for?

He replies, I am Pierre the French Fighter pilot! And when I have red meat I have red wine!

Things progress a bit and Marie tells him to kiss her chest.

Pierre grabs the bottle of white wine and sprinkles some of the wine on Marie's bare chest.

Marie says What are you doing that for?

He replies, I am Pierre the French Fighter pilot! And when I have white meat I have white wine!

Things really start to heat up now and Marie tells him Oh Pierre! Kiss me "down there!"

Pierre grabs the bottle of cognac and sprinkles some of it on Marie, then lights and tosses a match. Marie jumps up on fire, screaming and jumps in the stream!

She comes up from the water sputtering and red with rage and screams at Pierre "What the hell did you do that for?

He replies, I am Pierre the French Fighter pilot! And when I go down, I go down in flames!

 

[Bandit12]

Woman Talks, Man Hears

What a woman says...

This place is a mess! C'mon!

You and I need to clean up!

Your stuff is lying on the floor and

You'll have no clothes to wear if we

don't do laundry right now!

What a man hears...

blah blah blah blah blah C'MON!

YOU AND I blah blah blah blah!

blah blah blah blah ON THE FLOOR blah

blah blah NO CLOTHES blah blah blah blah

blah blah blah RIGHT NOW!

 

[Bandit12]

When Ralph first noticed that his penis was growing larger and staying erect longer, he was delighted, as was his wife.

But after several weeks, his penis had grown to nearly twenty inches.

Ralph became quite concerned. He was having problems dressing,and even walking. So he and his wife went to see a prominent urologist.

After an initial examination, the doctor explained to the couple that, though rare, Ralph's condition could be fixed through corrective surgery.

"How long will Ralph be on crutches! ?" the wife asked anxiously.

"Crutches? Why would he need crutches?" responded the surprised doctor.

"Well," said the wife coldly, "you're gonna lengthen his legs, aren't you?

 

[Bandit12]

An attractive woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Texas when her car broke down. An American Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town. She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a “Ye-e-e-e ha-a-a-a” so loud that it echoed from the surrounding hills. When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final “Ye-e-e-e ha-a-a-a!” and rode off.

“What did you do to get that Indian so excited?” asked the service-station attendant.

“Nothing. I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto the saddle horn so I wouldn’t fall off,” the woman answered.

“Lady,” the attendant said, “Indians ride bareback.”

 

[Zorlac]

Three women: one engaged, one married, and one a mistress,

chatting about their relationships and decide to amaze their men....that night

all three will wear a leather bodice S&M style, stilettos and mask over their eyes .

After a few days they meet again.....

The engaged girlfriend said: 'The other night, when my boyfriend came back

home, he found me in the leather bodice, 4' stilettos and mask. He said, 'You

are the woman of my life, I love you, then we made love all night long.'

The mistress stated: 'Oh Yes! The other night we met in the office. I was

wearing the leather bodice, mega stilettos, mask over my eyes and a raincoat.

When I opened the raincoat, he didn't say a word. We just had wild sex all night.'

The married one then said: 'The other night I sent the kids to stay at my

mothers for the night, I got myself ready, leather bodice, super stilettos and

mask over my eyes. My husband came in from work, grabbed the TV controller

and a beer, and said, 'Hey Batman, what's for dinner ?'

 

[Bandit12]

A husband leans over to his wife in a bar and says, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over 50 years ago? We went behind this very tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."

"Yes," she says. "I remember it well."

"OK," he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"

"Oh Charlie, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but very good, idea!" she says.

There's a man sitting in the next booth listening to all this, and having a chuckle to himself. He thinks, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble.

So he follows them behind the tavern. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in. Suddenly, they erupt into the most furious sex that the man has ever seen. This goes on for about 40 minutes. Finally, they both collapse panting on the ground.

The man is amazed. After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. As the couple passes the man, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"

The old man says, "Fifty years, ago that wasn't an electric fence."

 

[Bandit12]

Through the kitchen window a farmer's wife sees her son coming home from school.

The boy's in a bad mood,and as he crosses the field he kicks a pig.

He walks a little further and kicks a cow.

Once inside, his mother says, "I saw what you did, young man"

For kicking the pig you'll get no bacon for a week, and for kicking the cow, no milk for a week."

Just at that moment, the boy's father walks through the door and boots the cat halfway across the room.The boy looks at his mother and says, "Do you wanna tell him, or should I ?"

 

[Zorlac]

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married.

She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.

One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room.

She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.

As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it.

The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!

When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.

The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist

Miss Beatrice', he said, 'I wonder if you would tell me about this?' pointing to the bowl.

'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the Park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground.

The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease.

Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter.'

 

[Bandit12]

A husband and his wife went to the state fair and one of the first exhibits they stopped at was the breeding bulls. They went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said,

"THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR"

The wife playfully nudged her husband the ribs ....smiled and said, "He mated 50 times last year."

They walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said,

''THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR"

The wife gave her husband me a healthy jab and said, "WOW~~ That's more than twice a week! .....You could learn a lot from him."

They walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters, "THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR"

The wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke her husband's ribs, and said, "That's once a day!! ..You could REALLY learn something from this one!"

The husband looked at her and said, "Go over and ask him if it was with the same old cow."

 

[Zorlac]

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days

interesting. Well, for example, the other day the wife and I went into town

and went into a shop. We were only in there for about 5 minutes. When we came

out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.

We went up to him and I said, 'Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen

a break?' He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Dumb

ass. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn

tires.

So Mary called him a shit head. He finished the second ticket and put it on

the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This

went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more ticket s he wrote.

Just then our bus arrived. We try to have a little fun each day now that

we're retired. It's important at our age.

 

[Zorlac]

John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick.

His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change.

One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.

It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late.

"Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?" asked John.

"Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project," said Tommy.

The robot then walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.

"Son," said John, "this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really were after school."

"We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie." said Tommy.

"What did you watch?" asked Marsha.

"The Ten Commandments." answered Tommy.

The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair once more.

With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, "I'm sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen."

"I'm ashamed of you son," said John. "When I was your age, I never lied to my parents."

The robot then walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair.

Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, "Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he's your son!"

With that the robot immediately walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair.

 

[user 8909]

A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach. He had no arms and no legs. Three women were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.

The first woman said "Have you ever had a hug?" The man said "No," so she gave him a hug and walked on.

The second woman said "Have you ever had a kiss?" The man said "No," so she gave him a kiss and walked on.

The third woman came to him and said "Have you ever been screwed?" The fellow said "No".She said "You will be when the tide comes in."

 

[Zorlac]

A guy stuck his head into a barber shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said "About 2 hours". The guy left.

A few days later the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around at the shop and said "About 3 hours." The guy left.

A week later the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around the shop and said "About an hour and half." The guy left.

The barber turned to a friend and said, "Hey, Bill, do me a favor. Follow that guy and

see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then he doesn't come back."

A little while later, Bill returned to the shop, laughing hysterically. The barber asked, "So where does that guy go when he leaves?" Bill, with tears in his eyes, says "Your house."

 

[Zorlac]

A foursome of guys is waiting at the men's tee while another foursome

of women is hitting from the ladies' tees.

The ladies are taking their time. When the final lady is ready to hit

her ball, she hacks it ten feet. She goes over and whiffs it completely.

Then she hacks it another ten feet, and finally hacks it another five

feet.

She looks up at the patiently waiting men and says apologetically,

"I guess all those fucking lessons I took over the winter didn't help."

One of the men immediately responds, "Well, there you have it, you

should have taken golf lessons instead!"

 

[Zorlac]

A husband & wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart & the husband picks up a case of Budweiser & puts it in their basket.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.

'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,' he replies.

'Put them back, we can't afford them,' demands the wife and so they carry on shopping.

A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.

'It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife

Her husband retorts 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the price!'

 

[Bandit12]

The Bacon Tree Two Mexicanos are stuck in the desert,

wandering aimlessly and close to death.

They are close to just lying down and waiting

for the inevitable, when all of a sudden.......

'Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell.

Ees bacon I is sure of eet.'

'Si, Luis eet smells like bacon to meee.'

So, with renewed strength, they struggle up the next sand dune,

and there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.

There's raw bacon, dripping with moisture, there's fried bacon,

back bacon, double smoked bacon... every imaginable kind of cured pig meat.

'Pepe, Pepe, we is saved. 'Eees a bacon tree.'

'Luis, are you sure ees not a meerage?

We ees in the Desert don't forget.'

'Pepe when deed you ever hear of a meerage that

smell like bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree'.

And with that... Luis Races towards the tree. He gets

to within 5 metres, Pepe following closely behind,

when all of a sudden, a machine gun opens up,and Luis

is cut down in his tracks.It is clear he is mortally

wounded but, a true friend that he is, he manages to

warn Pepe with his dying breath.

'Pepe... go back man,you was right ees

not a bacon tree.'

'Luis Luis mi amigo... what ees it?

'Pepe... ees not a bacon tree...

Ee s

.

Ees

.

Ees

.

Ees

.

Ees

.

Ees

.

Ees ..................

.

Eees a Ham Bush.

 

[user 8909]

Many of you will recall that on July 8, 1947, a little over 60 years ago, witnesses claim that an unidentified flying object (UFO) with five aliens aboard, crashed onto a sheep and cattle ranch just outside Roswell, New Mexico. This is a well known incident that many say has long been covered up by the U.S. Air Force and other federal agencies and organizations.

However, what you may NOT know is that in the month of April 1948, nine months after that historic day, the following people were born:

Albert A. Gore, Jr.

Hillary Rodham

John F. Kerry

William J. Clinton

Howard Dean

& nbsp; Nancy Pelosi

Dianne Feinstein

Charles E. Schumer

Barbara Boxer

See what happens when aliens breed with sheep?

I certainly hope this bit of information clears up a lot of things for you. It did for me.

No wonder They support the bill to help illegal aliens!!

Now You Know.

 

[Zorlac]

An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, moved to Texas.

Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so,

seeing some on sale, he buys them and wears them home.

Walking proudly, he goes into the kitchen and says to his wife,

'Notice anything different about me?'

Margaret looks him over, 'Nope'.

Frustrated, Bert storms off into the bathroom,

undresses, and walks back into the kitchen completely

naked except for the boots. Again he asks a little louder this time,

'Notice anything different NOW?'

Margaret looks up and says, 'Bert, what's different?

It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday,

It'll be hanging down again tomorrow.'

Furious, Bert yells, 'AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S

HANGING DOWN MARGARET?'

'Nope', she replies.

'IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY

NEW BOOTS!!!!'

Margaret replies... 'Shoulda bought a hat, Bert.

Ya shoulda bought a hat.'